deepundergroundpoetry.com
[ SK ] red
From a bucket of warm blood
childhood innocence shed
Wounds flushed clean
with mean adrenaline
SHOCK!
Feeling sick---
End of being Queen
After hush ensues
L A U G H T E R !
igniting her fuse
Toxic
rage spills over her dam-ned self
has her sea-ing only
RED
rushing through her head
RED
crashing wave upon wave
RED
in a maelstrom wishing well
she wills their death without a grave
burning in her hell!
KILLS
everything within radius
without discrimination
or hesitation
Apocalyptic
crushing all
where they stand
in the
SHOCKWAVE
Never even lifting a hand
previous iteration
red
From a bucket of warm blood
childhood innocence shed
The wound flushed clean
with mean adrenaline
SHOCK!
Feeling sick --
End of Homecoming
King and Queen song
And in the hush that ensues
followed shortly by
laughter
the strickened match
ignites her tampon fuse
Toxic
rage spills over her dam-ned self
has her sea-ing only
RED
rushing through her head
RED
crashing wave after wave
RED
in a maelstrom wishing well
she wills their death without a grave
burning in her hell!
KILLS
everything within radius
without discrimination
no hesitation
Never even lifting a hand
Apocalyptic
crushing all
where they stand
sea-ing
the
SHOCKWAVE
of
RED
spread
every which way
Sad she was only
Queen for a day
previous iteration
red
In a warm smear of blood
childhood innocence shed
The wound flushed clean
with mean adrenaline rush
Shock
Feeling sick --
end of life drawing near?
An ensuing hush
followed shortly by
the laughter
Toxic
rage spills over her dam-ned self
has her sea-ing only
RED
rushing through her head
RED
crashing wave after wave
RED
in a maelstrom wishing well;
she wills them dead without a grave
burning in her hell
Kills
everything within radius
without discrimination
no hesitation
Never lifting a hand
Apocalyptic
crushing all
where they stand
sea-ing
RED
spread every which way
in her shockwave
Published 6th Dec 2018
| Edited 27th Oct 2021
Author's Note
inspired by Stephen King's "Carrie"
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 9
reads 730
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Dec 2018 1:37am
You're really honing this series down to an art, Love. I think this might just be your most bone-chilling yet.
I honestly have very few suggestions for you:
In a warm smear of blood
childhood innocence shed
I think if you worked in bucket vs smear it would be more impactful. I know smear plays off the consonance of rm and assonance of a; however, bucket/blood would be stellar alliteration. You could substitute In with From? That would replace the rm consonance AND add to the assonance of o throughout the couplet. I know In plays into innocense. . .but I've read it both ways and prefer From. Anyway, just a thought. ❤
-
The wound flushed clean
with mean adrenaline rush
Do you really need rush, as adrenaline implies increased rates of blood circulation, breathing, and metabolism and preparing muscles for exertion?
I know you're using rush and shed; however, adrenaline is a half-rhyme of clean, and flushed plays into shed just fine.
-
Shock
Feeling sick --
end of life drawing near?
Because you're using punctuation here, I would suggest an exclamation mark after shock, maybe even some italicized text too for emphasis. Shock should stand on it's own.
-
the laughter
Do you REALLY need the? Loved the use of hush in this spaced tercet!
-
sea-ing is brilliant.
Perhaps italicize RED?
in a maelstrom wishing well;
she wills them dead without a grave
burning in her hell
There's something not quite kosher with L2, but I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps 'she wills their death'? I realize them plays off maelstrom; but so does their and death - but in a different way.
-
within/without is excellent.
-
Never lifting a hand
How about considering Not even - or some variation of even, as it would play perfectly into discrimination/hesitation.
