Into My Mind

This mind of mine drives me to madness
Sitting in class fidgeting, fidgeting eraser spinning
Trying to concentrate whilst my mind is wondering.
I am a ‘Space Cadet’ endlessly daydreaming;
Fighting and searching for mental stimulation
To capture my mind and focus my attention.
This is a battle I rage every second day and night
Invisible to you, who think my inattentiveness is caused by carelessness.
Inattentive I am, that much is true, but careless I am not.
To write this I have tried harder than you.
See, the focus that comes naturally to
Neurotypical brains I struggle for
Fidgeting and spacing, dopamine receptors missing.
Hyper-focussing friends, family, lovers, commitments failing
Though failing at normal I am not.
Diagnosis of Inattentive presentation
ADHD at age eleven given
The cause of restlessness and procrastination.
This is the struggle I face
Every second of every day living.

Pros and cons weighed in equal understanding
Creative and caring, passionate and resilliant
Compassionate and sensitive.
Mark me not with a label nor place me in a box
For I think not inside nor outside those four walls,
The box, where is it? I truly have never known.

My struggles real and bountiful
Getting going - work or morning,
Remembering and forgetting
Names, appointments, due dates, birthdays…everything.
Starting and finishing projects, assignments.
Things once loved that caused excitement
Quickly fade to boredom
Things new and novel - a kid in a candy store am I.
Pressure of deadlines I crave
Though I hate to disappoint.

This ADHD mind of mine drives me to madness.
This ADHD mind of mind I would never trade.

A toolbox full of tricks and tips,
Hacks and cheats
Through twenty-five years I have created.
Adding and subtracting
Experimenting and deleting
Fine tuning and perfecting.
(Nothing is ever perfect, said a perfectionist.)

So here I am,
Sitting in class fidgeting, fidgeting eraser spinning
Trying to concentrate whilst my mind is wondering.
I am a ‘Space Cadet’ endlessly daydreaming
Fighting and searching for mental stimulation
To capture my interest and focus my attention.
Twenty-four years isolated and private
Feeling alone walking a deserted road
In a ghost town far from home.
Three weeks of knowing there is a
World-wide tribe trudging along side.
Support and recognition but a click away
This Prairie ghost town suddenly New York City.

Mom and dad, please listen to what I say
These hardships I face
I have no breaks
Unable to try anymore I am giving it my all
Every day and under the moonlight.
Lying awake at night wanting, wishing to sleep
During the day exhausted and spent
Out on my feet, but still putting up a fight.
Finally, tests taken and questions asked
Medication recieved.
Three years later success celebrated:
Internationally published poet
By anthology accepted - foreign and domestic.
Joining the many faces of #ADHDandSuccessful
Emma Watson and Adam Lavigne two familiar faces.

As I sit here in class
Fidgeting, fidgeting eraser spinning
Trying to concentrate whilst my mind is wondering.
I am proud to be a ‘Space Cadet’ endlessly daydreaming
Fighting and searching for mental stimulation
To capture my interest and focus my attention.
This ADHD mind of mine I would not trade for anything.

To my mother who “drugged” me
Taking blows and dodging shade haters throw
Thank you for leveling the ground I sow
Because of you, I will continue to grow.
Grow and struggle, strive and drive ahead.
I have ADHD Inattentive presentation,
Just thought you should know!