deepundergroundpoetry.com
Intricate Mind-bending Insights into The Psyche of The Depressive Human Condition
Hypothetically, I wonder, what if I were to die today?
Not because I had given up and gave into the other side and took myself out of this world -
But because it was my time and my maker had called me home.
So yes, I asked the curious quandary;
What if I were to die today, upon this very hour of this exact minute?
And what if I never got to say my final words of last will and testament?
Who would ever know that I had shed my mortal coils?
Would there in be anybody at all in actuality that would in all sincerity mourn my early departure?
Or perhaps there'd be some who wind up somberly celebrating my passing?
Also, it's entirely possible that those whom I've known or knew would just continue going about their everyday lives caring nonetheless either one way or the other if I were no longer among the living -
It's also very likely that many won't have any inkling that I've even left this mortal plane of existence...
And I can almost say for certainty that in the moment of my passing there'd be three thoughts that would be crossing my mind;
The first a jovial thought of; I’m passing on with the hopes that the ones who knew me the best would mourn the loss of such an endearing staunchest friend or intricate strong-willed ex -
The second thought would be a disturbing thought about if the ones who loathed me might consider finding my final resting place and desecrating and disturbing it -
The last surreal realization that would run through my mind is on whether or not the ones who know me best would remember me for 15 minutes of fame or would they let my legacy live in infamy forevermore, or would they forget about me in the mere instance like the ones who detested me?
Another curious notion I’d be wondering is, would the ones who knew me best be reading a humble eulogy at my funeral -
Or would they be like the ones who abhorred me and only say good riddance to such a deplorable being?
Also, I wonder if any of all who pass by my casket might actually stop and stare down at my lifeless, cold and stiff body lying there in that coffin and notice the rather uncanny expression upon my face -
Wonder whether or not that whatever my last thoughts were such an unnatural somber expression that it wound up being permanently etched into my face -
And maybe there be a handful of people that stop dead in their tracks because they suddenly feel a creepily chilling emptiness emanating from within my casket...
And, if I were to die today, I ’d leave this world knowing that at last, all of this god awful unrelenting unyielding anguish that I had been plagued and overwhelmed with my entire life would finally subside -
So, if today was my last day, and these were my final moments before I shed my mortal coils –
I’ll know in my final breath that I had lived a full life –
That many were envious of and even more were skeptical of -
Yet, I'll also wind up taking my unknown knotty questions to my grave which are:
Was anybody ever aware that I felt so miserable on a daily basis, felt so estranged from everyone, had been consumed by the darkness, or that I felt more alone than most ever were?
And did anybody actually care whatsoever that I was constantly tortured by so much anguish, and did anybody know how much I so despised my existence?
However, I know, that today wouldn’t be my last day on this wretched Earth cause there’s no way in hell I’d get or be that lucky -
Because it seems as though I am cursed with immorality –
Or maybe it’s that the fact that I’ve already died long ago and this life I’m forced to live out is my endless unforgiving purgatory –
But regrettably, I am unable to differentiate between the two likely possible subterfuge realities…
And as a result of this discombobulation, I feel as though I cannot breathe a single breath -
Also, the weight of my burdens bears heavily down on my chest, making me feel as though I am being asphyxiated -
And I constantly feel and know is sadness, loss, sorrow, misery, and pain -
So it seems that if I were to continue living on is the foreshadowing of my remaining days would more than likely be endlessly lousy with, dashed hopes, despair, forlornness, sadness, rejection, faithlessness, and singleness -
Ergo each and every god damn forsaken day my heart breaks a little more -
My body continually aches to the point where it's almost enjoyably unbearable to me -
And my mind is constantly being eroded away by the demons whispering seeds of doubt and negativity into my conscious -
So much in fact that whenever I'm amongst fellow camaraderie, I think that everybody is just patronizing me -
Nd in the aftermath of such fellowship the foolish feelings of abandonment, or of being forgotten or left behind overwhelm me -
All because of the contrary ideas that were planted in my head, of not being important enough and that I'm nothing more than a convenient friend to them -
Then abruptly from out of nowhere all of my mistakes come rising up from out of nowhere to remind me of the disappointment I've been to society -
It is then that my insecurities chime in to remind me that I am insignificant and irrelevant to everyone including myself nobody wants such a broken thing like me…
This is why I go about my daily life like a clown masquerading around as though I am pleased -
But at the end of the day when I'm alone, my demons take off my mask and reveal who I am actually -
And they do not judge me, ridicule me, or try to change who it is that I am -
Instead, they accept me and embrace me in the welcoming cold darkness, the place where I am the most comfortable and feel welcomed...
These surly spiteful thoughts that plague me are why I posed the hypothetical inquiry;
What if I were to die today?
Wondering whether or not would my death really matter at all?