-
sea-ing
RED
spread every which way
in her shockwave
Those final two lines could be more powerful, imho. Let's have a think on them. 📝❤
💜💏
I honestly have very few suggestions for you:
In a warm smear of blood
childhood innocence shed
I think if you worked in bucket vs smear it would be more impactful. I know smear plays off the consonance of rm and assonance of a; however, bucket/blood would be stellar alliteration. You could substitute In with From? That would replace the rm consonance AND add to the assonance of o throughout the couplet. I know In plays into innocense. . .but I've read it both ways and prefer From. Anyway, just a thought. ❤
-
The wound flushed clean
with mean adrenaline rush
Do you really need rush, as adrenaline implies increased rates of blood circulation, breathing, and metabolism and preparing muscles for exertion?
I know you're using rush and shed; however, adrenaline is a half-rhyme of clean, and flushed plays into shed just fine.
-
Shock
Feeling sick --
end of life drawing near?
Because you're using punctuation here, I would suggest an exclamation mark after shock, maybe even some italicized text too for emphasis. Shock should stand on it's own.
-
the laughter
Do you REALLY need the? Loved the use of hush in this spaced tercet!
-
sea-ing is brilliant.
Perhaps italicize RED?
in a maelstrom wishing well;
she wills them dead without a grave
burning in her hell
There's something not quite kosher with L2, but I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps 'she wills their death'? I realize them plays off maelstrom; but so does their and death - but in a different way.
-
within/without is excellent.
-
Never lifting a hand
How about considering Not even - or some variation of even, as it would play perfectly into discrimination/hesitation.
-
sea-ing
RED
spread every which way
in her shockwave
Those final two lines could be more powerful, imho. Let's have a think on them. 📝❤
💜💏
You're really honing this series down to an art, Love. I think this might just be your most bone-chilling yet.
I honestly have very few suggestions for you:
In a warm smear of blood
childhood innocence shed
I think if you worked in bucket vs smear it would be more impactful. I know smear plays off the consonance of rm and assonance of a; however, bucket/blood would be stellar alliteration. You could substitute In with From? That would replace the rm consonance AND add to the assonance of o throughout the couplet. I know In plays into innocense. . .but I've read it both ways and prefer From. Anyway, just a thought. ❤
-
====================
I'm glad you think that, Dear. It's only bone chilling to me because its freaking below zero up here in Wisconsin. Otherwise, having written this on lack of sleep, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.
Smear was meant to describe the early shower scene, but bucket is more appropriate as the prank appears towards the end right before the carnage begins.
I'm thinking too that warm needs to complement blood and not smear or bucket.
====================
The wound flushed clean
with mean adrenaline rush
Do you really need rush, as adrenaline implies increased rates of blood circulation, breathing, and metabolism and preparing muscles for exertion?
I know you're using rush and shed; however, adrenaline is a half-rhyme of clean, and flushed plays into shed just fine.
-
=====================
Here I was trying too hard to create flow by also rhyming rush and hush. As you explain, it is redundant. And not necessary because of the half rhyme you pointed out. But, it is also too passive a rhyme, so I agree.
====================
Shock
Feeling sick --
end of life drawing near?
Because you're using punctuation here, I would suggest an exclamation mark after shock, maybe even some italicized text too for emphasis. Shock should stand on it's own.
-
====================
Good call. At some point I balked at capitilzing it.
====================
the laughter
Do you REALLY need the? Loved the use of hush in this spaced tercet!
-
====================
Nope, we don't.
And now that we revising, I have another idea to work in.
====================
sea-ing is brilliant.
Perhaps italicize RED?
====================
Thank you and another good call.
====================
in a maelstrom wishing well;
she wills them dead without a grave
burning in her hell
There's something not quite kosher with L2, but I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps 'she wills their death'? I realize them plays off maelstrom; but so does their and death - but in a different way.
-
====================
It certainly is all kinds of awkward and requires further experimentation - a case of trying to cram in too much alliteration and rhyme.
====================
within/without is excellent.
-
Never lifting a hand
How about considering Not even - or some variation of even, as it would play perfectly into discrimination/hesitation.
-
====================
Nice suggestion. In struggling so much with the previous stanzas, I missed opportunities elsewhere.
