Frozen

Frozen in this moment - I can't think anymore!
"Selling myself" to the schools, is exhausting
Trying to "frame" myself in
Just.
The.
Right.
Light.
I feel so FAKE and insecure.

Will they see me? Do I want them to see me? Will they care?
~no, they don't care~

Deeper pain arises.
Why am I even trying? Fighting for this? Hours of pain and self-loathing have resulted from this application process.
I cannot win at this game of life, the continued fight against my feelings is more pain.
The.
Rat.
Race.
It digs into my heart of hearts, my soul.

Jesus, where are you in this!?
Why must we suffer so?

(a silence)

A reminder.
You sufferred for us, You entered brokenness on our behalf.
You know what it feels like.

You do see me, you see us.
You care as no one else does, as no one else can.
For we are all to blinded and bound by this brokenness.

To you I look now... sheepishly.

Only in Your eyes can I find release...
Freedom from my self-hate, and  strength in my pain.
So tonight, I will lay down and sleep and awake again tomorrow.
You will be beside me .... when I cannot feel You, when I cannot see you.
You will see me.
You will see me completely, nothing's hidden and I'm known, not fake.
You cherish what you see and lavish love, as no one else can.

Why do I look away so often, from Your precious gaze.
Your eyes do not condemn, they offer hope. You want the best for me.
In spite of all my bad choices, you steadfastly await my return. The realization that it was all amiss and that You were what my soul craved.

Not this degree or that job, that paycheck, that boy.
It is You.
Make me whole.
Teach me to walk in grace, lead me by Your hand.
I can't go this road alone anymore.