Too Much

I spent much of my early to mid teens battling addiction, and slipping in and out of self medicating behaviours; from heroine to LSD to MDMA to speed, and by the time I reached my late teens, my addiction was full blown.
    
I soon found myself in the desert, entirely shell shocked and semi muted from processing the underlying childhood trauma, and watching my best friend OD in the year that changed my life.    
   
Of course, I then started to self medicate by binging on alcohol, and purple heads.    
   
The ages of 13 to 17 were very much a blur as I became best friends with other troubled young people who were already in their late teens, early twenties. Being the baby, they always made sure I was OK, especially when experimenting with my emerging proclivity to self medicate.    
   
It’s something I’ve never forgotten, and its the platform upon which I’ve never taken that pathway again. Though, the thought has oft crossed my mind with access to cash, and copious amounts of time to myself.    
   
I don’t deny those thoughts but I certainly don’t act upon them as I do have a moral compass, believe it or not; and more oft than not, my children have always come to mind first.    
   
I’ve learned other coping mechanisms to release my stress and tension.    
   
It’s definitely a challenge as you never truly recover from addiction whilst you battle with that desire & hunger to numb your senses when life overwhelms, especially when changes occur.    
   
I’ve come along way and accomplished a lot, a lot more than what I could have ever dreamed of but my heart still breaks for the loss of my best friend, and sometimes, when life seems a little too heavy, I have to find my grounding in nature to catch my breath, and rejuvenate my being.    
   
Most people irritate me, especially when their vibe doesn’t correlate with their words.    
   
I’ve been told that I’m a little too intense, and way too hard to handle, and I guess I’m learning to be OK with that because I’m not for everyone.    
   
I’d much prefer to walk a lone pathway than be in the company of those who think they’re better than others, and who’ve never known adversity in their life, let alone conquered their inner demons.    
   
Sometimes, the most painful goodbyes, are those that are never spoken as the heart shatters, and you choose self preservation over being destroyed by someone who doesn’t know what they want.