Gilmour 'n Barry

The Adventures of Gilmour Orson and Barry Gonzalez
In: The Oaken Kingdom

“Shee kidsh, theresh a portal shumwhere offa the interstate, you take a liddol road and it leads to a pair o’ trees, and if ya go through there’s a whole world of fairiesh and shtuff. Theresh mushrooms surroundin’ the paira oak treesh and theres dragons and talkin flowersh.. it was pretty CRAAAAAZZY lasht time I was there…Ya that was a while back…” Dave rambles, a group of kids fixated on his spiel. Gilmour and Barry eavesdrop, Gilmour’s eyes squinting at Dave’s disheveled figure. Dave finishes, and takes a swig from his mug of root beer. Gilmour puts down the comic book he was looking at, back onto the dusty shelf, and pulls Barry over to him.
“Barry, what was he on about?” Gilmour asks. Barry is Gilmour’s partner in crime. Well, that’s how Gilmour likes to look at it. Gilmour’s a private eye? Investigative journalist? Frequenter of cafes? Only he knows. Barry’s simply along for the ride, and is at the moment too busy slurping his sundae-milkshake to notice Gilmour’s question.
“Huh?” “Dave was talking about something interesting. Let’s go ask.”
The two walk up to the counter. Dave’s ‘Teria, (which he says is short for cafeteria) stands opposite of Rosemarie’s café, and is opposite in near every way as well. It’s a comic/café type deal, like a bookstore coffee shop except with a your-average-nerdy-outlet spin. The place is pretty good looking, in an ironic sort of way. The drinks are all nerdily space themed; the Lemonade’s Alien Egg Yolk, the Root Beer Float MoonDirt, and others. Barry likes it here moreso than Rosemarie’s mainly because of the Strawberry Sundae Milkshake, known here as a Whipped Blood ‘n’ Guts. Gilmour leans over the counter. “Dave. Dave. Dave!”
He’s bopping to some electronica videogame music that’s playing out of a speaker somewhere. He turns to Gilmour, cleaning a blender cup.
“Eh?” he says, raising an eyebrow. His scruffy beard probably hasn’t seen a proper trim in a few years, and his eyes very slightly don’t align correctly along the x-axis. I note that he isn’t wearing his usual saucepan on his head today. “What can I get for ya?”
“What were you talking about earlier. You said something about fairies, or a forest.” Gilmour asks. His brow furrows, and he pinches in concentration.
“Chill, Gil. We’re not investigating a murder or anything. No need to look all squinty-like.” Barry says, and takes another slurp of his Blood ‘n’ Guts.
“Ok, ok. Now, Dave?”
“Ah yesh. The Bottomlesh Foresht. About a mile northwest of the library there’s a road off Interstate 43. It shtops in a dead end…but only at first looksee. There’sh a pair of oaksh—hundredsh of years old—and they’re conshtantly shurrounded by Chanterelle mushrooms, no matter the weather or season. You shimply waltz right through and turn around and the road’s gone, the interstate’s gone, it’s just the forest, the animals. The mushrooms and the fairies.” Dave waggles his hands. “Legend sez it’s a pocket dimension, that trails down, down, down, and the farther you go the stranger things become. The ‘shrooms get a little too big, things glow that shouldn’t be glowing, the moose, with eyes that can pull your shoul right out and eat it, grow big enuff to blot out whatever light getsh through the impossibly tall cedars…” Gilmour’s enthralled, but then the spell’s immediately broken by Barry slurping the last of his shake. “Hrm. Fairies? Or sumn? Wait…Don’t tell me, Gil…”
Gilmour turns dramatically, a pen in his hand, and he clicks it. “We’re going. Get your Bag, Barry.”
Barry arches an eyebrow. “You keep doing that. Again, what’s the pen for?”
“It’s for dramatic effect, BARRY.” Gilmour shoots back, already picking his things up.
---
The pair are in Gilmour’s yellow cab, a retired taxi cab from his uncle Jio. The checkered print line on the side had been peeling in recent years and over the spring Gilmour had it repainted. The cab gleams in the June sunlight, and Gilmour’s zooming at the speed limit on Interstate 43.
“Um, Gil, the fairies aren’t, like, dying to meet up? Slow down?” Barry says. The liquor store zips by, a blip.
“A news story is a news story. Admittedly more of a tabloid story, but still.” Also, I love a good excursion.” Gilmour cranks the stick shift into 4WD. Why does a taxi cab have 4WD? I’m not sure. Barry rolls his eyes. The taxi’s wheels skid to a halt across the gravel, and the two get out. The air is sharp, not crisp, sharp, unlike the muggy heat of the downtown just a few minutes prior.
“Chanterelle….Chanterelle….Chanterelle…” Gilmour says, searching the ground meticulously, hand curled to the side of his face in a thinking posture.
