Splitting

I began to split whilst at an amusement park with my boyfriend. That is this. That is all.
(Spoken word)
 
I am a talented person.  
I’m talented in the sense that I can pause any fast-moving moment and absorb every detail.  
Like the way your mouth twitches when you think to yourself; is that not the most adorable? The people who walk around holding hands; laughing and smiling to eachother, just completely in their own worlds.  
Love is beautiful.  
The smell of burgers and fries from the nearby shop lingers on everyone’s minds, making their stomachs rumble; & the blurry neon lights of carnival rides spin and dance in the background. Your thumb absentmindedly plays with my wrist,  
and the way the veins in your arms feel in my hand is like laying in clean sheets with freshly shaven legs.  
The clouds are hot pink just like in the movies, and we both keep looking back to see them.  
You’re so quiet.  
I can’t read your expressions.  
I pull my hand away and you don’t reach back out like you typically do.  
“I love you.”  
You don’t say anything and I know it’s because I said that too softly for you to hear..
But still, even if you heard me you might not say it back.
I can see the way you hate me, and my friends hate me; my family hates me..  
everyone walking past would hate me if they knew me and that’s basically the same as them hating me right now,
I hate me. I do this every time I try to have fun.  
Why do I ruin everything? Why do I focus on every detail?  
Like the way I can’t breathe in crowds because I know they’re probably thinking “what’s wrong with her face?” “Does she not brush her hair?” “She’s too fat for those shorts,”  
“how could he even be with her?”
And I want to ask you that; how could you?  
I know I sicken you. I know I’m repulsive and embarrassing to be around.  
Is it pity? Do you just not care to the point of giving up? Are you using me for the easy but replaceable company?  
I’m so annoying and loud and I ramble about things that serve no interest, not even to myself.  
The way I laugh, I know it bugs you. It bugs everyone. I know because they make fun of me.  
The way I overthink, they all can see how fragile I am no matter how calm I try to appear.  
I just want to stop overthinking; stop feeling and breathing and caring and I’m not even sad but I’m angry because I’m alive and it just doesn’t feel right?  
I don’t want to die because the world is dark, or because I can’t take it anymore.  
It just seems like I’m a needless glitch that simply doesn’t belong.  
I don’t see that as a sad thing.  
Is that wrong?  
I’m watching myself from above walking through the park. I’m watching myself fidget and fumble and stare at the ground. I’m watching her and she has no thoughts. No spirit. No purpose.  
She’s just an empty skeleton standing in dirty shoes. She’s no body.  
“I love you Ken.”
I wake up. I know it’s a lie. I joke and shrug it off but you insist,
“No I really love you.”
I check the details.
Your lips curve in a smile. Your eyes try to match mine. You’re breathing is steady, your shoulders are relaxed.  
I close my eyes, breathe in, breath out.
You grab my hand and we walk on.