deepundergroundpoetry.com
Looking for something
I wake
I fall asleep
I take
And then fall into the deep
All i see is nothing
Nothing but what i need
What i need is something
To hope for indeed
What do i do
Take a left turn
But what if i need to take a right too
From this ship maybe i need to go to the stern
Im looking for reason
Looking for time as well
Waiting for the season
To find a way to tell
Hopefully i can make
For my own sake
Not cause an earthquake
And generate a heartbreak
Living life on a whim
Trying not to be glim
The window i have is slim
To find a way to believe within
I fall asleep
I take
And then fall into the deep
All i see is nothing
Nothing but what i need
What i need is something
To hope for indeed
What do i do
Take a left turn
But what if i need to take a right too
From this ship maybe i need to go to the stern
Im looking for reason
Looking for time as well
Waiting for the season
To find a way to tell
Hopefully i can make
For my own sake
Not cause an earthquake
And generate a heartbreak
Living life on a whim
Trying not to be glim
The window i have is slim
To find a way to believe within
Published 27th Jul 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
18th Jan 2020 9:52pm
hi there :)
i'm noticing your poems are pretty much rhyme-based; perhaps that's something you might feel free to take a step to one side of when experimenting with your writing. rhyme schemes can work well, but if you find yourself trying to find a word to make fit (like a difficult jigsaw puzzle) well, sometimes it's better to eschew the rhymes and allow the poem to take you where it will in blank or free verse. try to keep the words as naturally placed as you might use them in speech.
for this poem, i think you have all the things in it you want to say but it could use a little polishing to make it shine and deliver your message all the better.
what it does have going for it are:
firstly, topic -- it's a familiar one most readers can buy right into and so they become a 'part' of the poem. they engage with your words.
and, secondly, it has a quietness about it, a self-effacing but not entirely hopeless feel to it. exploration of ideas and feelings rather than being consumed by dark, uber-depressiveness.
just my thoughts as one reader; others may disagree. the important thing is to write it all out, get it all down; you can always return and make improvements months, even years later. i certainly do!
enjoyed visiting your writing!
i'm noticing your poems are pretty much rhyme-based; perhaps that's something you might feel free to take a step to one side of when experimenting with your writing. rhyme schemes can work well, but if you find yourself trying to find a word to make fit (like a difficult jigsaw puzzle) well, sometimes it's better to eschew the rhymes and allow the poem to take you where it will in blank or free verse. try to keep the words as naturally placed as you might use them in speech.
for this poem, i think you have all the things in it you want to say but it could use a little polishing to make it shine and deliver your message all the better.
what it does have going for it are:
firstly, topic -- it's a familiar one most readers can buy right into and so they become a 'part' of the poem. they engage with your words.
and, secondly, it has a quietness about it, a self-effacing but not entirely hopeless feel to it. exploration of ideas and feelings rather than being consumed by dark, uber-depressiveness.
just my thoughts as one reader; others may disagree. the important thing is to write it all out, get it all down; you can always return and make improvements months, even years later. i certainly do!
enjoyed visiting your writing!
18th Jan 2020 9:55pm
Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. I do tend to use a lot of rhyme. It just feels the most natural for me.
19th Jan 2020 00:38am
it's your work :) you must go with whatever feels right to you. i wrote something at about your age then didn't write any more poetry (really) till i was 40, so you do what works for you!
some people will always enjoy using rhyme-based schemes for their poems and there's nothing wrong with that at all. :)
some people will always enjoy using rhyme-based schemes for their poems and there's nothing wrong with that at all. :)
18th Jan 2020 9:57pm
I do agree in the fact this wasn't fully polished. I could have done a lot better with this one but I just tried to get better.
19th Jan 2020 8:06pm
it's all any of us can do.
i'm still returning to stuff i wrote decades ago--thought they were pretty good back then, but as i've got older and grown my skills i can now identify many areas of weakness i can improve on. things we write now? in 20 years time we'll maybe cringe :D there's ALWAYS room for improvement, for all of us!
i'm still returning to stuff i wrote decades ago--thought they were pretty good back then, but as i've got older and grown my skills i can now identify many areas of weakness i can improve on. things we write now? in 20 years time we'll maybe cringe :D there's ALWAYS room for improvement, for all of us!
26th Feb 2024 4:28pm
Sometimes that inspiration does come from within, it's been there all the time, we just have to dig in the right place.
Great work.
Great work.
