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[ SK ] r e p e t i t i o n
Storms never last
unlike a slow broiled
sweat basted skin
in Hell's Kitchen where
r e p e t i t i o n
is the original recipe
always in season
for less than charitable
acts and transgressions
against fellow man
even a frail old women
abandoned in a sketchy
nursing home --- it's pantry
overrun by vermin beasts
in veritable feasts;
mother so looking forward
to your seat at the table;
her salival glands gleefully
gearing up to gorge those
wild Irish eyes of yours
right out of their sockets
over and over again for
Eternity
Though I suggest them being
Southern fried;
a more appetizing cuisine
and culturally appropriate
for the locale you will be
calling home during your
"retirement",
Robbie Beals
Published 5th Dec 2018
| Edited 27th Oct 2021
Author's Note
inspired by Stephen King's miniseries "Storm Of The Century"
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 5
reads 591
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
5th Dec 2018 7:18pm
Ohhhh nice! I'm happy to see this series resume between classic contributions! I'll have to dig into it tonight!
5th Dec 2018 8:31pm
Storms never last
unlike ( a ) slow broil of
sweat(-)basted skin
in Hell's Kitchen where
r e p e t i t i o n
is the original recipe
always in season
for less than charitable
acts and transgressions
against fellow man
You're beginning to nail these! The only two suggestions I can think of are the italicized above, which merely eliminate one 'the' and hyphenate sweat-basted, because I think it sounds better.
-
( or ) even a frail old women
abandoned in a sketchy
nursing home, ( its ) pantry
overrun by vermin beasts
in veritable feasts;
Do you really need or? I suggest substituting it for with, as the consonance of t picks up much better than th.
-
mother so looking forward
to your seat at the table;
her salival glands gleefully
gearing up to gorge those
wild Irish eyes of yours
right out of their sockets
The consonance of the s and alliteration of g sings in this stanza. I honestly can suggest no improvements!
-
over and over again for
Eternity
Love how you carried the assonance of o and e into this couplet.
-
Though I suggest them being
Southern fried;
Same thing here. These two couplets drip in rhythm.
-
a more appetizing cuisine
and culturally appropriate
for the locale you will be
calling home during your
"retirement",
Robbie Beals
Wow. When you play you play, don't you?! The assonance of a, the consonant alliteration of p and c is fantastic! And that ending is chilling to say the least.
You've taken few words to sum up a grisley situation perfectly.
So glad to see more on this series!
📝❤
💜💏
unlike ( a ) slow broil of
sweat(-)basted skin
in Hell's Kitchen where
r e p e t i t i o n
is the original recipe
always in season
for less than charitable
acts and transgressions
against fellow man
You're beginning to nail these! The only two suggestions I can think of are the italicized above, which merely eliminate one 'the' and hyphenate sweat-basted, because I think it sounds better.
-
( or ) even a frail old women
abandoned in a sketchy
nursing home, ( its ) pantry
overrun by vermin beasts
in veritable feasts;
Do you really need or? I suggest substituting it for with, as the consonance of t picks up much better than th.
-
mother so looking forward
to your seat at the table;
her salival glands gleefully
gearing up to gorge those
wild Irish eyes of yours
right out of their sockets
The consonance of the s and alliteration of g sings in this stanza. I honestly can suggest no improvements!
-
over and over again for
Eternity
Love how you carried the assonance of o and e into this couplet.
-
Though I suggest them being
Southern fried;
Same thing here. These two couplets drip in rhythm.
-
a more appetizing cuisine
and culturally appropriate
for the locale you will be
calling home during your
"retirement",
Robbie Beals
Wow. When you play you play, don't you?! The assonance of a, the consonant alliteration of p and c is fantastic! And that ending is chilling to say the least.
You've taken few words to sum up a grisley situation perfectly.
So glad to see more on this series!
📝❤
💜💏
6th Dec 2018 1:05am
I had to wrestle this one away from Psy; he was hungry to take credit for the dining references. 🍴🍗👀
All of your suggestions are excellent and you miss nothing, seeing more than I'm even aware of.
Though I am thinking a dash perhaps might be more suitable than a comma ...? I only say this because the space between stanzas would revert to a comma of sorts when removing "or".
......
or less than charitable
acts and transgressions
against fellow man
even a frail old women
abandoned in a sketchy
nursing home - its pantry
overrun by vermin beasts
in veritable feasts;
I deeply appreciate the time you invested in tuning this up to be on par with the others you've already critiqued. It means more to me than you'll ever know. 📝❤
💏💜
All of your suggestions are excellent and you miss nothing, seeing more than I'm even aware of.
Though I am thinking a dash perhaps might be more suitable than a comma ...? I only say this because the space between stanzas would revert to a comma of sorts when removing "or".
......
or less than charitable
acts and transgressions
against fellow man
even a frail old women
abandoned in a sketchy
nursing home - its pantry
overrun by vermin beasts
in veritable feasts;
I deeply appreciate the time you invested in tuning this up to be on par with the others you've already critiqued. It means more to me than you'll ever know. 📝❤
💏💜
6th Dec 2018 2:01am