But the truthful answer is a double-edged sword -
Because on one side of the blade it is apparently obvious that if I were to die today, all of my suffering, turmoil, anguish, and misery would subside and come to an end -
But on the other side of the blade, it is also kind of understood that if I were to continue living, there’s a possibility that I might accomplish, and I might succeed over these insufferable intolerable painful trials and tribulations that I am currently battling…
So here lies the perplexing quandary;
To die or not to die, to live or not to live?
True is it not that some part of us actually dies if we somehow aren’t able life to our fullest potential?
Or is not truer that if we live our entire life’s only focusing on striving to reach our fullest potential that we eventually find ourselves being forced into an early grave?
I mean, in all honesty, who in the hell actually knows the actual answers to one of life’s biggest mind-bogglers?
Truth be told not very many folks know the answer to the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question -
Because the sad realism is that there are far too many people who are so terrified of dying that they wind up not truly living up to their fullest potential…
However, that is not who I am or will be -
Because so far, I’ve lived each and every single day of my life
as though it was my last -
Also, I did not waste a single minute of any hour ever foolishly worrying about the little things I knew I couldn't control -
I always did my best to embrace the good, the bad, the ugly and the unbearable memorable adversities that came with each new day -
And in doing so I have and had lived life knowing what true happiness, hopefulness, and love was to the fullest extent -
But also, I experienced unforeseen sadness, heartache, sorrow, struggle, and suffrage in my lifetime too –
But I welcome both aspects into my life so that I would know how to be stronger in my weakest hours -
That way, whenever it would be my time to die, I wouldn’t be afraid of death, like so many others might be -
Also, I wouldn’t dare question the life that I've lived, nor would I beg for more time from the reaper -
Unlike those who fear their demise and plead for more time while questioning their life choices…
No, that will be me –
Instead, in my final moments I’ll be singing the Marine Corps hymn as my death song because I’d be another leatherneck, Jarhead, Devildog whose more than ready to regroup in hell with other fallen comrade’s and afterwards I’ll be more than willing to meet my maker, so I can take my post at the pearly gates or perhaps the gates of hell -
Just as so many Marines, have done before this Ole Salty Marine has yet to do –
But until that inevitable fateful day, I’ll continue to hold my own in the face of unknown adversity by always remaining vigilant and I’ll do this by staying frosty, keeping my head on a swivel, protecting my own six and being both Semper Gumby nd Semper Fidelis…
Not because I had given up and gave into the other side and took myself out of this world -
But because it was my time and my maker had called me home.
So yes, I asked the curious quandary;
What if I were to die today, upon this very hour of this exact minute?
And what if I never got to say my final words of last will and testament?
Who would ever know that I had shed my mortal coils?
Would there in be anybody at all in actuality that would in all sincerity mourn my early departure?
Or perhaps there'd be some who wind up somberly celebrating my passing?
Also, it's entirely possible that those whom I've known or knew would just continue going about their everyday lives caring nonetheless either one way or the other if I were no longer among the living -
It's also very likely that many won't have any inkling that I've even left this mortal plane of existence...
And I can almost say for certainty that in the moment of my passing there'd be three thoughts that would be crossing my mind;
The first a jovial thought of; I’m passing on with the hopes that the ones who knew me the best would mourn the loss of such an endearing staunchest friend or intricate strong-willed ex -
The second thought would be a disturbing thought about if the ones who loathed me might consider finding my final resting place and desecrating and disturbing it -
The last surreal realization that would run through my mind is on whether or not the ones who know me best would remember me for 15 minutes of fame or would they let my legacy live in infamy forevermore, or would they forget about me in the mere instance like the ones who detested me?
Another curious notion I’d be wondering is, would the ones who knew me best be reading a humble eulogy at my funeral -
Or would they be like the ones who abhorred me and only say good riddance to such a deplorable being?
Also, I wonder if any of all who pass by my casket might actually stop and stare down at my lifeless, cold and stiff body lying there in that coffin and notice the rather uncanny expression upon my face -
Wonder whether or not that whatever my last thoughts were such an unnatural somber expression that it wound up being permanently etched into my face -
And maybe there be a handful of people that stop dead in their tracks because they suddenly feel a creepily chilling emptiness emanating from within my casket...
And, if I were to die today, I ’d leave this world knowing that at last, all of this god awful unrelenting unyielding anguish that I had been plagued and overwhelmed with my entire life would finally subside -
So, if today was my last day, and these were my final moments before I shed my mortal coils –
I’ll know in my final breath that I had lived a full life –
That many were envious of and even more were skeptical of -
Yet, I'll also wind up taking my unknown knotty questions to my grave which are:
Was anybody ever aware that I felt so miserable on a daily basis, felt so estranged from everyone, had been consumed by the darkness, or that I felt more alone than most ever were?
And did anybody actually care whatsoever that I was constantly tortured by so much anguish, and did anybody know how much I so despised my existence?
