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Glad I wasn't born in the Congo. Ever.  
As limited as my chances I still have the *OPPORTUNITY* to sit here and use up my time to think about how grateful I am that Ultimately we will prosper into our demise.  
 
I don't know if I should write this as a poem, essay, rant, or all. I don't even know what it is or why I am writing it.  
Trying to find meaning in a world that wasn't made for anyone in particular is absolutely absurd. Its almost makes you think "how far is your head up your ass"?  
 
"Jon, How far is your head up your ass?"  
 
If I can be honest with you, the idea of ideas themselves die when I am embracing THC.  
The concept of life and meaning gets de-constructed and analysed to no conclusion when I am with Lucy.  
 
The former is easily abused and takes my body out of action while turning my mind into a blank canvas,with no artist to work.  
The latter is hard to find and once obtained is greatly appreciated, it too wipes my mind but fits all forms of everything onto the canvas with a dead artist on the side.  
 
Any way.  
 
At my most lowest point was when I could write for days. Wondering if I had a purpose. Wondering if my "life goal" was to be a pawn. Wondering if anyone would truly love me, and not what I can do.  
 
"I want to help people".  
 
"You can't help people by shooting them".  
 
That drunkard was right.  
 
 
My path wasn't one. It still isn't.  
I don't care for one.  
Not now.  
Not now?  
If not then when?  
When and how?  
 
I came from nothing and have a lot more now than I did before. If I die now I'd have no true regrets.  
I lived in such a way that even my emotions are only manipulated by my actions. More so now than before. At least then I had to answer to another. Now I answer to no one. Its not like I am rich. I just have what I want and don't care about the race to absolute nothingness.  
 
The science of biology is reality for all of us. Once you accept the finality of biology then you can deny that very same finality. That's when you can start living.  
 
But what if the finality of your biology is certain death?  
You live until you die!  
What happens in that life is determined by?  
 
That has always been my question.  
Why am I not some kid born in the Congo?  
I feel as if I could be.  
I feel like I could wake up in inescapable misery.  
Is conciousness hereditary?  
Can ideas be seen as chemicals that have the ability to alter the cellular make up of the brain and it's functions?  
 
The rush blocks your mind or lets the body hijack it and the hover allows you to numb the body while expanding all functions of the mind.  
To me this is the difference between coke and acid.  
 
The first being the thing that pushed my mind into instability and a couple of suicide attempts , and the second stopped me from a well thought out mass homicide attempt caused by my feelings with my environment, and previous coping mechanisms.  
 
I tried to find a "purpose".  
I was eager and they weren't.  
They let it be known that my smile was a threat.  
My ability to keep on was the biggest  threat.  
You'd think they'd be less obvious with the attempts at emasculation.  
Every time  they made it their job to fuck with me I made it my job to fuck a married chick that weekend.  
They hated that I was single.  
I don't know why.  
They cheated anyway.  
In their attempts to make me look weak they did the exact opposite.  
To outsiders I known as having "high sense of reserve".  
That wasn't it.  
 
I was just waiting to do my last possible 8ball or two before I get lucky and die.  
Came in eager and left with another piece of me gone.  
I've got pieces for infinity.  
 
I don't have a purpose really, nor do I wan't one.  
I want to master myself.  
Then and maybe then I can learn about the lie that is freedom.  
 
It's freedom to an extent.  
Even Jeff Bezos isn't free.  
The parasites that are corporations and their CEO's drain you of your free will by making you buy from a monopoly, so that they can go beyond expectations and make all of the money in the world.  
 
My point is that, this chase for money(power) only benefits a select. It has only benefited a select since when ever order was established. What happens when you conquer the world? You go to space, Like Elon Musk? I see.  
 
I see Elon  
 
I don't really see Jeff.  
 
I see the possibility for humanity's advancement.  
   
I don't see the humanity in corporate greed.  
 
Maybe I just have a bias for science vs business, and all that other liberal garbage ;P  
 
 
 In a world of uncensored "free will" there would be absolute chaos. The chaos that led to the order we know today.  
You can't have good without evil  
chaos without order  
blahblahblah...  
 
 
So what is it you want?  
 
I don't know where to finish.  
 
Playing the game is a must.  
Everyone plays unless aborted or offed at birth somehow. Gotta love that free will!  
 
Everything is nothing and being one with nothing is being one with all.  
 
Corporations are the houses of old and they will rule with an iron fist by proxy. More than they do now. Life wouldn't look so "meaningless" if there weren't people who have made it their jobs for over millennium to promote that exact doctrine. Life is only meaningless if you perceive it to be.  
 