“You mean these yellow things?” Barry says, pointing to a pair of Oaks, with Chanterelles ringing the ground around them. Gilmour whips his head around and runs over.
Gilmour studies the mushrooms.
“Intriguing. They aren’t supposed to be in season just yet.”
“Do you want to go through the oaks?”
“Wait. Lemme fetch my camcorder.” Gilmour reaches into his grey side bag and pulls out his camcorder from one of the sub-bags. “I have to catch it all on tape to see if the outside world disappears when we enter the supposed Oak Portal.”
“Ready?” Barry asks.
With Gilmour filming, the two walk in sync through the trees.
The first thing Barry notices is the scent. The air is notably less sharp, more of a haze. It’s faintly sweet and sour, and smells of a decaying vase of flowers. Gilmour looks around, turning back to the Oaks.
“The car! It’s gone! Just like Dave said.” Gilmour exclaims, zooming into the spot where his cab was just moments before.
“We should have entered the pocket dimension or somethin’.” Barry takes out his phone. The reception signal bars are all out. “Typical. This always happens in the movies.”
“Let me try something.” Gilmour goes around the Oaks—not passing through them—and looks on the other side. “The road’s gone, the car’s gone, it’s just forest. So to get back do we just go through them ag--” Gilmour vanishes, having passed through the Oaks once more and reappearing back on the other side of reality. Barry nods his head, and frowns in thought.
“So we’ll hafta make sure we don’t ever lose track of this tree. How will we do that?”
“I can help you with that!” A voice says, coming from a tiny flower on the ground. Barry looks down, and sees a violet with a mouth speaking to him.
“Hey, this is pretty rad. Gil! Come see this.” Barry then remembers that Gilmour’s in the other dimension and can’t hear him. Eh, he’ll get here soon enough, thinks Barry. As he thinks that, Gilmour pops back in.
“Yea, Barry, we’re going to need to find a way to not get los-”
“Come look at him, Gilmour.”
“What’s this?” Gilmour quickly zooms in onto the small violet creature. The flower curls its petals in embarrassment and chuckles. “Oh, please. I’m camera shy.”
“How will you help us find our way around this joint, little guy?” Barry crouches beside the violet.
“We flower fae are excellent with direction. There are plenty of us, and we were stationed near the Great Oaks many years ago to help visitors out. You’ll find our kind scattered all across the Oaken Kingdom. Oh! Everyone! Come on out! These creatures look alright!” The violet calls, and suddenly the whole forest floor around the two flourishes to life, thousands of wildflower fae of varying sizes spring out of hiding, and many of them spring free of the ground to fly about, and many land on the pair, examining them, and the sunlight is colored pinks and blues and purples as the air is diffused with the petals of these strange organisms. The violet one flutters up as well.
“I suppose I’ll be your guide. We fae do not use names regularly, amongst ourselves, but for creatures such as yourselves I do have a moniker I’m quite fond of. The name’s Telvio. Where can we take ya?”
“Where do you want to go, Gil?”
“Dave said that the farther down you go the stranger things get. We don’t want to go too far; we don’t have all day. I was initially just going to check the place out.”
“Don’t worry about time. Your bodies are suspended in the passage of time. This whole kingdom is. Time passes, sure, but it doesn’t actually pass, you see. So any time spent here is simply not spent, and as such, you can’t spend too much time here. The moment you step inside of the Oaks the outside reality stops.”
“Wack.” Barry adds.
“Excellent!” Says Gilmour, clasping his hands. “We can do what we please for as long as we please here. Say, this place is a kingdom? Is there a castle? Or a great capitol city?”
“Ah, well. Let’s talk while we walk, hmm?” Telvio suggests, and floats forward, waving with his tiny arms to his clan. “Farewell, friends! I’ll be back shortly! But remember!”
“YOU CAN’T WASTE TIME IF YOU DON’T SPEND IT!” They all shout. “It’s the kingdom’s motto, see.” Telvio explains casually.
---
The trio have been walking for some time. North, according to Gilmour’s compass. The Glazed Forest, or so Telvio calls it, cut by a simple but wide dirt path the party’s traveling on. The sun is lower, but that matters not for there is no real time in the kingdom. Telvio discusses the history of the kingdom with the two. According to him, the Oaken Kingdom was a pocket dimension crafted by the great sorcerer Malencio many hundreds of years ago, as a personal leisure paradise, an escape, his own world to control. The creatures that populate the kingdom are all direct figments of Malencio’s imagination, this reality his to manipulate. Well, used to.
“But where is he now? You speak as if he’s dead or other.” Gilmour inquires. Telvio’s small face scrunches as he takes on a darker shade of purple, uncomfortable.
