Qazi (Poem also known as 'Am I not majestic enough for you)

you have made a lot of decisions i feel wrong over this time, not you being with others but other things.
 
I wanted to show you I can be out of contact, so you wouldn't be scared as I knew that was a fear of yours...and you messaged after it, after small drips of cancer and hpv...(again a phone call, I mean...) And you said I was quiet at the wrong time.  And it just killed me...I wanted to get sober and a new job with you...I'd have loved to fight for you then...I was doing my all to restrain it, so you knew if that was final I could move away...and because of your message...meeting someone during tomorrowland...and messaging saying you missed me...Maaan, that fucked me up...the mental paths i've had to go through to heal, and also feel, I deserve it, has been immense...and I did deserve some of it...but not a call to finish it? A text.  I loved that text for it pure poetry in the words...I may not have liked the content or that choice as a communication the END IT...but I loved, 'out of this whole disaster I've met someone' And I was genuinely happy for you.  I read it...and it hurt...but I was so happy for you, with such sincerity, I realised later on..months later, that was because, I do truly love you, and your happiness makes me happy, with or without you.  Even tho the first feeling is hurt, and loss, and all the 'what might have beens' have been pulled back in to not go back down that endless line, and I know I had my chance, and I know it was all me.  And i then ignore the 'pity me' thought and i picture you with a faceless guy (as I don't want to go into knowing what he looks like) and I see you smile, and in my mind i hear your laugh.  And I'm happy, that your'e happy, as I love you and that is what it is.
 
I'll always love you.