However, I know, that today wouldn’t be my last day on this wretched Earth cause there’s no way in hell I’d get or be that lucky -
Because it seems as though I am cursed with immorality –
Or maybe it’s that the fact that I’ve already died long ago and this life I’m forced to live out is my endless unforgiving purgatory –
But regrettably, I am unable to differentiate between the two likely possible subterfuge realities…
And as a result of this discombobulation, I feel as though I cannot breathe a single breath -
Also, the weight of my burdens bears heavily down on my chest, making me feel as though I am being asphyxiated -
And I constantly feel and know is sadness, loss, sorrow, misery, and pain -
So it seems that if I were to continue living on is the foreshadowing of my remaining days would more than likely be endlessly lousy with, dashed hopes, despair, forlornness, sadness, rejection, faithlessness, and singleness -
Ergo each and every god damn forsaken day my heart breaks a little more -
My body continually aches to the point where it's almost enjoyably unbearable to me -
And my mind is constantly being eroded away by the demons whispering seeds of doubt and negativity into my conscious -
So much in fact that whenever I'm amongst fellow camaraderie, I think that everybody is just patronizing me -
Nd in the aftermath of such fellowship the foolish feelings of abandonment, or of being forgotten or left behind overwhelm me -
All because of the contrary ideas that were planted in my head, of not being important enough and that I'm nothing more than a convenient friend to them -
Then abruptly from out of nowhere all of my mistakes come rising up from out of nowhere to remind me of the disappointment I've been to society -
It is then that my insecurities chime in to remind me that I am insignificant and irrelevant to everyone including myself nobody wants such a broken thing like me…
This is why I go about my daily life like a clown masquerading around as though I am pleased -
But at the end of the day when I'm alone, my demons take off my mask and reveal who I am actually -
And they do not judge me, ridicule me, or try to change who it is that I am -
Instead, they accept me and embrace me in the welcoming cold darkness, the place where I am the most comfortable and feel welcomed...
These surly spiteful thoughts that plague me are why I posed the hypothetical inquiry;
What if I were to die today?
Wondering whether or not would my death really matter at all?
But the truthful answer is a double-edged sword -
Because on one side of the blade it is apparently obvious that if I were to die today, all of my suffering, turmoil, anguish, and misery would subside and come to an end -
But on the other side of the blade, it is also kind of understood that if I were to continue living, there’s a possibility that I might accomplish, and I might succeed over these insufferable intolerable painful trials and tribulations that I am currently battling…
So here lies the perplexing quandary;
To die or not to die, to live or not to live?
True is it not that some part of us actually dies if we somehow aren’t able life to our fullest potential?
Or is not truer that if we live our entire life’s only focusing on striving to reach our fullest potential that we eventually find ourselves being forced into an early grave?
I mean, in all honesty, who in the hell actually knows the actual answers to one of life’s biggest mind-bogglers?
Truth be told not very many folks know the answer to the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question -
Because the sad realism is that there are far too many people who are so terrified of dying that they wind up not truly living up to their fullest potential…
However, that is not who I am or will be -
Because so far, I’ve lived each and every single day of my life
as though it was my last -
Also, I did not waste a single minute of any hour ever foolishly worrying about the little things I knew I couldn't control -
I always did my best to embrace the good, the bad, the ugly and the unbearable memorable adversities that came with each new day -
And in doing so I have and had lived life knowing what true happiness, hopefulness, and love was to the fullest extent -
But also, I experienced unforeseen sadness, heartache, sorrow, struggle, and suffrage in my lifetime too –
But I welcome both aspects into my life so that I would know how to be stronger in my weakest hours -
That way, whenever it would be my time to die, I wouldn’t be afraid of death, like so many others might be -
Also, I wouldn’t dare question the life that I've lived, nor would I beg for more time from the reaper -
Unlike those who fear their demise and plead for more time while questioning their life choices…
No, that will be me –
Instead, in my final moments I’ll be singing the Marine Corps hymn as my death song because I’d be another leatherneck, Jarhead, Devildog whose more than ready to regroup in hell with other fallen comrade’s and afterwards I’ll be more than willing to meet my maker, so I can take my post at the pearly gates or perhaps the gates of hell -
Just as so many Marines, have done before this Ole Salty Marine has yet to do –
But until that inevitable fateful day, I’ll continue to hold my own in the face of unknown adversity by always remaining vigilant and I’ll do this by staying frosty, keeping my head on a swivel, protecting my own six and being both Semper Gumby nd Semper Fidelis…
Published 28th Nov 2018
Author's Note
This is a compare and contrast allegory poem with deep tides to depression and suicide.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Anonymous
28th Nov 2018 11:33pm
It’s interesting these little thoughts that enter our brain. I actually have obsessive compulsive disorder so my brain literally never shuts up for 5 minutes and is full of thoughts such as these.
I think part of the human condition is to wonder. It keeps things interesting.
Thank you for sharing.
-M
I think part of the human condition is to wonder. It keeps things interesting.
Thank you for sharing.
-M
