New Safe Place

One step forward, two steps back
it's never enough, there's always something I lack
Give and give until there's nothing left
losing pieces of myself I should have kept
Not recognizing myself is my biggest fear
more falls away and I feel that point is near

The point of no return, leaving only a ghost
my soul lost, a bleeding heart resides within a dead host
Cut off from that which resembles or induces peace
my mind in overdrive, a tornado that will never cease
It feels as if the world is closing in
crushed by my failures and my every sin
I hold myself accountable for all that I've done
my hands shaking and my body screaming RUN!!!
From everyone that I could possibly drag down with me
to spare them the destruction that being friends with me would come to be
Burning my ties, severing bonds
at the flick of your wand
Losing people everywhere I turn
the pain of the lessons I learn

Fading away with every cry
fighting myself, living this lie
Hiding my pain, pretending I'm fine
thrown into this, my sanity starts to decline
Seeing all of you, everywhere, people I've lost
will I ever understand why, this much, life has cost?
Looking upon my own self-destruction
taking advantage of all life's seductions
The distractions keep me sane
that point of ecstasy, I forget my name
Forget who I am, everything I've done
isolating myself, hiding from  the sun
So happy, yet, still filled with sorrow
today may be bad but there's always tomorrow
Losing so many, in different ways
all the relationships that have gone ablaze
The toxicity burned away in a fiery cleanse
washed away, the tide claims friends
Like steel, my walls protect
feeling myself slowly disconnect
The nervous ticks come back as I begin to implode
all my life I thought I've lived on time, borrowed
Never envisioning I'd make it through
surprised at this brand new view

Now that you're gone, I know
they'll carry me through, high and low
The ones I'm important to
with them, I always knew
They're my safety net, without a doubt
catching me when my safe place blacked out
When my demons come out to play
my sanity and soul, they deem their prey
Poking and prodding, there's never any peace
holding me in chains, no sign of release
The voices fill my head
addressing the friendship that bled
One hoping for a speedy repair
the other, left to deal with her nightmare
Gradually, adjusting to life without you
still I wonder if it was true
At times, it's better to be in the dark
unaware, you left an imperfection, a mark
Your absence feels like a gaping hole
my serenity in silence, you stole
The silence, now, completely enraged
my demons arise and war is waged
My mind, a battlefield
the solution, concealed

What was once my blissful solitude
is now filled with miserable servitude
Knowing I'll never not be a slave
to those who hunt me, my blood they crave
Cutting into me, they terrorize
waiting, hoping for my demise
The carnage that rages on
there's nothing left, it's all gone
My brain, my soul, ripped to bits
pieces of who I am, split
My joy, lost and my strength, departed
without them, I'm in territory uncharted
Learning, training, grooming my talents
protecting my mind from becoming unbalanced

Calling on my strengths to wield
no longer hiding behind thy sheild
For myself, I'll fight
and be my own bright light
Defeat thyself and peace will be found
silence the voices and find something profound
Stepping into a new self, taking refuge there
recognizing it was always there, invisible, like air

No longer in a person, my safe place...I hold
ever-changing is this space I can choose to mold

Free, it's not tethered to this existence, this plane
finally, a place, I take responsibility to reign
Written by ThiaTartorum
Author's Note
This is the second poem in a collection about the guy I was involved with early in the year, the first poem was Day by Day. It's over, ended badly and it hurt a lot so we don't talk anymore...after...
This is the second poem in a collection about the guy I was involved with early in the year, the first poem was Day by Day. It's over, ended badly and it hurt a lot so we don't talk anymore...after 12 times we were all we had. Not having him in my life has brought back a lot of anxiety, I'm getting better now but this is where my mind goes when I'm not...reminding me that I lost my safe place. The next one is called My Recovery.
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