Little Escapes

I’d try to counter the boredom, but I don’t know how.
To lift myself up and out is like climbing up a hill.
There’s nothing in my life that lifts me up now.
And I haven’t been high, in the longest while.
I’m not sure what could get me excited, but still
I sit around and wait for that magic pill,
The one I know is never gonna come, but I
Don’t know what I will do with my life, it feels like nothing
Is moving forward for me, and in the meanwhile:

Bored and dead, I turn on the T.V.
There are so many stories to entertain me.
But no matter how long I lay there, can’t let go of all my cares,
Can’t immerse my burdened head in their pretty tales.
I can’t escape.
Though there are so many offers,
Nothing seems to hold on to me.
Can’t get in.
I look it all over,
But then I leave empty like I came in.
And I go on,
Looking for something,
Something that’s out of this world.
But then I feel –
‘Cause I know that it’s hopeless –
That this vagueness is too much to want.
And this fantasy,
That could be for me,
That I always crave,
Is only another escape.

All the trifles – well they aren’t enough
They glitter but they slip right through like dust
As I try to hold in, all they could give –
But after a moment I remember it’s nothing.
I give them up, and I let them go,
And I’m dissatisfied once again.
And where can I go?
I only sit and wonder “when?”

Where will I find it, if the world just isn’t enough?
What am I looking for, a permanent way to stay up?
And isn’t that all that we do?
Inject ourselves with fun like it’s a fast-burning fuel?
Well lately nothing burns brightly for me;
There’s so much glitter around, but it’s a worthless game,
Chasing down the rhinestones, I only feel the shame,
And the pointlessness of everything that stimulates my brain –
Though there are a million things,
Nothing is worth anything to me.

Now here’s a lovely paradox that I can’t resolve:
I watch the lives around me, they have fun and they mess up,
They go up and they come down and then they go up again,
And they never stop to think just when
The game will fin’lly end and life will begin –
‘Cause life right now is nothing but a set of highs and lows,
An endless chase, an endless charade where nobody knows
Who is really who; but I know of one certainty:
Everyone is out to win; all want only to fit in.
And though I sit aside and wonder why I get passed by,
Why this masquerade goes on and I have no been invited;
Jealousy consumes; I crave to do what they all do,
I want to play out like a fool, and make all the same mistakes,
Just so I won’t be here alone.
I want to join the party that I watch from far away,
But at the very same time, I want none of what they
Have – or rather what has them – and though the rhinestones attract,
Give them up when I’ve the chance to have them – that’s how I react.

What do I do, if nothing’s what I want?
I want something, but I don’t know what.
And all the faces, and the prettiest stories,
They bore me to death, they do nothing for me.
No matter what I see, it won’t touch deep;
Anything I get I don’t want to keep.
I give it all away, and then I cry for its return;
I eat myself alive ‘til I find another fuel to burn.


And all these little escapes that are everywhere
For none of their glitz do I really care
Like simulation rides, go and get your cheap thrill
But in the end, it does not fulfill.
It leaves you empty, and the hunger remains
While you waste onward the best of your days
Doing you-don’t-know-what for why-you-don’t-know –
But never mind the hole – just plug yourself into a show.

‘Cause all the little escapes that entertain
Bombard me with thrills, but only in vain.
A candy array – enjoy the temporary taste,
But look back once it passes: it was time passed in waste.
You are empty again, hungry for more;
Will you take the bait over and over?
Fill the hole with yet another book –
These saccharine sweets can’t get me hooked.
I want to escape ‘cause I’ve been so bored;
I want to bury my head deep into the sand.
But any sweet that momentarily lured,
I sample and find that it tastes so bland.

Where is my place if the lights don’t draw in?
They say the treasure you seek lies but within:
But when I look inside me, all that I see
Is the world in the mirror; and the world is empty.
That’s why I crave for escapes; but they hook me no more.
Is there really the diamond that I’m looking for?
How can it be that one day all will change? Have I lost my faith
That somewhere out there lies the grandest escape?
I wade through the mire, the vastest sea,
Amid the rhinestone fields filled with emptiness,
And nothing is worth a thing to me –
I can’t hope – but I wish – for a diamond amid the vast expanse.


November 19, 2008