“See that’s the issue the kingdom’s been plagued by. Malencio personally wronged another great magic user, about two hundred years ago. Nobody’s sure what happened, but he defeats Malencio in a great battle right here in the Oaken Kingdom. The fiend cast an extremely potent spell that locked Malencio in the deepest part of the kingdom, at its core a couple of miles down, locked in a special vaulted catacomb. Along with the spell came its other effects, most importantly two things. One, that no creature can escape through the Oaks, which is the only exit point in the whole kingdom, no matter what, or be instantly destroyed, and two, that time is in a limbo here. Our motto is about time because the entire Kingdom is governed by its existence. This actually has been causing many problems as of late.” Telvio says, floating along.
“What problems? Aside from Malencio being locked away forever the place seems like a pretty nice place, no?” Gilmour asks.
“Not as nice as you may think. The kingdom is relatively small, space wise, only about 200 square miles. Not being able to leave or expand has largely bottlenecked the Kingdom. The state of limbo also dictates as nobody here can be born, or die of old age, many citizens outright commit suicide due to the crippling boredom of a meaningless existence.” Telvio sighs. “I myself have considered the deed, but the consequence of forced death in the kingdom is more terrible than I can stand.”
“What’s that?” Barry asks, munching on some fruit that he’d picked, of which Telvio had advised was safe to eat.
“Your body does not decompose. It stays in the exact state of which it died in. Life and death may be warped here but they still exist; the council has deemed forced destruction of the bodies unethical, so there’s a gravesite where each body is buried in specialized caskets, where the unrotting corpses simply…..exist. It’s terrible.”
“I’d hate for that to happen to me. Is there any way to break the spell?” Barry asks. The path they’re taking grows larger and more worn, and they come up to a hill.
“To break the spell, only the caster, David Crazios, can do it. And I doubt he’s still alive.”
“WAIT A MINUTE. David Crazios? The one that runs Dave’s ‘Teria????!” Barry, are you hearing this??”
“I always KNEW that Ol’ Crazy Dave was up to something big. I didn’t know he cursed an entire parallel dimension or their leader though.” Barry quipped.
“But….Who would have thought? I thought he was just crazy…”
“You know of David Crazios? WHERE IS HE?” Telvio suddenly becomes frantic. “If---if he; still alive, if he’s still around, if you can contact him, then you can help us break free!!!!! I”LL FINALLY BE FREE OF THIS ACCURSED EXISTENCE!!! PLEASE SAVE US!”
“Okay, calm down, Telvio. Everything will be ok.” Barry says, attempting to console the poor creature.
“But does Dave even remember any of this? He’s forgetful and not particularly a person to hold onto things for a long time. If he really is the person who cursed this kingdom all those years ago, well, would he even remember?” Gilmour says.
“I’ll describe what I know of him to you to try and see if we have the same person. He’s, last I saw him, a scruffy adult man with a sloppy manner of speaking. When he raided the kingdom he was….wearing an odd, shiny metal contraption on his head….What’s that called? We don’t use those sorts of things here in the kingdom.” Telvio describes.
“A pot? Did it have a wooden handle? It was on his head like a hat?” Gilmour fired off.
“Precisely!....They’re called p-aht-s? Noted.” Telvio confirms. The trio come up to a busy area, a market of sorts, with all sorts of shops and stalls run by a bizarre assortment of creatures, only a few of which resembled anything close to a human.
“This is the Bushelo Bazaar. But no time to buy! We need to get you two to the city centre and get you retrofitted fir the journey that lies ahead. Hey! You there!” Telvio rushes to a boar-person, a curious creature dressed nicely in green pants. It wears no shirt, but has golden bracelets lacing its wrists and a knapsack made of what seemed to be burlap hanging from its shoulder. The boar looks up from its conversation with a small…rosebush? I’m not sure myself.
“Whaddya want, daisy.” The boar spits, squinting at Telvio’s small purple figure, floating at eye level. Telvio stiffens his tiny forme, and frowns.
“I’m a violet, not a daisy. I’m Telvio, lead Foyer Keeper. I know that you run a rickshaw business. I need you to transport these two fellows to the city capitol. Immediately. Very important business.” Telvio says.
“Mighty big orders from such a little guy. Why should I take y’all anywhere?” The boar scoffs.
“Because these two know how to contact David Crazios.” Telvio whispers.
“Crazios? Crazios??? You’re kidding me!” The boar exclaims in a whisper-shout. “You can’t be serious! We’ve not seen him for centuries! You mean there’s hope of breaking out of this limbo?” The boar says excitedly.
“That’s right. I know exactly where to find him and how to get him, and now that I know the situation of the matter, we’ve resolved to help.” Gilmour says.
“Well hop in!” The boar says, picking up his rickshaw that’s been lying against a wall, and he puts on his gloves and hoists the creaky old thing up with powerful forelegs. Gilmour and Barry climb in, and, expecting seatbelts, are alarmed when thin vines coil around their waists.
“Don’t worry about the vines. They’re just there for your safety. You don’t have those where you come from?” The boar chuckles.
“No. We have a thing called ‘seatbelts’. Though this vine method is certainly a more efficient means of safety.” Gilmour replies.
