deepundergroundpoetry.com
Not Yet Slumber
Why must this slumber end
I am not yet finished with the dream
When the day begins
Nothing is as it seems
For the light of day
Erases our recollection
Of the night’s Shakespearian play
The dark reflection
The divine is held in dream
The connection with our creator undeniable
Nothing is as it seems
The future now unforeseeable
Connect with me, my beloved Creator
Show me my truth
For you are my life curator
Just as in my youth
I am not yet finished with the dream
When the day begins
Nothing is as it seems
For the light of day
Erases our recollection
Of the night’s Shakespearian play
The dark reflection
The divine is held in dream
The connection with our creator undeniable
Nothing is as it seems
The future now unforeseeable
Connect with me, my beloved Creator
Show me my truth
For you are my life curator
Just as in my youth
Published 29th May 2019
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
A very nice prayer, Amanacer. I felt the genuine plea between the words themselves.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest watching your repetition. Your unique word count is only 66% out of 83 total words. That means you have repeated at least many them, e. g. - dream, day, nothing, seems, creator, me, and the ( repeated 6 x's ), etc. etc. Are there other ways you could say what you want to say without so much repetition?
For example:
Why must this slumber end
I am not finished dreaming
When day begins
Nothing is as it seems
The above revision retains the expression, yet eliminates repetition for a 100% unique word count in this stana.
Also, while capping each line is a classic form, unless you are writing classic poetry I recommend capping only the beginning of each sentence for an easier read and flow.
Lastly, please remember that honest critique is solely the opinion of the critiquer, with the exception of a spelling or grammar error ( unless intentional for purpose of dialect ). It is also a gift of time and expertise.
In the spirit of honest critique, I would suggest watching your repetition. Your unique word count is only 66% out of 83 total words. That means you have repeated at least many them, e. g. - dream, day, nothing, seems, creator, me, and the ( repeated 6 x's ), etc. etc. Are there other ways you could say what you want to say without so much repetition?
For example:
Why must this slumber end
I am not finished dreaming
When day begins
Nothing is as it seems
The above revision retains the expression, yet eliminates repetition for a 100% unique word count in this stana.
Also, while capping each line is a classic form, unless you are writing classic poetry I recommend capping only the beginning of each sentence for an easier read and flow.
Lastly, please remember that honest critique is solely the opinion of the critiquer, with the exception of a spelling or grammar error ( unless intentional for purpose of dialect ). It is also a gift of time and expertise.
31st May 2019 1:02pm
Thank you for the honest critique. I will take it to heart and appreciate your time and expertise.
31st Jan 2020 10:28pm
24th Jun 2021 2:11am
