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Contemplations On Which Is Better or Worse; Stayin' or Leavin'
I remember how you used to tell me that you loved me, almost every day -
But now you just say "I love you" reflexively -
You used to kiss me like you truly meant it -
But now you kiss me as though it's more of a forced habit than a desiring want -
I remember how we promise we'd never go to bed angry -
But now it's all we ever do as of lately -
That's even if we go to bed together all anymore -
And whenever we go to bed together you turn me away as though you resent me -
Which has made me wonder do you resent me?
I mean do you honestly resent me?
Whatever happened to the love that we once had?
How did our love go from so right to so wrong?
When did we become strangers in our own home?
Who have we become since we've been living this lie that we still love one another?
Why do we go through the rigmarole of trying when we know it's over?
Can you please tell me?
Because I can't seem to figure out the answers -
You keep on trying to tell me that I'm crazy and there's nothing wrong -
But I know that you're lying and you know that I know but you won't admit the truth -
Because deep down that if you admit that you're wrong,
Nd you'd be the one admitting that you're the one who's been reciprocating unrequited love...
Babe, you can either take this heart and heal it or break it all apart -
But do one of the either because this isn't fair either of us -
Ya need to decide what you're going to do -
Stay here with me and love me like you used to love me -
Or give up and leave me here all alone -
Because someday here soon I'll grab my boots from under our bed along with my go bag -
Nd be gone before you even known I've left -
No, you won't hear the slamming of the door because I'll catch it before it slams shut -
No, you won't hear the roar of the engine of my truck -
Cause I would've rolled it down the drive before starting it up -
And as I drive away with tears in my eyes I've gotta remind myself,
That even though I've decided to leave you,
I'll be leaving you barely half alive which is far better than continuing to stay with you and helplessly watch what is left of me deteriorate into obscurity -
Cause now I know that stayin' is far worse than up and leavin'...
And someday, just maybe someday down the road you might be wishing that I was still there beside you -
Nd in those lonely moments, I hope you'll be wondering how everything just fell apart -
And if I'm lucky enough it will hit you like a freight train that you realize that it was you and you alone that caused us to fall apart and go our separate ways -
Well, I hope you see what I was trying to tell you all along, that tears that you made me cry so often were eventually gonna put out the flame of our love -
Nd they did now didn't they?
Now I am just the lingering smoke trails in the aftermath of the rainstorm that was once our love...
No, honey, it would be I who will take matches and burn the memories we had to the ground -
Cause I don't feel like nor want to burn the memories that we've made together -
Because in all honesty, despite our indifferences,
I have to admit that in the scheme of things you helped me better myself -
Yet, I wonder do you feel the same way that I do?
Or will you take a fistful of matches and light them in concession to set ablaze all the memories that we made together Nd watch as they burn into smoldering cindering ashes?
Ya know I could've called you crazy and cursed your name -
I could've also thrown all your shit out the front door -
However, I am a bit old-fashioned and I don't believe in just giving up and giving in whenever things get rough -
Though it's apparent, that you're not that way at all -
Yeah, I'll give you credit for wanting to stick around -
But not so you could make things better between us -
Aw hell no, you only stuck around it seems to stir the shit pot and force me to lick the spoon -
All the while never taking any credibility or accountability for your unlawful actions and words you spoke to me -
But eventually, I decided enough was enough and it was about time that I choose which was worse -
Staying or leaving...
Yeah, it sure it's a hard decision to make -
And I knew all too well that leavin's was a terrible and difficult thing to do,
It’s probably gonna shake the both of us to our core,
Nd yeah it might even damn near break us to the point of no longer recognizing who we are anymore -
Even though I wasn't too keen on the idea of leavin'-
Yet when you left me no choice but to realize that stayin here with you would be a worse decision than just up and leavin' you -
So I did just that, up and left you along with all the love we made behind in a misty-eyed cloud of dust -
I sadly believe that it was your heart that let go of mine a long time ago -
And over time you stood idly by as our love slowly withered away and would eventually come to die out -
Even though we both kept trying to resuscitate a lifeless love by putting up with each other -
But eventually, I couldn't put up any longer with all the hurtful words that you spoke unto me -
I couldn't stand it any more of letting you continually reopening old wounds and causing even more calloused scars -
Nd I could no longer keep up the facade of playing the part of the fool who is in love with someone who wasn't any longer in love with him -
So, there came a day where I made a conscientious decision that stayin' would be far worse than leavin'...
I mean, God knows I-we've tried everything that we possibly could do to make it work -
But time after time everything we've tried never lasted as long as we would have hoped -
Nd eventually either you or I for the both of us one day silently decided just to quit trying to make it work altogether -
And instead, just live together as unrequited emotional lovers and haphazardly go through the motions of a rigmarole routined relationship -
But enough was enough I came to terms with the fact that you weren't ever going to be any different towards me -
Therefore I made the harsh decision to abruptly up and leave -
Now if it helps you sleep better at night and get on with your life you can keep your pride and blame me for all the went wrong in the relationship -
Yet even though I've chosen to shoulder al the blame because you won't I am feeling as though I'm still locked up in your gilded cage that you incipiently imprisoned me in -
But I can't feel as such, so in order to do that, I've gotta continually reassure myself that from here on out it will eventually get better -
Nd hope it wouldn't get any worse than it once was beforehand -
Also, I've gotta constantly convinced myself that being alone is actually a blessing rather than a god damn curse -
And keep reminding myself that stayin's worse than leavin'...
Now as I sit here by my lonesome in this humble abode of solitude, thoughts began crossing my mind;
Like maybe someday down the road you and I will meet again and we'll fall back in love and stay in love -
Or if we were to meet up again someday maybe it will be for the fact that we'll become lovers once again,
But instead, you & I become frenemies, sitting together reminiscing about the love we had and days gone by, finally agreeing mutually for once that stayin together was far worse than one of us up and leavin' the other...
Published 22nd Jul 2019
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