====================
sea-ing
RED
spread every which way
in her shockwave
Those final two lines could be more powerful, imho. Let's have a think on them. 📝❤
====================
Yes, it is a very weak ending. The vision was to slow down the momentum and limit reader focus on the shockwave of Carries's rage fanning out. Definitely needs reworking.
====================
💜💏
====================
I'll post before and afters of this poem so everyone can see the evolution from your suggestions. Thank you for the indepth analysis, Sweetie!
💜💏
I honestly have very few suggestions for you:
In a warm smear of blood
childhood innocence shed
I think if you worked in bucket vs smear it would be more impactful. I know smear plays off the consonance of rm and assonance of a; however, bucket/blood would be stellar alliteration. You could substitute In with From? That would replace the rm consonance AND add to the assonance of o throughout the couplet. I know In plays into innocense. . .but I've read it both ways and prefer From. Anyway, just a thought. ❤
-
====================
I'm glad you think that, Dear. It's only bone chilling to me because its freaking below zero up here in Wisconsin. Otherwise, having written this on lack of sleep, I'm not entirely sure what to make of it.
Smear was meant to describe the early shower scene, but bucket is more appropriate as the prank appears towards the end right before the carnage begins.
I'm thinking too that warm needs to complement blood and not smear or bucket.
====================
The wound flushed clean
with mean adrenaline rush
Do you really need rush, as adrenaline implies increased rates of blood circulation, breathing, and metabolism and preparing muscles for exertion?
I know you're using rush and shed; however, adrenaline is a half-rhyme of clean, and flushed plays into shed just fine.
-
=====================
Here I was trying too hard to create flow by also rhyming rush and hush. As you explain, it is redundant. And not necessary because of the half rhyme you pointed out. But, it is also too passive a rhyme, so I agree.
====================
Shock
Feeling sick --
end of life drawing near?
Because you're using punctuation here, I would suggest an exclamation mark after shock, maybe even some italicized text too for emphasis. Shock should stand on it's own.
-
====================
Good call. At some point I balked at capitilzing it.
====================
the laughter
Do you REALLY need the? Loved the use of hush in this spaced tercet!
-
====================
Nope, we don't.
And now that we revising, I have another idea to work in.
====================
sea-ing is brilliant.
Perhaps italicize RED?
====================
Thank you and another good call.
====================
in a maelstrom wishing well;
she wills them dead without a grave
burning in her hell
There's something not quite kosher with L2, but I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps 'she wills their death'? I realize them plays off maelstrom; but so does their and death - but in a different way.
-
====================
It certainly is all kinds of awkward and requires further experimentation - a case of trying to cram in too much alliteration and rhyme.
====================
within/without is excellent.
-
Never lifting a hand
How about considering Not even - or some variation of even, as it would play perfectly into discrimination/hesitation.
-
====================
Nice suggestion. In struggling so much with the previous stanzas, I missed opportunities elsewhere.
====================
sea-ing
RED
spread every which way
in her shockwave
Those final two lines could be more powerful, imho. Let's have a think on them. 📝❤
====================
Yes, it is a very weak ending. The vision was to slow down the momentum and limit reader focus on the shockwave of Carries's rage fanning out. Definitely needs reworking.
====================
💜💏
====================
I'll post before and afters of this poem so everyone can see the evolution from your suggestions. Thank you for the indepth analysis, Sweetie!
💜💏
8th Dec 2018 1:38am
You're welcome, Sweetheart. 💜💏😊
I really like what you're doing.
Lets have a closer looksee. 📝❤
-
End of Homecoming
King and Queen song
I honestly don't feel you need song here.
-
And in the hush that ensues
followed shortly by
laughter
I feel L1 has too many words.
Conjunction, preposition, determinor, and pronoun are too many potatoes and not enough meat. Why not something like
In the ensuing hush . . .
[ space ]
laughter! ( or maybe italicize it)
-
the strickened match
ignites her tampon fuse
?????? ( Just no?! )
-
Toxic
rage spills over her dam-ned self
has her sea-ing only
RED
rushing through her head
RED
crashing wave after wave
RED
in a maelstrom wishing well
she wills their death without a grave
burning in her hell!