“I’ll fly on ahead. I’m good friends with the minister of media in the castle. I’m going to deliver the message personally so that the castle can prepare an announcement.
“Great. I’ll get these two to the castle center.” The boar starts forward, down the center street, and turns left through a low wall. Gilmour and Barry watch Telvio fly until he’s out of sight, and the boar is now at a breakneck pace, faster than what could be expected of a boar carrying this sort of load. However, he was no ordinary boar, and this was no typical kingdom.
“So what do they call you two back home? I’m known as Harlow Herrington. Best rickshaw service-creature this quadrant of the kingdom. My three other brothers work the remaining quadrants. It’s a family business.” Harlow’s voice booms over the sound of hoof thumps and spinning wheels.
“Me and Barry are from the small city of Brickport, on the coast of Connecticut.” Calls Gilmour.
“No idea where that is! But a pleasure to meet you both! And, I must thank you! You have come to save this kingdom!” Harlow shouts again. The fields of wheat and rice flank the main road, creatures of varying types and sizes. Gilmour has had his other camera out, taking pictures constantly of the scenery and creatures of this world. Barry poses the best he can in the cramped rickshaw and smiles for a photo. The castle wall is coming up; the three can see it drawing closer and closer. The rice fields give way to farming villages and smaller buildings that cling to the inner castle wall like barnacles. Harlow’s hardly broken a sweat, but I suppose that’s what happens when time doesn’t affect you. The rickshaw stops. Harlow lets the two get out. He smiles a toothy grin and nods his head.
“Pleasure doing business with you all. But, I must be on my way. Good luck, and remember!”
“You can’t waste time if you don’t spend it!” The three say in unison. Harlow turns and rushes off, rickshaw bouncing along the dirt road. The pair turn to the huge open gate of the Oaken Kingdom’s main castle. Guards stand sentry, but they say nothing as the two pass through.
“Guess there’s not too much conflict around here.” Barry comments.
“I suppose not, when your dimension’s in limbo, what’s there to fight about.”
Inside the castle it’s quite large. A large gathering is already forming in the center, below a raised stage.
“Hey! Gilmour! Barry! Over here!” Telvio calls from the side.
“It’s Telvio! Look, Gil!” Barry grabs Gilmour and pulls him over.
“Oh, chaps! Good to see you all get here so quickly. The council is sending out the official announcement of our salvation, and they’ve sent me to get you all fitted for the quest to the deepest, darkest depths of the Oaken kingdom. Once of course you’ve fetched David Crazios. To undo the spell. See, the spell he casts requires that he himself must descend to the very core miles beneath the ground and unlock Malencio and break the spell himself.” Telvio says.
“Hey, hold up. We can fetch Dave for you all, but I don’t think I’m a warrior enough to battle evils and monsters and such and do hero type things.” Barry replies.
“True to the point, Barry. We’re not equipped fighters. Barry never misses leg day sure, but this is pushing what we an do. Heckles, I’m an underpaid journalist! Every day’s leg day running after the crooks but in the end I’m not fantasy hero material.”
“Nonsense! I fully believe you all are equipped o handle such dangers!” Telvio claps his tiny hands, barely audible as his pedicels slap together. A swarm of castle works-creatures spring out from the woodwork and start taking measurements. A fox offers up a large silver plate with assorted small weapons on it.
“”Poison dagger? Fire-enchanted katanas? Maybe I can get you a thunderbow.”
After swiftly choosing from a few styles in a catalogue and picking out some base weapons that look good. Gilmour selects a pair of permapoison daggers, deadly; the venom of a slain giant cobra’s teeth have been worked right into the metal work, offering a deadly and stealthy option. Barry selects a light axe, crafted from mined Aero metal. Their combat suits are snazzy. According to the catalogue they’ll both be getting a blade tipped whip, grip boots with metal soles for offensive capabilities, and utility belts to go along with it.
“I don’t think we need to completely change the look.” Gilmour says.
“I agree. I quite like the jeans and band tee I have going on.” Barry says, and looks down at his shirt.
“You do…For me I’ll be dead before I stop wearing sweaters over belted pants.”
Telvio pipes up. “But, we need to get you all back to the real world to get David Crazios. Minia? Would you do the honors?” Telvio turns to a cat, milky white, with oddly green eyes.
“I’m going to warp you to the Chanterelle Foyer. Please, do hurry, and go get Crazios for us.” Minia says. She chants a few lines, and waves her wand. At the end of the incantation, she flicks it in their direction, and the room whirls bright.
In the warp tunnel, it’s all golden and bright and gemlike color. And then the two are deposited bottom first onto the ground, right in front of the Oaks.
Barry runs up and touches the trees. He peers through, and sees the cab.
“Feels like forever, but—”
“No time has passed. But we shall initiate the flow once more, or that’s what’s supposed to happen.” Gilmour says, finishing this time. They run through the portal and to the cab.
