deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SK ] Emery, annoyed
by a credit card wielding mother
obsessed with having things
to soothe her daily living's
stomach rumblings
---his sixth sense deployed
exploring what lies beyond
her lifeless doll eyes
antique looking glasses
or the idled hands of
rationalistic asses---
finding way more than
he bargained for; $7,000
not nearly worth a weekend
stay in Seattle's famous haunted
mansion
nor was the four finger discount
he received
obsessed with having things
to soothe her daily living's
stomach rumblings
---his sixth sense deployed
exploring what lies beyond
her lifeless doll eyes
antique looking glasses
or the idled hands of
rationalistic asses---
finding way more than
he bargained for; $7,000
not nearly worth a weekend
stay in Seattle's famous haunted
mansion
nor was the four finger discount
he received
Published 22nd May 2019
| Edited 27th Oct 2021
Author's Note
inspired by Stephen King's "Rose Red" mini-series
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
22nd May 2019 10:51pm
Ohhhhh that was a thriller! And so was this poem reflecting back. That final couplet is fantastic.
Some suggestions:
Emery, Annoyed
by a credit card-wielding mother
obsessed with having things
[to] fill the stomach['s] rumbling
[of] void in daily existence
would seek otherwise;
Or, you could hyphenate after wielding- to attach to mother in L2 ( or, 3, actually ). I got a bit lost and had to read it a couple of times. Therefore, the flow wasn't as smooth as it could be. Also, do you really need the bracketed words? Would stomach be better in a possessive form and rumblings singular vs plural?
Some suggestions:
Emery, Annoyed
by a credit card-wielding mother
obsessed with having things
[to] fill the stomach['s] rumbling
[of] void in daily existence
would seek otherwise;
Or, you could hyphenate after wielding- to attach to mother in L2 ( or, 3, actually ). I got a bit lost and had to read it a couple of times. Therefore, the flow wasn't as smooth as it could be. Also, do you really need the bracketed words? Would stomach be better in a possessive form and rumblings singular vs plural?
23rd May 2019 5:34pm
Yes, I agree it is a very challenging stanza to present to the readers.
Using your suggestions, how would this sound?
Emery, Annoyed
by a credit card-wielding
mother obsessed with having things
filling rumbling stomach's void
in her daily existence
would seek otherwise;
The addition of "her" would also make it very clear without a doubt Stanza 1 is referring to his mother.
Using your suggestions, how would this sound?
Emery, Annoyed
by a credit card-wielding
mother obsessed with having things
filling rumbling stomach's void
in her daily existence
would seek otherwise;
The addition of "her" would also make it very clear without a doubt Stanza 1 is referring to his mother.
