deepundergroundpoetry.com
Journey of Words
My head is filled with things to say
But words get stuck in the folds of my brain
Id like to open my mind one day
And free the words that are restrained
They'll bounce around my skull and then
I'll grab a paper and a pen
to round the words back up again
And preserve the message they contain
The message will travel
Unfold and unravel
And settle themselves in another's mind
The words will ignite
Explode and excite
The sleeping thoughts they'll find inside
The thoughts transform themselves into words
And escape from someones mouth
Attach themselves to the wings of birds
And hitch a ride with them down south
There's no telling where they might go
In life's never-ending cycle
Words are more precious than any pearl
For they have the power to change the world
But words get stuck in the folds of my brain
Id like to open my mind one day
And free the words that are restrained
They'll bounce around my skull and then
I'll grab a paper and a pen
to round the words back up again
And preserve the message they contain
The message will travel
Unfold and unravel
And settle themselves in another's mind
The words will ignite
Explode and excite
The sleeping thoughts they'll find inside
The thoughts transform themselves into words
And escape from someones mouth
Attach themselves to the wings of birds
And hitch a ride with them down south
There's no telling where they might go
In life's never-ending cycle
Words are more precious than any pearl
For they have the power to change the world
Published 18th Nov 2011
| Edited 2nd May 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
21st Jan 2012 2:20am
<< post removed >>
2nd May 2014 2:35pm
This is a very strong piece and I find it difficult to pick it apart, it appears you have done some self editing and made it very crisp before you posted. I appreciate that. You're challenging me to become a stronger critiquer.
I like that you vary the type of rhyme through the poem (I tried, less successfully, to do that with a long poem of mine), you did it smoothly. In most poems that vary the rhyming structure, it just reads awkwardly.
Just a couple of minor things:
* "Never ending" - put a hyphen between the two words
* Consider erasing the word "because" from the last line.
* The line about the pearl is borderline cliche, but it passes okay because it works well with the rest of your poem which you wrote effectively.
Nice work!
I like that you vary the type of rhyme through the poem (I tried, less successfully, to do that with a long poem of mine), you did it smoothly. In most poems that vary the rhyming structure, it just reads awkwardly.
Just a couple of minor things:
* "Never ending" - put a hyphen between the two words
* Consider erasing the word "because" from the last line.
* The line about the pearl is borderline cliche, but it passes okay because it works well with the rest of your poem which you wrote effectively.
Nice work!
2nd May 2014 4:10pm
Thanks for the real critique. it definitely helps since im publishing a book and this poems in it so i had to go back and make changes to the manuscript. if you see anything else in any of my other poems that i should work on feel free to point em out. thanks again and take care.