---
“Dave! Dave! You’re not gonna believe this!” Barry exclaims, bursting into the front doors of Dave’s ‘Teria. Customers look on in surprise as the two men run over to the counter. Dave’s in a conversation about a movie with a patron. He looks up, his pot bouncing slightly.
“Hwat is it? Are the squirbos eatin’ the wires agen?” He scruffles, his beard twitching.
“No. Dave, do you remember the portal we were talking on earlier?” Gilmour says.
“Ya! Didja go an’ check it out?”
“Indeed we did. However, we found out a lot more than we expected.” Gilmour adds. Dave’s left eye blinks, a full second his right eye does. “Turns out, you imprisoned a wizard and his kingdom and all the citizens in a trapped limbo of non-time.” Dave frowns, and scratches his neck.
“Ah, ya. That wash…a coupla hundred yearsh ago? Hrrngh..! Mah-len-see-Wah-len-see STILL hashn’t given my tACO back yet! That wash a tashty taco too!” Dave makes a pouty face, and frowns again.
“Um, Dave. So that WAS you. Yeah, we talked to the citizens about the situation and they really need you to reverse the spell and free them of the curse. Otherwise they’re stuck in limbo for the rest of eternity.” Gilmour states seriously.
“That’d be rad.” Barry adds.
“Yowzers. Ya mean, there’s peeble and animols that arr suffrin ‘cuz of me? I don’t like that much…Well that’s that! Let’sh go to the portal mushroom oak tree place. FRANK!!! Fill in for me yar?!” Dave calls.
 “Right on Dave! Stay safe out there!” Frank calls from the kitchen. He pokes his head out. He looks like a non-crazy version of Dave. “Keep him safe kids. He’s…well Dave.”
Dave scowls playfully. “Whatsh TAT shupposhed to mean?”
“C’mon guys.” Gilmour says.
---
“Here’s the entrance. Look familiar, Dave?” Gilmour asks.
“Yah. It’sh the portal I wash talkin’ bout!” The three go through. They make their way through the Chanterelle Foyer, the Glazed Woods. Once they get to the bazaar many citizens take notice f Dave and gasp in shock. Some faint on the spot. A crowd starts to form around the three.
“Is that….?” “Could it be?” “Impossible!” The crowd murmurs.
“Yes hello. I am Gilmour Orson from the outside world and we have fetched David Crazios from the outside to lift the curse he implaced unot this kingdom all those years ago. Yes yes, no need to thank us.” Gilmour says, pushing his way through the crowd. Everyone’s still surprised, but some turn angry.
“Why did you have us suffer for so long, old coot!” Shouts an elderly alligator lady, clutching her purse.
A bear raises an angry fist. “I’ve had to take care of my four small children for over 200 years because of you!! I’ve been trapped in this limbo and—” A bear mother faints from rage on the spot, and a cluster of smaller animals stop her from slamming into the cobblestone floor. The crowd quickly goes sour, and they turn on the trio.
“Time to show ‘em what REAL pain looks like.” Mumbles a chameleon, with a small stick in hand.
“It’s been too long….You know how hard it is to breathe when you have multiple lung issues but there ain’t no death option?! *hack* Yeah! I’ve been sniffling and coughing for two hundred years! *cough*” A deteriorated turtle shouts the best he can, and immediately goes into a fit of coughing. The crowd presses closer, and closer, and clo--
“SHTOP!!!!” Dave shouts, holding out his hands defensively. “I’m shorry! I didn’t know that what I did would caushe shuch pain an’ shufferin’. I jus’ wanted me taco….Malencio didn’ give it to me, and I got mad at him, but I shee now that’s no excuse for cursin’ everybody here az well. It’sh not fair. I promishe to undo the spell and never return. I’m shorry!” Dave begsh begs.
The crowd pulls back. A burly looking rhino steps up. “How do we know you’re telling the truth?”
“You’re just going to have to trust us. He is the only one that can break the spell, whether you hate him or not.” Gilmour states.
“Ya. If you kill him, like. He won’t be able to break the curse.” Barry says…wait. Barry’s eating AGAIN?? Cherry pie this time!!! Where did he get it? I don’t know, and it doesn’t really matter, but still. Eating pie during a tense moment like this. Where did the plate and spoon come from.
“Alright then. But if you all make any trouble, any at all, we’ll make sure you regret it.” The rhinoceros spits, glaring.
“Ok ok, chill. We’re just gonna get in and get out.” Barry says.
---
“We need to get to the castle quick, Dave. You’re supposed to be an all powerful magic user, right?” Gilmour asks.
“Herm. Um, lemme see…” Dave scratches his chin. “Aha! Gherfle gumbo corne enchilada!” He exclaims, mouth agape, and the three are instantly teleported to the castle.
