deepundergroundpoetry.com
Those Which Inspire
Images arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world, nor any other I've known:
demons Hell-forged, angels Heaven-sent
word-entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
My incessant need builds into a constant ache
evolves rapidly, devouring my focus;
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
They’re accompanied by angelic chorus
desiring benevolence if I am fortunate
Should They prove bloody, merciless
my soul is shredded, consumed by darkness
Either way, I am Their patient without anesthesia:
Their voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient-
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
not of this world, nor any other I've known:
demons Hell-forged, angels Heaven-sent
word-entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
My incessant need builds into a constant ache
evolves rapidly, devouring my focus;
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
They’re accompanied by angelic chorus
desiring benevolence if I am fortunate
Should They prove bloody, merciless
my soul is shredded, consumed by darkness
Either way, I am Their patient without anesthesia:
Their voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient-
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
Published 15th Jul 2019
| Edited 3rd Dec 2019
Author's Note
COMPETITION PIECE: 'What Your Poetry Evokes Within You'. Inspiration. Muse. Catalyst. Whatever you call it, It is what drives the creation. I attempt to explain Them.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 11
reads 677
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
15th Jul 2019 3:44pm
15th Jul 2019 5:07pm
15th Jul 2019 5:03pm
writing poetry... as many if not all poets here would attest is more of a spiritual experience
the origins of each poem, the inspiration and the moment of their descent... only a poet would know...
you delivered that 'experience' in words in this expression dear friend!
yes.
the origins of each poem, the inspiration and the moment of their descent... only a poet would know...
you delivered that 'experience' in words in this expression dear friend!
yes.
15th Jul 2019 5:10pm
I think the experience-transmission-transcription process is different for every poet -and at times for each potential piece. The one common denominator is that it is something that is more than self, at least that is my sentiment.
Thank you so much! Blessings, Silence
Thank you so much! Blessings, Silence
17th Jul 2019 4:54am
22nd Jul 2019 8:22pm
I really love this beautiful Silence
it's clear you understand the whim and power
of the muse...
write on lovely poetess...
love Brenda 💕
it's clear you understand the whim and power
of the muse...
write on lovely poetess...
love Brenda 💕
As promised ( sorry it took so long ). Firstly, this is a very passionate surrender to the Muse despite whatever it delivers. The essence being we do not control the Muse anymore than we can control Love. As in love, the heart wants what the heart wants regardless of our own personal thoughts.
I enjoy the form very much; the alternating stanzas with tercets really works for aesthetics. The tercet is actually my favorite form; not sure why – it just is. I enjoy how you only use caps to begin sentences, and furthermore use no punctuation at the end of each line, as it represents a natural pause.
Your grammar, spelling, commas, and vocabulary choices need very little work. Where I see you may need to revise a bit is your syntax and perhaps removal of excess words. Let’s take a look at S1:
They arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world or any other I've ever known
demons Hell forged, angels Heaven sent images
these word entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
What I have done below basically rearranges for clarification purposes, e.g. - substituted ‘They’ for Images to immediately identify what you’re referring to. While the title alludes ‘those’ - we don’t know what ‘those’ are. Identifying it in the beginning assists the reader to better identify with you. The comma after arrive is perfectly place, allowing the reader to breath just for that one second before clarifying how these images arrive. Secondly, I inserted a pause after world to allow the reader to breath as in L1- I also altered or to nor to enhance the consonance of ‘n’ with ’r’ and the assonance of ‘o’ throughout the entire stanza. Thirdly, I placed a colon at the end of L2 to denote an ensuing list. In regards to the list, I am not sure why you personified Hell or Heaven – but I personally feel it didn’t work. What I felt would work were hyphens connecting the nouns with their counterpart adjective and noun. Same thing with word-entwined, although dancing snowflakes seemed fine ( albeit a bit cliché ).
This is how it would read if my suggestions were implemented:
Images arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world, nor any other I've known:
demons hell-forged, angels heaven-sent
word-entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
Let’s take a look at the first tercet:
Incessant need builds slow, a constant ache
rapidly, devouring my entire focus, captivating
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
I think you should identify it is your incessant need that is building and not the images. I would suggest beginning it with “My”. I’m not sure, but ‘slow’ seems out of place here, so I’m going to recommend removing it and replacing it with the preposition ‘into’. I have also removed the comma in L1 for a smoother read – I just don’t feel it’s necessary because you want to present the feeling of steadily building, and a comma kinda stops that with a pause. I think beginning L2 with a verb ( such as evolves ) will enhance that the acceleration of that build much better than just beginning with an adjective. Also, entire is extraneous in my opinion so I removed it. I also connected L2 with L3 via a semi, as it felt a continuation was warranted. Lastly, captivating is redundant because devouring indicates captivated. Also, you use a tense of it in L3, which is perfect imho, btw.
