I am a Multiple Fuck-Up Waiting to Happen

 
This May or the last several minutes
I believe when I set foot in a place invited by happenstance and synchronicity
met a manic writer
who wrote much better shit than my dribble.
 
I am grateful to her for  
now I had an outlet for
my diagnosis, my strong emotions - new discoveries.
 
I am grateful for meeting and making some friends.
 
I’ve lost some too.
 
I don’t know if it is my failure to read the abstract painted throughout the world and the life,
the lives contained therein, or if it is my blind lust to help others at all costs
or my FUCKING demons who whisper sweet nothings to me daily
& try to get me to give in…
 
If I knew what ever gets me to
Fuck-Up my closest of friendships to a point
of no forgiveness,
well then I could stop these behaviors and change.
 
I think it is much too late for karmic clean-up as the rotted flesh of group opinion still lingers like an ooze from an advanced wound full of yellow puss of hate.
 
I have a theory
(yeah, I got a whole book of fucking theories)
 
that if I stop to think about the pros and cons of every single decision in my mental daily interactions then perhaps
I would not lose so many friends who I love and cherish
with a fierceness.
 
Hmmm, another theory:
why my real life family participated in the physical abuse and tortures upon me – because
 
I AM A MULTIPLE FUCK-UP WAITING TO HAPPEN.
 
I have stumbled upon a realization moment
and I didn’t even have to
light a candle and meditate.
 
Wow!