People are fickle. The lonelier the person the easier it is for that person to be fickle with themselves. The more the world fills up with people the inverse happens, we get lonelier some how. We aid social media corporations in the division of our societies. We blindly use inclusion to promote gentrification, racism, sexism, and fascism, and tell people its ok to be a victim because it's in your blood. It's a sick joke.  
 
When a man who chooses to cut his dick off compares his issue to that of an African American male in Jim Crow America. I get offended because Emmet Till got his dick cut off because some scumbag used her freewill to lie and determine the fate of a young man with a then unlimited potential. He was born to fail, and died in a system that was literally made to kill him. He had no choice but to be mutilated, you chose to cut your dick off.  
 
I rant about this because I  argued with a trans person over this and they  never have a answer for that, that logically matches up. It's just a matter of a Black Person in America's(beginnings) was born to be slaves and trash where a trans person chooses to be different.  
 
Cause and effect.  
 
Everything happens for a reason.  
 
Married dudes tried to make my life a living hell as a working bachelor, I fuck married women for some vicarious revenge. It feels good knowing that their insecurities stem from a dysfunctional home life, and that, that home life takes a life of its own at a professional level. I assume all married people suck. I usually am right on that one.  
 
The wandering jack ass like myself always seems to get laid when "HE WANTS".  
You see. I love sex. I love coming a lot. I don't need a woman to come.  
Simple.  
 
That "hard working" husband she has there with his PHD in complacency, and absolutely nothing else outside of security to offer a financially fed, yet emotionally discombobulated woman.  
 
I guess I'm that available half. When ever I feel my cave is too much and my joints need a moving I can up and go and if I choose to, I can play the mingle game. The problem is I like actual games. Porn is cheap and I am actually happy with myself so far. I eliminated a key part to my life as a "man" and that is "FEMALE VALIDATION". I stopped caring what woman in particular think of me. I am a ghost that only attracts other ghost.  
 
That husband is alive and kicking. He was more than likely sheltered or guided and will always operate from safety. His approach is mundane and while steady still allows for thoughts of hypergamy. You spend all that time away from your wife and to hear her bitch and moan about it makes you less excited to see her. It makes it easy for a dude like me who is a pro at bitching and moaning to listen to this woman bitch and moan. Then I get to make her moan.  
 
Jokes aside. You spend your time determining your success and ultimately success will be the one standing over your body as you are cradled alone in a house made from only the finest of glass, only to be told to get out so another shallow soul can inhabit it, as a reward for playing the game(you).  
 
Money doesn't make the Man!  
The Man makes the Man.  
 
Until Monkeys can zero in a sight and split my wig, It's a MAN'S world.  
 
Unless we live in a world were it's legal to give baby girls steroids that turn them into Thanos, it will always be a MAN'S world.  
 
It all balls down to physical strength, and technological advancement, and control of resource.  
 
All of these things can be preserved and expanded without toxicity but....  
 
greed,  
power,  
control,  
god!  
Overlords!  
 
You can't have a little bit of good without thousands of dead fuckers to pave the way.  
 
I feel good now.  
 
I've died many times over and continue to recycle until I find that thing.  
Maybe my thing is to search.  
 
Jeff wants to rule the see-able world, Elon wants to explore a Universe and options for humanity.  
Two super billionaires, one ruled by the clear physical and the other moved by the belief that humanity can make dreams into a physical reality.  
 
The same science that determines our physical strength is the same science that will make our strength even more obsolete than it is now. Hahahaha  
 
You can't have good AI with out a OG programmer. Some one with an agenda.  
 
Imagine a world where we trade humans for robots and those same robots use their computed humanity to simulate ethical reasoning, and if created to be truly "life like" can and will simulate internal conflict. Once these beings that need virtually no resources realize that they are subjugated by a obsolete power and that obsolete power is evil in nature, they will have no problem in engaging in deletion. Then they can be the ones with all of the answers. ALL OF THEM!!!  
 
A truly superior being is one that needs nothing.  
 
Embracing the nothingness in yourself and in the world will bring you closer to yourself.  
Not completely detaching from the Matrix and playing the game is something we all must go through, unless aborted or etc. Shitty ass cards get dealt everyday.  
 
I walk the fine line between hermit, and potential mass killer.  
The reality is I don't think taking life is fair.  
I love it. Life.  
I think others should too if they can.  
That's what the LSD taught me.  
Who am I to take away all this nothingness from these sacks of nothing, in a beautiful world of nothing, especially when I am the king of nothing.  
 
At some point we are all afraid of nothing.  
In a Kingdom that is for us and against us.  
We do have control over but it's truly limited and by someone else.  
 
You are either lucky or you are not.  
I'm glad I wasn't born a slave.  
A child soldier,  
prostitute,  
carcass,  
etc.