They reappear in the courtyard, and Dave is already shuffling to the stage. He struggles on, climbing onto it from the front, not bothering to take the steps just a few feet to the left. He straightens on stage. By this time many officials and businesspeople have taken notice and one by one the events of the bazaar are reenacted. This time, though, with considerably less fainting. Telvio flies over, visibly shocked.
“It’s him! He’s here! Crazios is here!” Telvio exclaims. “He’s going to set us free?!”
Dave starts speaking loudly, having stolen a mic from the stage. “Yesh! Me an me friends arr gonna go an’ break the curse! Have a nice day.” He jumps down. “Let’s go, fellaz!”
“Wait! We had your gear prepared! Quick, put it on!” Telvio exclaims, and a swarm of castlehands converge on the two and in moments they’re all ready for action. Gilmour snaps his bladed whip.
“Hey…That’s pretty good!” He says. Barry bounces on his metal soled boots.
“Now I have the power of Dave, anime AND metal boots on my side. Haha!” Barry says.
“Onwards, chapsh!” Dave says, and snaps his fingers. The trio is warped away, leaving everyone else in shock.
“Oh! Well, they’ve gone. I suppose there’s not much to do but wait.” Telvio says. “Chop chop people! Plenty to be done! Business as usual!” He calls, and the castle instantly gets over itself and goes back to work; taxes to file, farms to reap, etc.
---
“Hey, Dave? Where are we?” Barry asks.
“Deep in the catacombsh. This is the teleport room, ya shee. Magic users warp to this shenter shpot whenever we access this area. Shee, you can’t get to this maze any other way. It’s a pocket dimenshin in a pocket dimenshin. Hehe.” Dave explains, and walks forward, and presses a palm to the side of the grand, wooden doors. They slide into the walls, revealing a long passage way of stone lit by glowing crystals on the walls.
“There’sh lotsa monsters and such down here, but the maze mapout is pretty shimple. Ya jus’ go straight and beat each level like a vidya game!” The three walk through the passage way. Before they can reach the next room, however, the floor opens up in front of them. From a rising platform from the underground comes a large Rave, huge, really; with bladed wings and deathly talons. It screeches and ruffles its feathers. Gilmour winces at the shout—he hates loud noises—but Barry and Dave are unfazed.
“The catch is—as I was the one who created this maze, I alsho made it sho I can’t be the one to defeat the levels. Someone else has-ta do it! Go, lads!” He motions with his hands, reclining on an armchair that he just summoned. Gilmour rolls his eyes, but before the battle starts, he whips out his camera and blinds the Raven with a flash pic.
“Eh. The noise reduction could have been better.” He comments.
“SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” The raven screeches, angry at the momentary eye damage. It barrels towards Gilmour.
“This is easy.” Barry says. He spins his whiplash and flings it at the creature’s neck, and yanks it back. The raven’s neck is pierced and the tip grabs into the flesh and the creature’s halted midair and crashes on its back. Barry grabs the end of the whip and pulls it out, black blood staining its tip. The Raven screeches softly and then dies.
“Level one, complete.” Barry says, grinning. “Rad.” Gilmour nods his head in deferment to Barry.
“Good job, Barry! Great teamwork.” Dave says, and rolls forward on his hoverboard, (that he just summoned. This madman uses his powers for the most important of things). “Oh! And as a reward for round one completion you’ve leveled up. What spell do you want?” Dave asks, rolling towards the next room.
“What’s the list like?” Gilmour asks.
“I want to have a really big sword that shrinks to the size of a dollar bill the moment I don’t need it. Oh and it freezes whatever it cuts.” Barry responds, almost immediately after Gilmour.
“Not a spell, Barry.” Dave says. They all stop at the door to the next phase.
“I’ve decided. Spell of transformation. I want to shapeshift into whatever I want.” Gilmour says.
“Done.” Dave snaps his fingers.
“Hmmm…..Gimme spell of Nullifying Damage. I wanna be invincible and fight these thots head on and up close, but I don’t really want to die doing it.” Barry says. Dave nods his head.
“Inventive! That’s a new one. Done.” He presses his palm to the panel next to the door. It slides open.
Inside is a large colosseum. A crowd, entirely spawned for show purposes, is raucous and noisy, chanting slogans and some are waving signs promoting their ad sponsorships. An announcer-demon, hovering in the air with four small wings, yells into a microphone.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DEMONS AND HELLHOUNDS! A NEW FOE APPROACHES!” The creature swoops over. It’s a fuzzy black bat-like demon, with ecstatic yellowed eyes and a smirk. “What might your names be?”
“Gilmour Orson, and this is Barry Gonzalez. And David Crazios, you know.”
“Excellent! Everybody wave hello to the creator!” The crowd waves, and Dave waves back, genuinely happy to see his fans, even if they are demons from hell or whatnot.
