Growing on the outside as it grows on the inside

Growing up it was conjunction sumption ,rotten , and best gore.
Wild enough to churn the stomachs of my closest friends but not enough to scratch my itch.
Maybe not an itch but a giant void in the repetitive days I spend downloading the freshest smut to satisfy my urge.
It starts of slow with still frames and blurry images.
Then you graduate from 3 guys 1 hammer to isis beheadings.
Now when you show your friends they run to expel their lunch in your basement bathroom while you sit there and call them pussys.
They see the evil inside you growing before you even see any hatred in yourself.
Months go by and you’ve seen thousands of suicides, beheadings, and murders that even the messiest of them all has no affect on your internal being.  As you shop for your girlfriends birthday present at the mall you mind begins to wander.
Eric Harris and Dylan klebold visit your thoughts.  
Thoughts of tec9s and remingtons laying waste to columbine high school.
You think outloud...“I could do that in this mall”  
Suddenly you imagine stalking the pacific sunwear and footlocker with various firearms all fit for a warzone.  
Months go by and nothing changes....
You pick up the exhilarating hobby of sport shooting, slowly collecting weapons of death but calling them hobbies.
As you log back onto your favorite smut site for the 5th time today you realize there is no more to see.  
Days go by and nothing...
Nothing.....
Nothing....
Then something...
I can make my own custom tailored video to watch when i feel the need to gourge in gore.
Grabbing your go pro off your bike you strap it onto your chest.
“Just a quick video”
Unlocking the safe you find the weapon for the job..
“Ar15 .300 blackout with select fire trigger”
In a daze you find yourself sitting in the parking lot of that same mall you shopped at.
“What the fuxk!?”   Snapping out of it you return home to nothing.
Months go by and still nothing to watch,nothing to fill your need.
You haven’t taken your meds in 3 weeks now and it’s showing true.
Blackout.....
Nothing.....
Nothing....
Awaken...
 “ewww johnnie there’s a dead cat in the backyard get rid of it”
Washing your hands of what little life is left on them from your neighbors beloved pet.
Dig...
Dig...
Bury...
Blackout.....
Nothing ...
Nothing..
Awaken...
You hear the tv in the back room sound
“Local homeless man found dead”
“Oh my who could do such a thing” says your lover.
Opening your laptop to view fresh gore your joyed to see fresh content.
Fixated on the video playing you see a man beaten until death kisses his lips for the first and last time.
Watching the life leave his body as the camera zooms in.
Next to the expired being you notice familiar shoes onscreen.
Shoes your still wearing still stained with deep flavored blood.
As you look to see who posted the content your taken back to see it was you who posted the video.
“Fuckkkk” as you close your laptop down for the last time.
Dig...
Dig...
Dig...
Bury......
Laptop and shoes are swallowed once again from the ground it came from...
“This stays with me till death”
Months go by and nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing...
Blackout...
Nothing...
Nothing...
Awaken.. to a new laptop already logged into your old urges...
The evil has never stopped growing...
The hatred never grew...
Just the desire to make some videos to remember my years by...
Blackout..
Nothing...
Nothing...
Awaken....
screams of woman and children
You find yourself looking down the sights of a fully automatic weapon...
I can be who I want when I direct the film...
films aren’t real right?