Illusional Love

“Life doesn’t hurt until you have time to yourself to think about how things have changed, who you’ve lost along the way, and how much of it is your fault.”
 
I don’t think she truly believed anything I said; it was just another one of her many facades
and because I wanted someone to believe me
I trusted her and believed her…..in her.   I allowed myself to become the fool…..foolish.
 
The other lesson learned here is there can be only one for one lifetime and I had mine long long ago.

No matter that this one was taken from me by nothing other than another mysterious illness;
 
No matter that she came to me at a very early time in my life and we only got in a couple of years;
 
No matter.  Did I make the best of those years?  You bet.  Especially towards the end.
 
And so, I know I deluded myself in earnest desire to recapture what was lost by loving and believing in
 
the illusion of an angelic shadow  in the depths of hell……mine (ours).  
 
(I can deal with this.  I was born with this training.  As a high functioning schizophrenic, I get to listen
 
To voices 24 / 7 AND often I get to see hallucinations – like people I’ve never consciously seen before.)
 
The worse part of this is I can still feel her and I am not even trying.
 
I need to find someone right away to tell me how I stop this because until I can make it stop I will
 
continue to be reminded of this illusion and the emotional pain associated with it, daily.
 
Hmmm, perhaps I will let it continue for  a while…
 
Sometimes I write amazing stuff when I am in pain.