“AND NOW, THE BEAST YOU MUST DEFEAT…..GAIANA! COME ON OUT G!” The announcer screams, the hype factor of the room increasing tenfold. The gates opposite of the trio pop open, and a Giantess, female, about thirty feet tall, wielding a massive spike ball on the end of a long chain. She also carries a shield, which has the words, in what seems to be blood, “We love Dave” on it.
“Lookit!!! She has a shield with my name on it!” Dave exclaims, and hops around like a puppy. Dave spawns in a flying platform for himself, complete with microphone and speaker and a guardrail so he can watch and commentate the forthcoming battle.
“AAAANNNDDD FIGHT!” The announcer yells, and the crowd screams in excitement.
“Well well well, what have we here? A coupla pipsqueaks hmmmmmm??????” Gaiana croons. Well, about as well as a Giantess can. Her earth-colored skin is flecked with battle scars and her metal battle armor is shaped like a ribcage; she says that shaping her armor like bones is cool.
“Too bad you’re going to flop like Katy Perry’s last album.” Gaiana makes a pouty sad face, but then a shoe hits her cheek.
“YOU LEAVE KATY OUTTA THIS, GAI!!!” Screams a crowd member.
“YOU’RE JUST SALTY THAT TAYLOR ACTUALLY HAS TALENT!! SHUT YOUR MOUTH FELIPE” Gaiana shoots back.
“The stan wars affect the nether realm as well? Noted.” Gilmour scrawls in his notebook. “All women are queens, but…..”
“This one’s a THOT!!” Finishes Barry.
“Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?” Gilmour says cockily. “TRANSFORMA!” Gilmour shouts. He glows bright, not as bright as a car headlight, more like a flashlight, and shapeshifts into a Flygon. (It’s a Pokemon. Yeah). Gilmour-now-Flygon rises into the air, and blasts a fiery flamethrower at Gaiana. She raises her shield, which, though quite cool in its metal-wood-bone construction, begins to burn.
“Dammit! I hadn’t thought of fire…Eat this, shapeshifter!” She heaves her spikeball chain, and Gilmour has to let go of the fire to dodge.
“DAMAGE DELETION! Go!” Yells Barry, and he charges at Gaiana’s feet. Pulling out the battle axe from earlier, he jumps and swings his blade into her foot. Green blood spurts out, the color of dying moss.
“YOU”LL PAY FOR THIS!” She kicks him off and slams her spikeball, crashing over his head. It bounces off, and Barry is unscathed.
“Wha? What sorcery is this??” Gaiana bellows.
“Magic and whatnot.” He shrugs. “Gilmour! Carry me to her neck! I Gotta idea.”
“You bet.” Gilmour grabs Barry and lifts him by the shoulder, and flies over a crippled Gaiana and deposits him on her neck. Before she has time to react, Barry nods, and plunges the handle end of his axe—which is sharpened to a lethal point—right into her brain stem.
“Oh, wig.” Are Gaiana’s last words, sputtering on blood. Her massive form starts to fall, and Gilmour hoists Barry back up and they fly to the ground. Whump. Oh well. She’s dead.
“Great battle! Very exciting.” Dave says, descending from his platform, it vanishing the moment it touched the ground, summoned out of existence.
“AND WITH THAT OUR REIGNING CHAMPION IS DEFEATED!! CONGRATULATIONS, BARRY AND GILMOUR! YOU MAY PASS! Dave too.” The announcer shouts.
“What’s next?” Barry asks, and Gilmour transforms back to normal. The announcer, in the background, is chanting a short spell. Gaiana comes back to life, fully healed, ready for the next contestant on Who Can Beat Gaiana?, the catacomb’s most-watched action show.
“There was shupposed to be one more room, but I decided to simply not have us do another level.”
“Why, Dave?” Barry asks. Dave shrugs, “I jus wanna get back and eat a taco. Let’s go to Malencio’s chamber.”
They walk over to the side of the colosseum, where a demon-hostess shows them the exit. She offers them pink lemonade, and all three accept as a reward for a battle well won. They wave goodbye to the audience.
“BYE DAVE WE LOVE YOU!!!!! BARRY AND GILMOUR YOU GUYS ARE COOL AS WELL!!” They shout.

The next hall is brightly lit, LED chandeliers every ten feet. A bit excessive, but at least they’re energy efficient. The ground is a polished marble. A set of fancy solid gold doors studded with Jewels that form a message. “Crazy Dave Rulez” is written in gemstones across the door. A pair of elves, on their hourly guard duty, salute Dave and the chaps.
“Warning! Dave of Crazionia, Malencio resides within, locked in his slumber for eternity unless you decide to break the spell. He’s not happy about this whole curse thing.” The tall elf to the left says.
“Yeah! Boss keeps taking his anger out on us through telepathy. He yelled at me for a whole hour earlier this morning.” The short elf to the right complained, his lower lip quivering.
“Oh please. We’re here to break the spell and that’s that!” Gilmour shoots back.
“Sorry kiddos, this one’s personal. I might need yur all’s help, but I can take him.”
