To be happy

How can I say I'm happy when I'm absolutely heartbroken.

I'm trying so hard and I'm trying so hard not to try so hard on trying so hard.

My mind is bubbling.

Over loading.

Worried.

Warm. I'm sick.

I'm sick again. I need medicine.

I'll be okay. But I really can't say I'm happy without feeling the hint of a lie.

Why do I feel like I'm lying.

But I'm happy. I'm just sad. Really sad. It's like the sadness over weighs the happy.

I was betrayed alot, I wish I didn't have to learn this way.

Be exposed this way, learn this way.

They say pain is a gift, a teacher, never an enemy.

Yet my pain feels the burden right now, the pain inside my head, not yours, his, hers, there's.

Just my head. I feel its drained, overwhelmed from trauma.

I feel selfish for just wanting some peace. Emotional peace.

I feel sick. Sick of tears.

Sick like you filled the Pacific with your ocean tears.

I'm sick. Drowning in my own being..

My own life. Its not even memories anymore.

It's the feeling that won't subside, this sticky black mold that won't leave my clothing.

I feel I just want to leave this whole town, I've done it before but couldn't leave my family.

I'm beyond all things now. I just want my boy to have a good life.

Never can I say, I want to fight.

Never can I say, I'm oh so right.

I'm often left, like the bfg used to say so how could I be right.

I'm lost. But that's fine. It's okay to be lost on a planet this large.

It's okay to dream, to learn, to meet people.

To evolve, it's okay to be.

Even if I wanna be Russian for the day.

I can't promise you that I'm always happy, I can't promise not to be sad.

Some days life's scares me so much I just want to disappear like casper the ghost.

Yet death I fear most.

I fear this life, maybe I'm realising, how much my brain is exposed to this world.

I fear life yet that is all I desire.

I embrace fear as a friend, take the world on and I bends me, breaks me, mocks me, changes me.

But the fight it won't take from me is my softness I won't turn cruel, I won't turn bitter, I won't turn jealous or malicious, I won't lie, I won't ridicule.

I'll stay ice cool 😎 na na na can't touch this.

I'm free. Just like you.

But I can't promise I'm happy.