Memories and Death

I’ve told people that my depression was going to be the death of me, no...... there’s more to that. I’m sure plenty of you guys already know about this and you’ll probably kill me for it, but as of now I feel as if I’m as good as dead anyway. Much like everyone else, memories are constantly flowing through our minds, but most people have an insane amount of good memories to help overcome the dark. Well, some of us aren’t all that lucky, every good memory gained is anywhere from about 3-4 bad things that’ll come and hit you in the face like a ton of bricks. Everyone’s are different, for me though, a majority of my life had been lived standing in a corner, alone, in the dark, wearing a black hoodie, and I always kept to myself because I was always thinking of the past. My family seems to be the thoughts that are always coming back, my parents always arguing, my dad throwing a plate like a frisbee and looking up at the wall as I sit over by a window eating Ramen as I watch it shatter like my happiness that day. The amount of threats toward each other, every time the cops got involved, every time my mom cried and drank herself to sleep, every time my parents smoked, all of it. But, what hurts the most is what’s going on now, over the coarse of the summer, my parents got in several fights, my mom, sisters, and I would all leave either for the day or for the night and when we got back to the house something was usually destroyed. There was even one day to where I had an older style desktop computer in my room, and my dad got so pissed he threw it down the stairs and almost hit me with it, he’s also come close to punching me in the jaw a few times because I would tell them to “fucking shut up” whenever they started yelling and I couldn’t take it. Anyway, one day my mom couldn’t take it anymore because my dad threatened to either shoot her in her sleep with my .22 revolver, and slit her throat, or choke her out or something. My mom called the cops, and about a week later there was a restraining order placed on them and my dad wasn’t allowed in the house for six months. All was going fine until something happened and the cops stopped up sometime last week, and my dad is no longer allowed 20 feet near the house, and my sisters and I can only see him if we run into him in town, or at a relatives place during a small gathering that he never shows up to anyway. What I hated most, was that my dad blamed my mom for him never being able to hangout or spend time with us back before this whole mess started, but he was always asleep and didn’t want to do anything until we had to go to bed. Ever since I was born, I saw my dad just in time to say goodbye to him in the morning when he left the house for “work” and he always came back when I was asleep. Because I’m the oldest child, I’ve had to deal with this the longest, there were some moments to where he should have been there, places he shouldn’t have been because he had wrecked it a little bit, and two major events a huge fire and a car accident he was in to where my younger sister and I didn’t think we were going to see him again because we were young and consumed by fear. I tried playing baseball for about 5-6 years, and I didn’t even like the sport, I wanted to spend time with him and to get him to agknowledge my existence, it worked for a week and then nothing. I tried fishing, he’s complimented me twice on some fish that I caught, and took me out 3-8 times my entire life, and I’ve been fishing since I was about 4 or 5, that sucks. I’ve tried hunting as well, and he’s probably taken me out to do that twice since I got my liscence 5 years ago, other than that, he doesn’t do hardly anything with me, we’ve played catch 4 times in my whole life, and we tossed a football maybe 6 times. He pushed himself out of our lives by being both fucking stupid and hanging out with friends instead of his own kids, and now with this restraining order he’s been pushed even further from our lives, we barely have the chance to talk to him anymore. Hell, I’d be lucky if he even showed up to my senior graduation, not long after that I’ll tirn 18, I’ll get my liscence, hopefully get a truck, get a job, get money and go to college, and join the marines if I get recruited, my childhood is almost over, his time is quickly running out before I’m an adult. These are some of the darker memories that haunt me and keep me awake at night, there are plenty more but I have no time to explain and nor would I ever do so on a public sight, even I have some limitations, having photographic memory, I can either view these memories as pictures, or visualize them and rewatch them over again as if I had traveled back in time to watch me relive my own life, and it’s having that ability that could personally be the death of me, if I’m put under the right amount of pressure, the situation I’m in, and how depressed I become. It’s sheer torture, and a fraction of the demons inside me that are not afraid to take control.