“I’m twenty seven! Don’t call me a kiddo!” Gilmour says, indignant. Barry shrugs, and slurps his pink lemonade.
“Open up! I want my taco.” Dave says to the guards. They bow and the short one pulls out a bunch of keys. Unlocking the door, the air gets colder, the lights dim, and Dave struts in like the crazy chicken he is. Not chicken like cowardly, but the chaotic neutral of a rooster, ready to claw out its enemy’s eyes or whatnot.
“Whatsh POPPIN Malensee!!!” Dave says the minute he gets in. The room is large, with a tall ceiling. The dramatic lighting of an ever-burning fireplace and candles strewn about set the scene. There’s a large red button on a metal stand, with a sign saying “Wake up Malencio and break the curse? Press here.” Dave saunters up. He takes a chubby finger and presses the button.
The casket in the middle of the room emits black mist, as the casket lid flips open. Malencio, dressed pretty much like a Dollar Store Dracula, pops open his red-irised eyes. He sits straight up, turns his head at an unnatural speed, and frowns spitefully.
“Come to wake me, Crash Davicoot? Hmmm?” He taunts. Dave is unaffected, and chuckles at the name.
“You’re funny, Ma-Went-On-Sale-Io. Yup. Now, where’s me taco?”
“I TOLD YOU I ATE IT AND I CAN’T JUST GIVE IT BACK!! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU?!”
“Hm. Well, ok. Whaddya wanna do now?” Dave asks nonchalantly. Malencio is appalled. They’re archnemeses and Dave doesn’t know what to do?
“We battle to the death, fool! What else would you do?” For the first time Malencio notices the two young men behind Dave. “I see you’ve brought along some children. Pathetic.”
“DO I LOOK THAT YOUNG??? Well I’ll tell YOU, Malencio. You look like the cobwebs the real Dracula brushed out of his pantry last week! What’s with the fake satin robes? The ill-fitting pants? And when was the last time you used conditioner? That hair is insulting mine with its sheer unkemptness!” Gilmour says, in an attempt to drag Malencio.
“That’s what happens when you’re imprisoned in this hellhole of a tomb for two hundred years, fool! Enough talk! Fight!” Malencio says, and instantly conjures up a ball of dark energy from his hand. Dave grins, and rises midair, the air crackling as the power of a million alternate realities flow through his pores.
“It’s CRAAAAZY DAVE TIME!!!!” He shouts, and he spawns a thousand cooking pots and hurls them all at Malencio—but one at a time. Malencio has no time to attack, as every moment he’s struck by another pan or pot. Thwack, thwonk, pink, ponk, boink, whamf.
Malencio roars in rage and banishes all the pots away, and hurls lightning at Dave. Dave teleports at the speed of light all around the room, flashing in and out of reality a hundred times a second. He teleports behind Malencio and tries to stab a burning dagger he just conjured into Malencio’s neck. Malencio whirls around and grabs Dave by the neck, and flings him into the wall. Dave is barely damaged and whips out tendrils of light that ensnare Malencio, dragging him in, but Malencio warps free, and conjures a million shadow blades. He hurls them all at once at Dave, who puts up a magic shield to deflect them.
“This ain’t getting nowhere quick. Hold on for a bit.” Dave raises a hand, not dropping his shield. Dave grins, and raises a hand. “It waz fun while it lasted. But I gotta get back to Dave’s ‘Teria and back to sellin’ sundaes. See ya in the 9th dimension, squirbo!” He finishes, and snaps his finger. In a blinding flash of light and shadow Malencio is banished to the 9th dimension, and his echoing scream is the last thing to be heard from his own set of vocal chords.
“So you could have remotely snapped him out of existence? All along?” Gilmour says, dumbfounded.
“It waz more fun dis way. But watchin’ you twos fight and fighting Malware-cio was a lotta fun. Thanksh chapsh! Let’s go.”
“You’re ridiculous, Dave.” Gilmour adds. They warp on out.
---
And so the residents of the Oaken Kingdom were free from their curse. Gilmour, Dave, and Barry were offered a co-kingship deal back at the castle but they turned it down. Better things were to be explored in the outside world. Time flowed normally again, the residents could leave now, and all was well. To this day if you go to the town of Brickport and visit an especially CRAAAAZZYY looking ‘Teria, you might spot a scruffy man with a pot on his head, or a pair of friends that have gotten into much too much for simply being called ‘Journalists’. Gilmour published his findings in a new illustrated book with photos by himself and sketches by Barry. He also founded the Connecticut Interdimensional Society (CIS), the first which actually featured otherworldly beings and real magic users. And so the story ends here. But don’t worry! The Adventures of Gilmour and Barry have just begun. Well, technically it began in The Case of Jeanne Welby, the first entry in the series, but whatever.
“Oi! Reader! Stay CRAAAAZZZYYY!!!” –David Crazios, 1297 A.D.