We Were Only Human
Today marks the 1 year anniversary of leaving you, and so much has changed in my life for the better.
I was recently reading through some old emails that you sent me after I left you, and felt it was time to finally respond.
I was bitter and angry when I left you, from the years of narcissistic abuse you put me through. I hated you.
Looking back at your messages now, I realize that you were making genuine last attempts to hold onto our marriage, but what you didnít realize was that you had lost me many years before.
Neither of us were ready for a relationship when we first started 9 years ago. I suppose it was out of the desperation to be loved, lack of self-confidence, and lack of wisdom, that I decided to stay with you.
I thought then that a life with you would give me purpose. We shared some big dreams together, that never came close to fruition.
Even though many people have told me that narcissists know what theyíre doing when they manipulate and abuse, itís still hard for me to believe this about you. I guess I would rather believe that you never meant to be that way, and were simply blind to the ways in which you treated me.
I certainly wasnít perfect, but regardless of your reasons, I still didnít deserve to be abused.
I am sorry for any abuse that I retaliated against you with, for it was also not deserved.
You occasionally make an appearance in my dreams, controlling me and suppressing me. I try to yell but my voice is stifled, and it feels like I canít escape.
It is a reminder of what I no longer have to live with, because I finally chose to value and love myself by leaving you.
Yet my emotions toward you are still conflicting. I gave my heart to you, and sometimes Iíve felt like I missed you.
But then I remember all the name-calling, you screaming at me, acts of violence, the demands, manipulation, threats, your lack of self-responsibility...
And I know now, that we never shared real love; it was only the blind ebb and sway of codependency.
May you find the wisdom you need in order to grow, as I have done so, and hold no hatred towards you.
I forgive you.