deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ Spiritual ] Universal Laws Of Lost Cause
We are waves
dashing watery selves
against retaining walls
Crashing!
before the slow drain
back into the sea
We are particles
awash on sandy tides
tasting shoreline briefly
Splashing!
before being drawn
back into the sea
Watery waves
and
sandy particles
we are;
drowning---
fate inescapable
incapable of changing
the landscape to date ...
until we ourselves
change
Published 7th May 2019
| Edited 30th Jul 2020
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likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 11
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th May 2019 7:34pm
7th May 2019 8:34pm
7th May 2019 8:16pm
Excellent; change begins with self, many times our mere perception is all it takes.
7th May 2019 8:16pm
7th May 2019 8:35pm
7th May 2019 8:46pm
Hmmmm - sharply observed? (and just thought sand is pretty sharp too {as in sand-blasting}) :))
8th May 2019 11:03am
In the lines:
Watery waves
and
sandy particles
we are;
we drown -
fate inescapable ...
The line “we are;” feels out of place and slightly awkward. You could perhaps dispense with it, eczuse you’ve already stated that we are these things.
I liked “inescapable ... incapable...”
Perhaps add the indefinite article before “fate...” to have “A fate inescapable”
Watery waves
and
sandy particles
we are;
we drown -
fate inescapable ...
The line “we are;” feels out of place and slightly awkward. You could perhaps dispense with it, eczuse you’ve already stated that we are these things.
I liked “inescapable ... incapable...”
Perhaps add the indefinite article before “fate...” to have “A fate inescapable”
8th May 2019 11:10am
I'm considering it, SeaCat.
You are right - it is a bit awkward. I think I got tired of playing with this one.
You are right - it is a bit awkward. I think I got tired of playing with this one.
8th May 2019 11:37pm
9th May 2019 00:16am
