Learning

You left us aimlessly wondering as children, even my siblings left me.

Not once did any of you sit and teach me, how to be, how to see.

I grew learning from what I saw, trying what I could, learning from snippets of conversations.

I learnt to ak questions but not to many or I will be scorned.

Fear was implanted from a young age, I still feel that fear and it has me torn.

I forgive, for you never really caring for me.

I forgive, you never attending my school meetings.

I forgive all the wrong advice harboured into my ears, young and wise.

I learnt quick and strong, learnt for myself to depend on.

My wish growing was to learn more, be more.

Fight more, speak more and just love.

The battles and life hood reality really hit me in the face at 16.

I awoke to a world, I knew nothing about.

No compass of how to ask for a college place, no compass or confidence in a work place.

I was alone and my brain still couldn't frame what time should have been spent.

Years looking back at the memory's of my mum and dad.

Years loosing who I am, who I should have been.

Lost in the child hood screams, family is all I dreamed.

Its hurts all the lessons I needed you try to force upon me like a school jock, not sure if it's to impress your partner or finally witnessed the help I've always needed.

Anyway it's to far gone, I'm sick of dreaming.

My hopes to high, my betrayal been sliced to many times.

That child, gone forever.

Now I'm just the adult framed shell of what remained.

I'm teaching myself, as I always have.

Its funny you all think I'm dumb, when you all left me in the rubble.

Dragged me up, used me to look after the younger kids.

Sent me away, mocked my struggles.

No real help, just a sadness attitude built overtime, one I won't let set in my mind.

This is my mind, my life, so much unacomplished.

So much not realised, so much love, hope, so much rise.

My boots are mine and always will be.

I will buy a laptop and fuffils my dreams you think are just day dreams.

This life built my imagination, my creations, if you can dream it you can build it.

This motivation, to be, whatever I want to be.

It hurts eveytime you mock me, reminds me of all the times I was left behind.

Just leave me be, with my nostalgic learning history.

I'm trying to conform, yet I just feel so torn.

Like I waited years for something that arrived when I became a parent myself.

Tormented and confused.

I was always here, always that little girl.