Lock the Door

Lock the Door

regret is one of my least favorite feelings
shame's sister
i try to take lessons forward, leave regret behind
but regret is so fucking sticky
regret doesn't care about lessons learned or growth
makes being accountable and honest unappealing

when regret comes my abyss calls
i want strikes
i want pain mixed with pleasure that will fly me far away
stop the bleeding inside
drugs, alcohol? no interest
but the craving for painpleasure and sex that goes on and on
to lose myself
to lose even my soul for awhile
i'll take that

is that so wrong? would that be so bad?
to say to you... here, take all of me
i don't want to feel any more
i don't want to think any more
give me only sensation
make it powerful and strong so thoughts and feeling dissolve into smoke
and sensation is all that exists?
give me pain that is unbearable that blooms
golden euphoria floats me up
that edge you told me of
this is when i crave to go there
this is when

is that self-destruction?
maybe, not maybe
yes, don’t lie
even those words say it
destruction of the self
i don't want to hold this self that i am
i want to give her to you for keeping
so that i am a blissful nothing
only a receiver for sensation

what a relief that would be
a fucking relief
a blessing
this is when i am dangerous
it is the other extreme
the dark

i have managed to go my entire life avoiding the sharpest of my regret
i wonder what magnitude of pain i have been responsible for in my life time that i never acknowledged
since i opened, i am flayed without skin
my eyelids are missing
there is no way i can avoid the consequence of my behavior
whether intentional or not
whether driven by impulse or subconscious

oblivion, God help me, i would bargain with devils for it right now
strikes painpleasure subspace orgasm again again again again
tie me bind me tie me bind me tie me bind me tie me blind me
make it inevitable
cumming until i can't see

i wonder
i wonder if you would indulge this need
or make me bare
the pain i feel
that is the truest punishment
perhaps that would be payment enough
and regret would finally leave me the fuck alone

i do know it passes this longing
i do know
i learned this the 5th night after he left me
crazed by then
so needing strikes i would have given them to myself
but locked his gear in my car
he should have taken it all with him
the sadist i wrote to at 2am said no
applied kindness instead
and offered coffee sometime and a talk

i remained an addict in withdrawal
curled up on the floor marking moments until craving passed
it did
by dawn it was mostly gone
what was left was numbness
which i took as a gift
numbness and exhaustion

so that was the worst of it
now when i have this feeling
craving that is born from bleeding inside
i know it will pass
but knowledge doesn't mute the need
or ensure i would turn away from the edge if i could get there
no I won't lie
i would go

thank you for being here
a friend to me
my hunger is rubbed smooth a bit now
i think i can sleep
regret is one of my least favorite feelings
i try very hard to take lessons forward and leave regret
but regret is so fucking sticky

please lock the door when you leave

Feb. 21, 2019