I'm working so hard to forget you

I’m working so hard to forget you
’Cause it just isn’t happening.
I’ve been a fool to predict the twists
That turn opposite to my feeling.
It seems I’m the worst prophet
When it comes to my own life.
On solid ground one second
’Til I look down and see but air,
Falling, grab at all around –
’Til I realize I’m on solid ground.
My friends are but ghosts, and from ghosts form friends.
Out of thin air, foundations; walls to thin air.
It’s the magic of the world: from the void, back into.
And I am but half, and half, unglued.
Half in the void, half material,
Separate by space infinitely unbridgeable.
Out from the nowhere I’ll pull your hand
And feel my heart rend, plunged into the longing.
I walk these sunny roads but I’m not belonging.
Rocks are not sturdy, but vapor, and ground
Is a rug, that’s pulled out; I look frantically ’round.
Don’t know how to believe,
Cannot conceive
Of a God – don’t we all hope that someone’s out there
To do our work for us,
Lighten our chores.
What I pray to at night
Is the emptiness
And it makes me feel all the weight of my life
On my shoulders – now there’s none but myself to blame.
Search for God – and you’re inside of a game.
Can’t find what’s not there.
What you want is a savior – but there’s only thin air
And the real search for God is no search for God;
Only those can find Him who have no need.
I don’t predict what comes out of the void
Or how long it will stay –
You want the flower, and it starts to decay.
But the rocks you kick and neglect don’t leave.
And mostly, I don’t know how to conceive
Of myself – it’s water I use for ground.
I am my world – unknown to myself.

5/27/10