EXCELLENT! Great emphasis italicized ( even if it doesn't show here ).
-
KILLS
everything within radius
without discrimination
no hesitation
YES! Perfect!
-
Never even lifting a hand
Apocalyptic
crushing all
where they stand
sea-ing
the
SHOCKWAVE
of
RED
spread
every which way
Sad she was only
Queen for a day
The final couplet is still weak in my opinion. I don't think she was sad but enraged. I'm thinking. . .
Excellent revisions! Well, except that one part!
📝💜
I really like what you're doing.
Lets have a closer looksee. 📝❤
-
End of Homecoming
King and Queen song
I honestly don't feel you need song here.
-
And in the hush that ensues
followed shortly by
laughter
I feel L1 has too many words.
Conjunction, preposition, determinor, and pronoun are too many potatoes and not enough meat. Why not something like
In the ensuing hush . . .
[ space ]
laughter! ( or maybe italicize it)
-
the strickened match
ignites her tampon fuse
?????? ( Just no?! )
-
Toxic
rage spills over her dam-ned self
has her sea-ing only
RED
rushing through her head
RED
crashing wave after wave
RED
in a maelstrom wishing well
she wills their death without a grave
burning in her hell!
EXCELLENT! Great emphasis italicized ( even if it doesn't show here ).
-
KILLS
everything within radius
without discrimination
no hesitation
YES! Perfect!
-
Never even lifting a hand
Apocalyptic
crushing all
where they stand
sea-ing
the
SHOCKWAVE
of
RED
spread
every which way
Sad she was only
Queen for a day
The final couplet is still weak in my opinion. I don't think she was sad but enraged. I'm thinking. . .
Excellent revisions! Well, except that one part!
📝💜
Thank you again, Darling. ❤ Your commitment to keeping the bar raised on this series is commendable. 📝
LMAO! As for the one line you objected to, sometimes things sound brilliant until you remove them from your head and put them on display for the whole world to judge. And that's a first In almost 2 years we've known each other, which I take as a great compliment, given no one can honestly and comprehensively critique like you. Says I'm on the right track.
I'll play around with the ending some more and post a 3rd iteration shortly with your aforementioned suggestions. 📝❤
I trimmed out most of the Homecoming lines after removing song, so now queen has more play with "mean" earlier.
I feel part of the weakness in the ending is that I'm unnecessarily dragging out the scene too long, so I'm opting to rearrange and pare it down.
💜💏
LMAO! As for the one line you objected to, sometimes things sound brilliant until you remove them from your head and put them on display for the whole world to judge. And that's a first In almost 2 years we've known each other, which I take as a great compliment, given no one can honestly and comprehensively critique like you. Says I'm on the right track.
I'll play around with the ending some more and post a 3rd iteration shortly with your aforementioned suggestions. 📝❤
I trimmed out most of the Homecoming lines after removing song, so now queen has more play with "mean" earlier.
I feel part of the weakness in the ending is that I'm unnecessarily dragging out the scene too long, so I'm opting to rearrange and pare it down.
💜💏
8th Dec 2018 12:37pm
8th Dec 2018 12:39pm
8th Dec 2018 12:44pm
what's funny is i thought the iterations were intentionally a part of it and they were shown to be conceptually parallel to the shockwave effect, a diminishing of the poem.
I see now it's not intentional from the comments but it kinda worked that way (and the only place my eye snagged at was the tampon fuse part... so.. glad you took it out as per Ahavti's suggestion :-P)
I see now it's not intentional from the comments but it kinda worked that way (and the only place my eye snagged at was the tampon fuse part... so.. glad you took it out as per Ahavti's suggestion :-P)
27th Dec 2018 11:39am
Thank you for the interesting feedback, Yelluw.
The Rule of Three - if at least three people say something in your poem is a bad idea, you should most definitely remove it.
I'm sure I'll hear from more than three.
The Rule of Three - if at least three people say something in your poem is a bad idea, you should most definitely remove it.
I'm sure I'll hear from more than three.
