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I'm falling again

I'm sorry to my friends
who have sat with me in the dark
I'm sorry you have to hear these words once more
and I am sorry
you will have to witness this
for what seems the hundredth time,
but I am falling again.
I am sorry that the days we spent
piecing me back together again
seem to be in vain
because the moment the sun sets
insomnia creeps into my bed
and anxiety sweeps me up into its arms
and I wish i could tell you I pushed it away
I wish I could tell you i held my ground
but every time I tried
Depression pinned me down and held me captive in its kiss.
I cant tell you how much it hurts me
to have to say these words to you
they say it gets easier with enough practice
but I guess that doesn't apply to this,
I can see the pain in your eyes before I even speak
We thought this battle was won
but here comes the war
and its raging inside my head
the waves crashing off my soul
tearing it apart inside my hallow bones
and its killing me more
to know that I am doing it to myself.
I'm sorry to the family I have left
who haven't abandoned me like the rest
I'm sorry I cant make you proud
I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be
the happy me, the whole me, the old me
see I can't find myself I'm lost
and I don't know where to look
or even if I want to
I kinda like it when I lose myself
because then I am not haunted by the memory
of who I used to be.
We've been down this road in the past
we've crawled through this maze before
found ourselves on the edge of this abyss
that's staring back at me at night when I'm alone,
it's calling my name and drawing me in
and I'm sorry that I'm tempted
I'm sorry but I'm falling again.
The nights are getting darker
the hours are getting longer
the lure of a promised nothing is getting stronger
and I can't find a way to stop it
I have tried so hard to stand
but yet I'm finding myself on my knees
turning to God begging for his help,
but depression has this funny thing were he tells you
either God is not real
or he just chooses to ignore your pleas.
Every night my eyes fall to the moon
I find myself pleading for its light
to pierce my mind and guide me home
but it seems my soul has found another
and left my body to rot in this bed
as my graveyard of a rib cage
echoes with a pathetic heartbeat as the only evidence
that I am even alive.
To the people who love me
I'm sorry your love was wasted
for all I can feel is torn between nothing and hate,
I hate that I am like this
I hate that this thing inside of me chose me
I hate that every time I close my eyes I see nothing
I hate that I enjoy that,
and I hate that the crystal tears forming in your eyes are because of me
because you know I hate myself for causing you pain.
And to the people who can feel these words
deep in the depths of your heart
I am so sorry,
no one should relate to these words
and if I could pull the sorrow from your veins
so you don't slit the skin to let it seep out of you
I would do it without question
because I wish someone would do it for me.

To the people who rushed me to hospital
and the doctors who flushed my system of the pills
I'm sorry you had to witness that
please know I never wanted you to see that
that was a side of me I wished no one would ever see.
To the friends I made in the ward
I'm sorry you were all there because you had no choice,
life had stripped you of health beyond your control
and me being there was a slap in the face
because I put myself there
and I so casually threw away the very thing
you are fighting for.
To the Mental Health team who talked to me
thank you for sitting with me
thank you for seeing
I don't want to die i just want the pain to end
you saw I saw no way out
I'd tried everything or so I thought
and you threw me a lifeline and new weapons I didn't have before.

To my friends I'm sorry you had to witness me falling again,
but some good came from it,
I know what I did was wrong
but it gave me the respite to continue fighting
and I will pick up where I left off
until I've killed this beast inside of me,
and I'll make you all proud when I say
"I'll never fall again."
FallenAngle
Written by FallenAngle (TheQueenOfTheDark)
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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