Letting go

Erasing someone from your mind when they were your whole world is the strangest thing to do. I feel like I’m throwing valuables in the trash. It’s like I’m just cutting off a piece of me. But I can’t keep him here, it takes too much out of me to let him stay in my mind or in my heart. So I guess I just have to cut out all the parts that he’s tainted, but what if I’m left with nothing? What if I just become a hollow shell? I feel like I am moving forward but I have no idea what I’m doing, kind of like when you miss your exit but instead of turning around at the next one you just keep going aimlessly. It’s like my heart is in trouble and my mind is yelling at it to let go, or maybe my heart is tired of being crucified and it’s telling my mind to black out any memory of him. Either way it is so fucking unnatural. I had my entire life planned out with him and now I have to completely turn it around and I’m just spiraling incessantly over all this uncharted territory. I have never had this much control over my life before and I almost don’t know what to do with it all. I was a puppet for so long and now I can conduct my own life and to you it may be normal but to me it’s so new. I feel like I’m learning how to ride a bike or something. I think I’m in shock from losing him, I knew he was wrong for me but I loved him anyways. I didn’t think I would be giving my ring back before we ever even made it to the wedding day. All those dreams of sunflowers and dresses and wedding songs are up in flames. Our kids names are on tombstones in the graveyard of my memory. The inside of our apartment is a fucking ghost town. He is just another person passing me by now. A stranger.