deepundergroundpoetry.com
How do you...
How did you
Do what you did
Place my heart in your hands
Let go of your grasp
And let it fall to the floor
How do you
Do what you do
Without me in your plans
Without the one you needed
But failed to be-friend
Where did you go
When you should've been here all along
Gone from my dreams
And still in my arms
Why did you leave
When it was me that you wanted
You don't need what I got
You don't love me no more
Do what you did
Place my heart in your hands
Let go of your grasp
And let it fall to the floor
How do you
Do what you do
Without me in your plans
Without the one you needed
But failed to be-friend
Where did you go
When you should've been here all along
Gone from my dreams
And still in my arms
Why did you leave
When it was me that you wanted
You don't need what I got
You don't love me no more
Published 4th Nov 2011
| Edited 12th Mar 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 1
comments 9
reads 954
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Nov 2011 1:10pm
4th Nov 2011 8:41pm
22nd Dec 2011 5:05pm
23rd Dec 2011 10:02pm
2nd Mar 2012 4:04pm
Truly I am nobody special to critisize. I've always believed that what ever you feel leads you to what you ve wrote then it's beautiful.
12th Mar 2012 7:41pm
Upon reading, the internal struggle is apparent to the reader, but it seems unapparent to the speaker. Being that the speaker "needed" the subject more than he/she needed the speaker (I hate that phrase, it's what my ex said to me).
I think you could benefit from adherence to some grammatical rules (punctuation at the end of lines or where it's necessary to avoid confusion) and some structural fixes, to make the piece more coherent. Structurally, I would recommend making lines 1-5 a stanza, 6-10 stanza two, 11-14 stanza 3, and the last 4 lines could be split into two couplets or the first two could go to stanza 3 and the last two could be on their own. The reason being because, a poem structured without stanzas usually carries through one whole idea, where as you change tenses and questions relating to the subject.
Lines 3-5 bother me. It could be fixed by just omitting line 2, but that wouldn't fit the scheme you have going on throughout (try reading it aloud with and without line 2). The way it is now line 3 definitely feels wrongly worded as far as tense goes. Line 5 isn't exactly wrong, but saying "let" twice creates a sense of premature termination in the action that's occurring in the chain of events through the three lines. That can be fixed by removing the second "let." ?He already let go of his hands, so we know he's also letting it fall to the floor.
The last two lines have a dialect change that may not be wrong, but I don't think that I like. (although I do like blue eyes as well haha)
I think you could benefit from adherence to some grammatical rules (punctuation at the end of lines or where it's necessary to avoid confusion) and some structural fixes, to make the piece more coherent. Structurally, I would recommend making lines 1-5 a stanza, 6-10 stanza two, 11-14 stanza 3, and the last 4 lines could be split into two couplets or the first two could go to stanza 3 and the last two could be on their own. The reason being because, a poem structured without stanzas usually carries through one whole idea, where as you change tenses and questions relating to the subject.
Lines 3-5 bother me. It could be fixed by just omitting line 2, but that wouldn't fit the scheme you have going on throughout (try reading it aloud with and without line 2). The way it is now line 3 definitely feels wrongly worded as far as tense goes. Line 5 isn't exactly wrong, but saying "let" twice creates a sense of premature termination in the action that's occurring in the chain of events through the three lines. That can be fixed by removing the second "let." ?He already let go of his hands, so we know he's also letting it fall to the floor.
The last two lines have a dialect change that may not be wrong, but I don't think that I like. (although I do like blue eyes as well haha)
12th Mar 2012 7:35pm
10th Mar 2019 1:36am
