deepundergroundpoetry.com
A journey to share
As I aged, I thought this life was abysmal,
terrible; I was hopelessly pitiful.
All the hate for myself haunted me
ruthlessly, aggressively taunted me.
But, then I set out to search for
a piece of earth's mysteries:
the magical, so powerful, Vision plants.
They opened my mind
to perceive my life differently,
so wonderfully, astonishingly amazing.
There were times when I felt
so free and aware,
a journey I needed to share
with all of mankind
to just please, please take the journey through
to the other side won't you,
please try to understand?
Now I think,
you better watch what you say or they'll be claiming you're a drug addict,
a crazy man, so dangerous, or detached from time.
Won't they see what I mean
I want them to go where I've been,
a place of love, a place of peace you all must see.
There were times when I felt
so free and aware,
a journey I wanted to share
with all of humankind
to just please, please take the journey through
to the other side won't you,
please just open up your mind
open your mind
Open your mind
Open your mind
Cause I was feeling so magical,
Invincible
It got so inconceivable.
terrible; I was hopelessly pitiful.
All the hate for myself haunted me
ruthlessly, aggressively taunted me.
But, then I set out to search for
a piece of earth's mysteries:
the magical, so powerful, Vision plants.
They opened my mind
to perceive my life differently,
so wonderfully, astonishingly amazing.
There were times when I felt
so free and aware,
a journey I needed to share
with all of mankind
to just please, please take the journey through
to the other side won't you,
please try to understand?
Now I think,
you better watch what you say or they'll be claiming you're a drug addict,
a crazy man, so dangerous, or detached from time.
Won't they see what I mean
I want them to go where I've been,
a place of love, a place of peace you all must see.
There were times when I felt
so free and aware,
a journey I wanted to share
with all of humankind
to just please, please take the journey through
to the other side won't you,
please just open up your mind
open your mind
Open your mind
Open your mind
Cause I was feeling so magical,
Invincible
It got so inconceivable.
Published 27th Jan 2019
| Edited 28th Jan 2019
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 11
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 7th May 2019 00:46am
27th Jan 2019 8:23pm
<< post removed >>
28th Jan 2019 00:48am
27th Jan 2019 9:49pm
28th Jan 2019 00:49am
27th Jan 2019 10:51pm
It's a very lovely expression and invitation, Hunter. A personal revelation shared in hopes that others heed the knowledge you've acquired.
To honor your request for honest critique -- I would suggest the following:
As I aged, I thought (that) life was (so) abysmal,
just terrible[;] (yes) I was hopeless (then), <-- 'was' ( past tense ) suggests 'then'
(just) pitiful
(and) all the hate for myself would (just always be) haunt(ed) me <-- removed excess and redundant words/altered haunting to past tense
(so) ruthlessly, (so) aggressively taunt(ing) me.
But then I set out to search for
a piece of earth(')s mysteries,
the magical, so powerful, Vision plants.
(Then) they opened my mind
to perceive (this) life differently,
so wonderfully, so astonishingly amazing.
In addition to the above, I've basically trimmed redundant and/or extraneous wordage. Once edited, saw a few more tidbits of punctuation and grammar to correct. If you accept my suggestions, the stanza would read as such:
As I aged, I thought life was abysmal,
terrible; I was hopeless, pitiful
all the hate for myself haunted me
ruthlessly, aggressively taunted me.
But, then I set out to search for
a piece of earth's mysteries:
the magical, so powerful, Vision plants.
They opened my mind
to perceive life differently,
so wonderfully, astonishingly amazing.
Ask yourself when you're writing if you REALLY need that word.
To honor your request for honest critique -- I would suggest the following:
As I aged, I thought (that) life was (so) abysmal,
just terrible[;] (yes) I was hopeless (then), <-- 'was' ( past tense ) suggests 'then'
(just) pitiful
(and) all the hate for myself would (just always be) haunt(ed) me <-- removed excess and redundant words/altered haunting to past tense
(so) ruthlessly, (so) aggressively taunt(ing) me.
But then I set out to search for
a piece of earth(')s mysteries,
the magical, so powerful, Vision plants.
(Then) they opened my mind
to perceive (this) life differently,
so wonderfully, so astonishingly amazing.
In addition to the above, I've basically trimmed redundant and/or extraneous wordage. Once edited, saw a few more tidbits of punctuation and grammar to correct. If you accept my suggestions, the stanza would read as such:
As I aged, I thought life was abysmal,
terrible; I was hopeless, pitiful
all the hate for myself haunted me
ruthlessly, aggressively taunted me.
But, then I set out to search for
a piece of earth's mysteries:
the magical, so powerful, Vision plants.
They opened my mind
to perceive life differently,
so wonderfully, astonishingly amazing.
Ask yourself when you're writing if you REALLY need that word.
28th Jan 2019 00:52am
I appreciate your critique and suggestions
and very kind words
It definitely reads better that way
Appreciate you taking time to read and offer suggestions
Thank you Ahavati🙏
and very kind words
It definitely reads better that way
Appreciate you taking time to read and offer suggestions
Thank you Ahavati🙏
28th Jan 2019 1:19am
I see the makings of a great lyricist and poet in you, Hunter. I can only imagine what you'll be when you reach my age.
28th Jan 2019 12:57pm
I appreciate your eternal kindness so much🙏 your words lift my spirit and for that I'm grateful thank you!🙏
Anonymous
28th Jan 2019 2:57am
Hunter, you have incredible talent. This was such an emotional one, beautifully written and expressed.
28th Jan 2019 12:58pm
Thanks so very much Soulz😊🙏
I so appreciate your beautiful presence and wonderful words!
I so appreciate your beautiful presence and wonderful words!
Anonymous
28th Jan 2019 1:11pm
You will always have that from me.
