deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Garden, An Oasis
noon
a summer day
stifling heat
smog rests over the city
a dirty cloud
a garden sits to the side of a busy street
shaded by trees
empty and still
a solitary person enters
and chooses a bench by the rockery
they close their eyes and rest
savouring the shade and the temporary cool
a summer day
stifling heat
smog rests over the city
a dirty cloud
a garden sits to the side of a busy street
shaded by trees
empty and still
a solitary person enters
and chooses a bench by the rockery
they close their eyes and rest
savouring the shade and the temporary cool
Published 5th Jun 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 349
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Jun 2019 9:34pm
This reminds me of 'A Tree Grows in Brooklyn for some reason. I guess because it offers hope amid a concrete jungle. Very natural imagery, and I love the word rockery, Lozzamus. Reading this aloud almost seems a narrative opening to the Twilight Zone - I imagine Rod Sterling's voice. . .
Well done.
Well done.
5th Jun 2019 10:21pm
Anonymous
- Edited 11th Dec 2020 6:45pm
6th Jun 2019 00:46am
<< post removed >>
6th Jun 2019 11:15pm
6th Jun 2019 5:07pm
Hey, Lozz, I enjoyed this, especialy the rhyming of "heat" and "street".
I suggest "a solitary person enters the shroud" to rhyme with "cloud"
Because "they" and "their" feels kind of awkward describing "a solitary person" I would also suggest
"and chooses a bench by the rockery
closes eyes and rests
savouring shade and temporary cool"
I also stripped out two out of three instances of "the" from this stanza.
Keep up the great work with this living snapshots of yours.
I suggest "a solitary person enters the shroud" to rhyme with "cloud"
Because "they" and "their" feels kind of awkward describing "a solitary person" I would also suggest
"and chooses a bench by the rockery
closes eyes and rests
savouring shade and temporary cool"
I also stripped out two out of three instances of "the" from this stanza.
Keep up the great work with this living snapshots of yours.
6th Jun 2019 11:07pm