So if you implement my suggestions it would read as such:
My incessant need builds into a constant ache
evolves rapidly, devouring my focus;
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
Let’s take a look at S3:
They come on the sounds of angelic chorus
if I am fortunate and They desire benevolence
Should They prove merciless and bloody
I am consumed by darkness, soul shredded
My first suggestion is to make L1 more poetic. I suggest removing the overly excited ‘come on the’, and perhaps substitute ‘accompanied by’ - which sounds much more heavenly in description. Here is where I am torn – either L1 carries into L2 as such: They arrive upon sounds of angelic chorus if I am fortunate OR it doesn’t, and L2 begins a new sentence. I have read and reread and feel it would work bleeding into each other, therefore, I have removed both ‘and/They’ from L2, inserted a comma, and altered the tense of desire to desiring benevolence before flipping the syntax of L2 so it would read much smoother. I also adjusted the syntax on L3 & 4 to read somewhat smoother, while removing some extraneous words. Because you had used ‘I’ in L2, I altered the tense to ‘my’ in L4.
It would read as thus should my suggestions be implemented:
They’re accompanied by an angelic chorus
desiring benevolence, if I am fortunate
Should They prove bloody, merciless
my soul is shredded, consumed by darkness
Let’s look at the final tercet:
Either way, I am at Their whim, no anesthesia
I am Their Voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
When I read the word anesthesia, I immediately thought of patient, and wondered how it would play out if I altered ‘whim’ to ‘patient’ ( removing ‘at’ in the process ). Then when rereading, I realized that second comma was more of a hindrance than enhancement, so I altered ‘no’ to ‘without’ and removed it. Let’s connect L1 & 2 with a colon to denote a list. I really don’t think voice works personified. Their works; however, voice does not, imho. I also think a dash ending L2 would give just the right amount of pause before the final line, which is fine, imho.
This is how it would read if you implemented my suggestions:
Either way, I am Their patient without anesthesia:
Their voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient-
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
Taken as a whole – the poem would read as such with the revisions:
Those Which Inspire
Images arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world, nor any other I've known:
demons hell-forged, angels heaven-sent
word-entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
My incessant need builds into a constant ache
evolves rapidly, devouring my focus;
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
They’re accompanied by angelic chorus
desiring benevolence, if I am fortunate
Should They prove bloody, merciless
my soul is shredded, consumed by darkness
Either way, I am Their patient without anesthesia:
Their voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient-
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
=====
inechoingsilence, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to offer suggestions on your poem. Please keep in mind that critique is largely opinion, except for spelling, punctuation, and grammar ( unless intentional for purposes of dialect ). Please feel free to accept any offered revision as your own, or reject at will.
I enjoy the form very much; the alternating stanzas with tercets really works for aesthetics. The tercet is actually my favorite form; not sure why – it just is. I enjoy how you only use caps to begin sentences, and furthermore use no punctuation at the end of each line, as it represents a natural pause.
Your grammar, spelling, commas, and vocabulary choices need very little work. Where I see you may need to revise a bit is your syntax and perhaps removal of excess words. Let’s take a look at S1:
They arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world or any other I've ever known
demons Hell forged, angels Heaven sent images
these word entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
What I have done below basically rearranges for clarification purposes, e.g. - substituted ‘They’ for Images to immediately identify what you’re referring to. While the title alludes ‘those’ - we don’t know what ‘those’ are. Identifying it in the beginning assists the reader to better identify with you. The comma after arrive is perfectly place, allowing the reader to breath just for that one second before clarifying how these images arrive. Secondly, I inserted a pause after world to allow the reader to breath as in L1- I also altered or to nor to enhance the consonance of ‘n’ with ’r’ and the assonance of ‘o’ throughout the entire stanza. Thirdly, I placed a colon at the end of L2 to denote an ensuing list. In regards to the list, I am not sure why you personified Hell or Heaven – but I personally feel it didn’t work. What I felt would work were hyphens connecting the nouns with their counterpart adjective and noun. Same thing with word-entwined, although dancing snowflakes seemed fine ( albeit a bit cliché ).
