deepundergroundpoetry.com
Stealing visions
I ain't tryin to but my minds been roamin'
I tried to catch her but she smiled and just kept on goin
She looks back at me to make sure I'm still watchin
Cause once I look away she knows that theres no stopping
No theres no stopping.
And now it's been some time since I last seen her
She quit looking for me once she could conquer
I could hear her cry through smiles at night
Though she took my eyes she still lost her sight.
But theres no stopping,
But not cause I quit watching.
I'd listen to her breaths shed take,
Sometimes shed move too fast so I'd just wait,
And once she stopped to try and find her place,
She knew the eyes she stole were not to waste.
She ripped her beating heart straight from her chest,
Propped the eyes on top for them to rest,
Turned around and heard my presence,
Cause when it mattered we shared existence. ♡A
I tried to catch her but she smiled and just kept on goin
She looks back at me to make sure I'm still watchin
Cause once I look away she knows that theres no stopping
No theres no stopping.
And now it's been some time since I last seen her
She quit looking for me once she could conquer
I could hear her cry through smiles at night
Though she took my eyes she still lost her sight.
But theres no stopping,
But not cause I quit watching.
I'd listen to her breaths shed take,
Sometimes shed move too fast so I'd just wait,
And once she stopped to try and find her place,
She knew the eyes she stole were not to waste.
She ripped her beating heart straight from her chest,
Propped the eyes on top for them to rest,
Turned around and heard my presence,
Cause when it mattered we shared existence. ♡A
Published 22nd Jul 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Jul 2019 7:23pm
hullo and welcome
a lot here to be pleased about, that's to say there's a pretty decent poem in it. there's a nice lyrical type flow to it and the repeated 'no there's no stopping' at the end of the first works well. I think p'raps cos rather than cause because its more inline with the rest of your speak ..more street for want of better phrase. it all reads decent enough. couple of questionable lines like "she stopped once she could conquer" and probably switch her to the in I'd listen to her breaths she'd take. I think if you revised the syllable count a little it'll read much tighter. be mindful of sacrificing a good line for the sake of the rhyme
all in though, if this is your first is doesn't show.
enjoy your stay here
*hat tip*
a lot here to be pleased about, that's to say there's a pretty decent poem in it. there's a nice lyrical type flow to it and the repeated 'no there's no stopping' at the end of the first works well. I think p'raps cos rather than cause because its more inline with the rest of your speak ..more street for want of better phrase. it all reads decent enough. couple of questionable lines like "she stopped once she could conquer" and probably switch her to the in I'd listen to her breaths she'd take. I think if you revised the syllable count a little it'll read much tighter. be mindful of sacrificing a good line for the sake of the rhyme
all in though, if this is your first is doesn't show.
enjoy your stay here
*hat tip*
22nd Jul 2019 7:27pm
Ive been writing for a long time! Never been one to care much about the rythym so I'm pretty oblivious to that area! Thanks for the advice and compliments!
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Oct 2019 5:45am
23rd Jul 2019 9:44am
<< post removed >>
23rd Jul 2019 4:09pm
Yes! & I like a littleconfusion, makes me think it's open to interpretation! 🖤 Thank you.
29th Jul 2019 6:08pm
29th Jul 2019 6:12pm
