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Love Divine on Christmas
More so,
Than the ornate mantel
over the roaring fireplace.
Even more so,
than unwrapping gifts
before your open hearth -
was that divine gleam
within your eye,
I love you for it.
Than the ornate mantel
over the roaring fireplace.
Even more so,
than unwrapping gifts
before your open hearth -
was that divine gleam
within your eye,
I love you for it.
Published 31st Dec 2018
Author's Note
A poem for the competition: Expressionist Poetry on Christmas. It's about my fiance.
My poetry/short story website: www.gothicsurrealism.com
My poetry/short story website: www.gothicsurrealism.com
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
31st Dec 2018 4:03pm
31st Dec 2018 4:05pm
I appreciate the feedback LilDragonFly! I haven't checked out your work yet but I shall get right on that!
-Daniel
-Daniel
31st Dec 2018 4:34pm
Very lovely, Daniel. Heartfelt meaning and spirit of Christmas: Love.
To honor your request for honest critique I would offer the following:
More so,
Than the ornate mantel
over the roaring fireplace.
Even more so,
( t )han unwrapping gifts
( b )efore your open hearth -
( w )as that divine gleam
( w )ithin your eye
( f )or you [ ; ]
I love you for it.
All I've done is adjust the capitalization to reflect a more even flow of reading. As it is now, especially the first verse, you have a capital T ( denoting a new sentence ) following a comma in L2, followed by a lowercase o in L3.
Consistency is important in poetry in regards to the reader; therefore, I opted for lowercase throughout and a space preceding the last line for emphasis.
The "For you" confused me somewhat. Did you mean the gleam in her eye was for herself?
To honor your request for honest critique I would offer the following:
More so,
Than the ornate mantel
over the roaring fireplace.
Even more so,
( t )han unwrapping gifts
( b )efore your open hearth -
( w )as that divine gleam
( w )ithin your eye
( f )or you [ ; ]
I love you for it.
All I've done is adjust the capitalization to reflect a more even flow of reading. As it is now, especially the first verse, you have a capital T ( denoting a new sentence ) following a comma in L2, followed by a lowercase o in L3.
Consistency is important in poetry in regards to the reader; therefore, I opted for lowercase throughout and a space preceding the last line for emphasis.
The "For you" confused me somewhat. Did you mean the gleam in her eye was for herself?
31st Dec 2018 4:45pm
Ahavati, thank you very much for the advice and I immediately went back and revised. I suppose I stray away from grammar rules and put a more surrealistic touch to my writings but that last thing I want is inconsistency in my work. In the future please message me on any further corrections. I should brush up! Again thank you!
-Daniel
-Daniel
31st Dec 2018 4:50pm
Glad I could help, Daniel.
You may want to add an author's note regarding private messages ( being you've selected honest critique vs friendly feedback ). That way members know how you'd like to receive it.
You may want to add an author's note regarding private messages ( being you've selected honest critique vs friendly feedback ). That way members know how you'd like to receive it.
