Dear Addiction

Dear Addiction,
   
   I take each pill to make me numb. To take away these feelings, and you helped, for a while at least. My mind became numb and I thought way less. But the actual emotions themselves never left. I used to try to get it to go away, but cutting and starving are harder to hide. I’m constantly under pressure and pushed way too far, until one day, I’ll snap.
   She takes each pill to try to numb her. She tries to shut off these feelings but she can’t. She gets high as hell, and still feels the regret, anger, sadness, and loneliness. They tell her she has friends, but as she looks around she doesn’t, she’s left with the few friends she has, but they can’t catch her if she falls, they’re too busy saving themselves. How can they save her too?
   I took each pill to make me numb. To take these feelings away. And you worked, but losing my feelings, I also lost my empathy and sympathy. I lost myself and I lost all those years, but back then, I didn’t care. You never really made me numb. You simply made me lifeless. You drowned out my own voice. You took my willingness to live and to learn. You took my simple idea of what the world was and you shattered it. Each pill took away a little more each time. Piece by piece you stole me from myself.
   I took each pill to make me numb. But I couldn't see everything you were taking from me. All I have seen was everything you made me not feel. I couldn’t feel anything except numbness, emptiness and fear. I was afraid of what I was doing to myself because I knew I wanted to be better to be better, but I also knew, I wouldn’t care if I died. You. Made. Me. Numb. That’s really the only feeling I had. Numbness. But that’s what I wanted to begin with, was to be numb. And now I want to feel again. But feeling hurts way too much.
   Dear Addiction, you made me pathetic. Actually no. I allowed you to make me pathetic, I wanted to be better and rather than trying to be better, I simply ran and I chose you. You. Made. Me. Numb. Made me feel nothing and I can’t blame it all on you, because I chose you to begin with. My first choice wasn’t you though, but when it all stopped working I ran into your arms; which had lied open waiting for me.
   I took each pill to make me numb. I remember crying in my room. Being alone all the time because I was terrified someone would figure out my secret, and you were a secret. You only ever see the physical effects of addiction. You never see the internal battle. The constant war that controls your entire life.
   To be numb is to not feel anything. So I guess I wasn’t completely numb, because I felt pain, anger, fear and loneliness.
   I made a mistake and because of my mistake, you stole my memories. And I still know, it’s all my fault I did it. Dear Addiction, just because I allowed you to control me and cause me pain, doesn’t mean I’m allowing it now. You are not my controller. You do not control me. I have a choice now, and my choice isn’t you. It’ll never be you. Not again.
                                                    Sincerely,
                                                                      A past friend