Between Ghosts and Future
"Watch the context....
It reads wrong...
Go fuck somebody else, sorry I'm still a little raw..."
The result of my constant need for walls and running... to run away from what I want because I am fearful of the outcome is a practice I've held in the shards of my corroded heart...since....since...
I guess since I left him... since I lost myself submitting to a man who took me from myself and left nothing but blood on the linoliuem, bruises on my face, scars on my spirit in return.
I fell in love with walls... the way they granted the power to be built as tall as I so chose them to be... how brick by brick I could ward off anything that might cause me to ache that way again.
I don't remember the last time I was given a choice before now...
"Shut the fuck up bitch! You don't know what you're talking about!"
"I make the decisions, what I say fucking goes, you should know that by now!"
Echos haunt me even now... nights alone are both dear and haunted for me depending on which way my mind decides to run. Sleep a stranger that I visit from time to time wrapped in the arms of my keeper and how I miss it when it... him...when they're gone.
"Good morning beautiful."
What the hell does he see in me?
"You're a fucking useless slut!"
I almost believed that once before I got off my knees and tried to gather the pieces of myself again. The mind is a terrible thing to waste....but even worse is the fate of allowing an infection to breed in your own self image.
I still find myself some nights screaming for him to stop, still find myself rocking on the bathroom floor tears streaming my cheeks hating what I allowed him to destroy in me.
"You can't change the past, but you have a chance now to make a better life lil one."
I am still in pieces, shambles if you will, but there is this man that won't stand for anything but me at my best that deserves me whole.
Still fearful of what the future holds...no longer running.
"Baby please help me forget, hold me in your arms!"
I choose to try again... because life is to short to live tangled up in ghosts.