deepundergroundpoetry.com
HDL...Hips Don't Lie! Edition 2.0
Two lovers in a lecherous pose
And swaying like a cunning reptile
Fucking and peeing and bleeding
Like a patient in coma or an infant;
All heat released(1) from her nipples
That slipped out in(2) her shimmy
An ass as stupid as a Jack or Jenny
And served them as fleshy appetizers;
They had sex and broke(3) their ribs
Look at their hips and they don’t lie!
A chicken babe and a hippo-guy
Had a joyful and sweaty(4) summer sex.
And swaying like a cunning reptile
Fucking and peeing and bleeding
Like a patient in coma or an infant;
All heat released(1) from her nipples
That slipped out in(2) her shimmy
An ass as stupid as a Jack or Jenny
And served them as fleshy appetizers;
They had sex and broke(3) their ribs
Look at their hips and they don’t lie!
A chicken babe and a hippo-guy
Had a joyful and sweaty(4) summer sex.
Published 25th Nov 2011
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Anonymous
25th Nov 2011 11:43am
Some of the lines here are gold. I loved the "cunning reptile" and the rhyme of "shimmy" and "Jenny"; that latter simile was weird yet somehow made perfect sense. What you have here is a gloriously vulgar erotic poem which mixes the sensual with the horrific, joining sexuality and violence in a unique, vibrant way. One moment it's disgusting, the next moving. Only a good poet can pull off going to such disparate extremes, and pull it off you do, with your usual reptilian skill.
Some minor grammatical issues: in L5 "exposed" isn't the right word; it sounds like you're using it as a verb. "Released" would make more sense, I think.
In L6 you make "shimmy", a verb, sound like an object by putting "with her" before it. Would "in a shimmy" work better?
"Broken" should be "broke" in L9.
In the last line "joyful and sweaty" would make more sense than "enjoyed and sweated".
Thanks for the read, Anando.
Some minor grammatical issues: in L5 "exposed" isn't the right word; it sounds like you're using it as a verb. "Released" would make more sense, I think.
In L6 you make "shimmy", a verb, sound like an object by putting "with her" before it. Would "in a shimmy" work better?
"Broken" should be "broke" in L9.
In the last line "joyful and sweaty" would make more sense than "enjoyed and sweated".
Thanks for the read, Anando.
25th Nov 2011 12:28pm
Wow Jack!!! This is the best ever comment I have ever received in my life. As for those grammatical mistakes I will hardly bother because I knew that if I could have any they can be corrected later. It took me a long time to even dare myself to post this one in a site like DUP plus I have spend a long time and studying lot of porn sites (to be frank with) for composing this one. I wanted this to be like this, true sexual feeling odd and moving and fluctuating moods every second. I am lucky that I have such true artistes like you who understands my feelings beneath this vulgar piece at one go. Hats off to you Jack. As for those corrections I am always thankful to you and I have already modified them. I am glad and thankful for your comment.
26th Nov 2011 4:11am
Talk about hyper-active bi-polarization.
Suicidal Sex themes make me shudder in revulsion.
Suicidal Sex themes make me shudder in revulsion.
