deepundergroundpoetry.com
Cold
Gray-hair whore
So much pain
She gave often to her young and old
Death comes slowly to
Her sad soul
Hell froze over with her heart so cold
So much pain
She gave often to her young and old
Death comes slowly to
Her sad soul
Hell froze over with her heart so cold
Published 26th Jun 2019
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The author encourages honest critique.
Honestly, "whore" doesn't contribute anything of value to the reader. You could substitute with any number of words and end up with an identical poem. Or, you could simply trim Line 1 down to Gray-haired and again, nothing lost or gained.
I would suggest something like "Gray-haired martyr" which puts emphasis on her giving while receiving nothing but death in return for her sacrifice.
Thus the poem gains more depth through expansion in the story told.
I would suggest something like "Gray-haired martyr" which puts emphasis on her giving while receiving nothing but death in return for her sacrifice.
Thus the poem gains more depth through expansion in the story told.
28th Jun 2019 2:37pm
Well certain words can be powerful. I like the whore thing its just a word like any other.
28th Jun 2019 2:42pm
