Legacy

Sometimes I don't feel alive                
unless I'm deep in something life threatening,                  
a line, a pill, a couple sips of whatever gets me                  
to a place you won't see angels fly, adjacent souls eternally resting.                  
Not a good place to be, I guess I'm just confessing,                  
I feel in limbo while we linger here and I'm sorry                  
if my demeanour's been testy.                  
You've done nothing wrong, it's just this                  
life, it tests me and I know it tests us all,                  
that plus I'm blessed, all the while, I've been more                  
stressed than I expected since I left the nest                  
and that gets me low and perplexed.            
What's on my chest, am I still worth investment?              
I may one day be a mess again, I need      
to look within.           
               
I need some escape and I wish I could go                  
to the places you do, to calm what feels hectic                  
but my mind is cluttered, that plus I'm stubborn                  
I need to vacate my brain today by whatever means,                  
for when my soul screams I can't neglect it.                  
Fate's painted me in a corner it seems,                  
yet from cradle to casket I'll be caught up in schemes,            
that slip by undetected and if I release some writing,              
you can bet I've double checked it                  
from hopes and ideas, to memories and dreams,                  
my word is mine and I'll protect it how I please,            
whether it be poem or song.                 
               
When I'm gone, I hope to have something to pass along, that                  
gets respected or even just deemed worthy of a read.                  
My works float atop stormy seas,                  
I'd grab a bolt of lightning and squeeze                  
to get just one ship across, whatever the cost,                  
Lately death's been in my dreams,                  
at times I feel my time is coming. I doubt                  
it, after all I'm still a youngin, still I look back                  
and wonder what have I done with                  
this life of mine, what's left to do before I die,                  
what time is left, I doubt I'll make a hundred and                  
the clock is running, my foots to the floor,                  
I'm ready to gun it, step over whoever's stunted,                  
stab whoever's blunted just to show off the wit.                  
               
It takes more than a quick fix or a whip,              
to shape up once you've been broken like me,          
All I seem to find is hoodlums with ease,                  
I'm a magnet for evil, but my guard's up               
and now I treat em like I would disease,                  
I used to be easy to please, right now I'm another level,                  
I jot my thoughts in aim to appease,                  
my inner self that's been shunned, the brother                  
the son, the one that's appalled, by all                  
the self inflicted pain that he sees,                
all the damage done, cold days              
doing bad deeds in rainy streets,                  
but the past is the past, it's time to focus on the future,                  
and package thoughts as presents that gleam,      
the way a road does in summer's heat,           
in hopes to one day be remembered as more than a fiend,                  
a distant demon, lost and never present,              
I hope that I'm accepted, and I mean it when                  
I say I'm sorry, I hope that you'll accept it,                
I know down deep, I'm more then I seem, I hope one day you'll see it,              
I never planned to get infected, but regardless I'm              
back and on fire with another scheme,  
no plans to retire till I materialize  
what lies beneath and perfect it,          
sculpt and inspect it, break it down and resurrect it for weeks,  
Something for when I'm six deep.    
 
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