This is how it would read if my suggestions were implemented:
Images arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world, nor any other I've known:
demons hell-forged, angels heaven-sent
word-entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
Let’s take a look at the first tercet:
Incessant need builds slow, a constant ache
rapidly, devouring my entire focus, captivating
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
I think you should identify it is your incessant need that is building and not the images. I would suggest beginning it with “My”. I’m not sure, but ‘slow’ seems out of place here, so I’m going to recommend removing it and replacing it with the preposition ‘into’. I have also removed the comma in L1 for a smoother read – I just don’t feel it’s necessary because you want to present the feeling of steadily building, and a comma kinda stops that with a pause. I think beginning L2 with a verb ( such as evolves ) will enhance that the acceleration of that build much better than just beginning with an adjective. Also, entire is extraneous in my opinion so I removed it. I also connected L2 with L3 via a semi, as it felt a continuation was warranted. Lastly, captivating is redundant because devouring indicates captivated. Also, you use a tense of it in L3, which is perfect imho, btw.
So if you implement my suggestions it would read as such:
My incessant need builds into a constant ache
evolves rapidly, devouring my focus;
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
Let’s take a look at S3:
They come on the sounds of angelic chorus
if I am fortunate and They desire benevolence
Should They prove merciless and bloody
I am consumed by darkness, soul shredded
My first suggestion is to make L1 more poetic. I suggest removing the overly excited ‘come on the’, and perhaps substitute ‘accompanied by’ - which sounds much more heavenly in description. Here is where I am torn – either L1 carries into L2 as such: They arrive upon sounds of angelic chorus if I am fortunate OR it doesn’t, and L2 begins a new sentence. I have read and reread and feel it would work bleeding into each other, therefore, I have removed both ‘and/They’ from L2, inserted a comma, and altered the tense of desire to desiring benevolence before flipping the syntax of L2 so it would read much smoother. I also adjusted the syntax on L3 & 4 to read somewhat smoother, while removing some extraneous words. Because you had used ‘I’ in L2, I altered the tense to ‘my’ in L4.
It would read as thus should my suggestions be implemented:
They’re accompanied by an angelic chorus
desiring benevolence, if I am fortunate
Should They prove bloody, merciless
my soul is shredded, consumed by darkness
Let’s look at the final tercet:
Either way, I am at Their whim, no anesthesia
I am Their Voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
When I read the word anesthesia, I immediately thought of patient, and wondered how it would play out if I altered ‘whim’ to ‘patient’ ( removing ‘at’ in the process ). Then when rereading, I realized that second comma was more of a hindrance than enhancement, so I altered ‘no’ to ‘without’ and removed it. Let’s connect L1 & 2 with a colon to denote a list. I really don’t think voice works personified. Their works; however, voice does not, imho. I also think a dash ending L2 would give just the right amount of pause before the final line, which is fine, imho.
This is how it would read if you implemented my suggestions:
Either way, I am Their patient without anesthesia:
Their voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient-
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
Taken as a whole – the poem would read as such with the revisions:
Those Which Inspire
Images arrive, carried on colors and patterns
not of this world, nor any other I've known:
demons hell-forged, angels heaven-sent
word-entwined emotions, dancing snowflakes
My incessant need builds into a constant ache
evolves rapidly, devouring my focus;
I submit, captive conduit, willing and passive
They’re accompanied by angelic chorus
desiring benevolence, if I am fortunate
Should They prove bloody, merciless
my soul is shredded, consumed by darkness
Either way, I am Their patient without anesthesia:
Their voice, devoted slave, pliant recipient-
Without Them, nothing is worth the price of life
=====
inechoingsilence, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to offer suggestions on your poem. Please keep in mind that critique is largely opinion, except for spelling, punctuation, and grammar ( unless intentional for purposes of dialect ). Please feel free to accept any offered revision as your own, or reject at will.
Anonymous
27th Jul 2019 1:44pm
Critique doesn't come any more comprehensive than this.
28th Jul 2019 3:39am
I am in awe for two reasons: one, that this piece stood out to you (Ahavati) as one you wanted to critique and two, the amount of critique that you gave. There is literally no point left behind.
I will most certainly be editing this piece in future. One of the...it's not a difficulty as it is a set perception. For me, certain concepts are always capitalized unless in adjective form. Heaven and Hell are two such examples. However, set perceptions can always be fodder for newer, improved mindsets.
Thank you, so very much.
I will most certainly be editing this piece in future. One of the...it's not a difficulty as it is a set perception. For me, certain concepts are always capitalized unless in adjective form. Heaven and Hell are two such examples. However, set perceptions can always be fodder for newer, improved mindsets.
Thank you, so very much.
Anonymous
27th Jul 2019 1:49pm
While it is a great poem, Ahavati has pointed out room for improvement nonetheless. In agreement with all of her suggestions, I can't offer anything more.
28th Jul 2019 11:55pm
