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sometimes it's everything

 
I understand the power of belief
with no tangible evidence
nothing solid to back it
it's a burn in the gut
that won't subside
swelling up in a relentless tide
you can't fight it
can't deny it
you just let go
because you KNOW

my Roots taught me that

every night
as the sun went down
my family all gathered
daddy in the middle
enfolding him in their loving shelter
as they hollowed themselves
becoming living vessels
making space for something sacred
and the resulting energy released
when they opened up to their belief
filled every corner of the room
a living pulsing thing
embracing us with their inner light
and without question
even we small ones were silent

once when I was a child of five
I spied
standing outside their bedroom door
curious as they prepared for their day
darkness still hugging the horizon
she in her cotton nighty
he in his t-shirt and shorts
they sat at the edge of the bed
forehead touching forehead
nothing between them
but an old dog-eared bible
marked with many highlights
tenderly cradled in their hands
and his voice murmured
so soft and reverent
infused with such humble passion
I knew at once I had intruded
a moment so intimate
even at that tender age
I understood
this was space meant to be exclusive

and later in the evening
together with the family
I listened again
very closely
always the same heartfelt plea
"oh father, please
restore him to health
let our son be free of the pain"

each word so thick with their devotion
left me weeping
trembling with emotion
I believed

and I clearly remember the day
more than a decade later
I witnessed their faith falter
as we all formed our shrinking circle
and the prayer suddenly changed
their voices slightly ragged
and defeated
as they quietly pleaded
"forgive us, father
for being selfish
thy will be done
not ours
if you wish it
take him
oh father
just end his pain"

and my believing heart
shattered
into a million tear-filled fragments

if you could have felt the power
the weight of their words
crushing weary shoulders
and the agonizing crash
as faith collapsed
those two beautiful souls
who blindly gave their all
brought so painfully low
I could not bear to see it
and I turned away
closing the door on their chosen faith

but I still remember
decades later
how that room became so still
and so full
and how energy imbued my soul
I've finally found my own path
theirs unable to bring me solace
wherever I go now they follow
as I make myself hollow
embracing my Roots
soul deep and filled with truth
I can still feel their wordless grief
an open wound
unhealed
as even their last selfless plea
went many years unanswered
if it takes me the rest of my life
together we will find relief
because I truly understand
sometimes all we have
is belief
FromTheAsh
Written by FromTheAsh
Published
Author's Note
Copyright © 2019 FromTheAsh. All Rights Reserved
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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