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Thyown Sad Heartfelt Reflections of La Douleur Exquise

Admittedly this relationship that you and I are in seems like it's nothing but a cliffhanger.
That even from the very get-go, it felt as though I wasn't on solid ground, especially whenever it is that I nearby you.
I mean each of your acts of blatant disregard, carelessness, heedlessness, inconsiderateness, unthoughtfulness,
Would constantly test the limits of how far you could almost push me over the edge.
Testing on how much I could take before I was able to pull myself together and then back onto the ledge.
But you knew well what you were doing.
And you know what!?
I've finally grown sick and tired of holding onto the edge all the while you're looking down over me.
And I've become weary from holding on to the very crumbling edge of this cliff hanger waiting on them for you to help me back up upon the ridge.
But I do believe it's time that I pulled myself up on my own without your help.
So that I may find another mountain to climb maybe with somebody who won't leave me hanging on the very edge of the unknown.

Strangely enough, you don't argue with my choice of wanting to climb a different mountain.
In fact, I've come to find out that you've already moved on to different obstacles to overcome in your life.
Now you're suddenly declaring that you deserve better than a wretch like me and demand that I believe it to be true.
Oh, and you're also expecting me to warrant that I merit somebody that is able to tolerate such a scoundrel like myself.
When in fact you know better that I won't try and seek out another love interest.
Because as you should already be fully aware of that this time was the last time that love would spellbound me.
So, once you've walked out that door and we've gone our separate ways there won't be anymore pining after love in another ever again.
Merely for the fact that love has officially died and gone to hell in the absence of your presence.

Also, you're trying to tell me that for some time now I've done stopped fighting for our love to stay alive,
Even though that isn't true whatsoever.
Cause it's you who's been proving for some time that our love isn't worth fighting for anymore.
So don't you dare try and justify the means to in this relationship as being entirely all my fault?
What a shocker, that you're still gonna do it anyways, so what's the point in trying to stop you anyhow.
I would really like it if you'd stop feeding me lies, of there'll come a day when I'll meet someone who would love me but until then everything is going to be okay.
What you're saying is completely and utter mullarkey as well as a contradiction.
Because you are the one who is secretively planning on leaving me under the cover of alleged secrecy.
And you're going to do so without any care in the world that you'll be leaving me here broken and alone.
Irregardless a word choices are, and there isn't much of anything that I could say that would sway your thought or opinion of me or your decision about leaving me either.
For I have come to accept that both judgment calls have been permanently seared into your subconscious.

Look at me there in this old photograph long before we were ever us.
Way before but we had gone from good to bad, to worse, to breaking our sacred trust and going our separate ways.
Lordy, I hardly recognize myself it sure has been a while since I wore such a smile.
It's so sadly amazing how much my life has changed since way back when I smiled in such a fashion.
Which has got me thinking, whatever happened to that smile and why did it ever fade away?
Back then I would hold my head up high, with eyes a-lit brightly and a much better outlook on life.
Also way back then I believed in such things as happiness, hopefulness, and love.
I have some understanding as to what happened to part of the man I used to be.
But I'm still wondering how it is that I can no longer believe in such things as happiness, hopefulness, and love anymore.
I don't know what hurts worse the thought of you given up and leaving me.
Or the picture the man I was before life took its toll on me and you added insult to injuries that were unhealed.

Not many people know that deep inside my rib cage there lies an abandoned home,
That is haunted with the memories of a forgotten time that it once knew oh so very well, that was full of laughter, joy, smiles, hope, and love.
If I were to sit still silently and long enough I would hear conversations that have been lost to time, feel sweet kisses on my skin which still linger.
I could even feel the residual touch of you against my skin holding on to me for safety and warmth.
Also, I can almost envision you looking intensely into my eyes searching for some sort of beauty that I couldn't ever quite see or understand.
There'll be traces of your perfume that will still be lingering about this empty haunted home that was once ours and now is my lonely tomb.
And it will be these residual fleeting memories that shall help keep the demons at bay,
As well as stoke the fires of the possibility of happiness, hope and love being found somewhere over the distant horizon.

But until that day arises where such things are found,
I'll choose to conceal what it is that I live with every day - unbearable insufferable miserable agonizing loneliness.
Never will I let anybody see how it affects me, know what it is nor will I share it with anyone.
I will keep it bottled up and locked away so that way nobody knows how much is claws at me, tears me up and leaves me feeling hollowed-out.
Is lies heavily upon my chest at night when I'm sleeping rudely arousing me from my sleep.
Just so I notice that it's glaring down add me trying to force me to remember things I work to forget but cannot.
All that I've been through, all of the agonizing tormenting brutal hardships and heartaches that I have endured on countless different occasions has molded me, held me during my utmost loneliest moments and has forevermore changed me into someone I no longer recognize anymore.
 
Oh, how I wish you knew who I was before these demons hoarded themselves away and took refuge in my accursed condemned heart and soul.
Maybe it is then that you and I would not be going our separate ways and I wouldn't be breaking once again.
Oh, how I so wish there was a way to turn back the hands of time and go back before we met, to the point where I was just a stranger and there was no memory of me and who are used to be or what I have done to you.
I'd just be someone you've never met before and might be willing to give it a try with.
Only I would retain the memories of what it is that I have done wrong to you,
So that way I would know just what to do to keep from losing you once again and prevent you from walking out the door yet once again.
We could relive all the love we shared once again arm in arm and hand in hand.
And you wouldn't have an inkling as to the love I did not reciprocate, the failure of the efforts I did not quite get done or all of the hurt inflicted upon you.
I'd be able to hold you in my arms once again and whisper things I never said that I should have said.
And love you like I never got a chance to do before.
Yeah, I so do wish I was still a stranger in your eyes once more.

But why am I wasting time here missing you and doubting who it is that I am and can be without you.
And wishing such foolish things about wanting to go back and be a stranger in your eyes is idiotic,
Because there isn't any way the things would be any different between you and me,
Even if I was that random stranger once again that you might run into by happenstance.
Therefore, no longer shall I harbor any such nonsensical wishful thinking about the improbable possibilities of things that wouldn't ever come to fruition or be any different than they were between you and me.
Instead, in your absence, I've made up my mind lime gonna be the man that I once was in that photograph of me long ago and not that far away ago.
That way eventually I'll be able to transcend into moksha so that I may achieve blissful nirvana to renew who is that I once was yet again.
Written by ArcanceOdist (Gunney Recon Jack)
Published
Author's Note
The poem simply speaks for itself...
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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