The Day I Got Clean

** Yes this is a mean parody of a person I know about the day she claims to have become sober, yes its childish, no its not true and no I dont care if she reads it************************************

I dont remember the exact day, because really what does it matter?
The day is everyday, the date again is every day.

On this day, I once again woke up with a 1/2 full bottle of whiskey
up my woo-hoo (the polite term for my vagina). I discovered this
as I tried to force myself awake, trying to roll over onto my back only to find im still in the posistion I passed out in, the old ass up heads down on all 4's with a 1/2 full bottle of whiskey in my woo hoo. As I wake up slowely it becomes more and more impairative that I moved because the posistion im in forces my face
into a congealing pile of vomit next to my face on the floor, god I hope its mine this time!...
So I finaly roll over onto my back while trying to remove the
whiskey bottle but amazingly it just pops right out and well lets be honest, theres not much tread to the tires any more or to be
more precise its like throwing a hotdog down a subway tunnel lately.
But as I was saying, the bottle falls right out and thank god it didnt spill. I look around and everyone else is still asleep so I
raise the bottle to my cracked parched lips and the smell hit me.
Im not sure how to describe the smell, as close as I can come is that of a can of opened tuna thats been wrapped in plastic and laid out in the sun for a week. I know Im disgusting but If im going to tell my story I have to tell the good with the bad.
So the smell hits me and I almost couldnt drink, ALMOST. But after that 1st swallow it was like instant clarity. So I gulp down another stinky drink and belch loudly waking the sleeping shemale laying next to me.
All I could think is why me, why do I always end up drunk passed out with a whiskey bottle in my woo hoo and a shemale laying beside me? Well then the answer came to me, its because Im a stupid drunk whore who loves shemales and evidently Im OK with that.
As I sit there next to the pool of vomit that Ive decided is not mine, really who eats peanuts anymore? The smell hits me again and I decide that I have to do something about the stench coming from my snatch and filling up the room making hard for me to drink, hard but not impossible. After a couple more swigs of the whiskey I think well maybe I dont smell that bad and nope I was wrong, I do.
After coughing up what looks like my left lung and spitting it into the vomit pool I decided to get dressed and stumble to the Dollar Store for a cheap (just like me) douche. Finaly Im awake enough to form a plan. I reach for my acide washed demin minni skirt and go through my pockets. Well shit no money, I must have gotton rolled again at the local bar again. But I cant ignore the smell so I decide all I can do is make a home made douche, but after I take a few more drinks.
So finaly I lift my leg, and fart loudly...Yikes....and grab my crotchless panties, omg Im certain that when I put them on about a week ago they had a crotch in them, or they are not my panties (again)...Note to self: maybe a good idea to shave the old snatch again dont want those little critters again!.
So I pull on the panties that may or may not be mine and wiggle into my sexy acid washed denim minni skirt and stumble over a 1/2 full beer can, welllllll my my my the gods must be smiling on me today! its not to warm and only a few cigarette buts in it! As I bring the can to my lips I think, holy hell is that Menthol I smell? there must truely be a god...IT IS MENTHOL!!!!
I drain the beer can and go to set it down, no doiley I see but oh well who cares in a crack house, I know right?
I walk into the kitched to find something I can use for a douche. I find a box of not to stale baking powder. Now all I need is water..I tun on the faucet and no water...well shit!. I look to my right and there on the counter is a almost empty vinegar bottle with just enough in it.
So my plan is almost complete, now all I need is something to force the douche mixture inside my woohoo. I begin opening drawers in the kitchen and nothing in the 1st one but in the 2nd drawer there is an old turkey baster, cuz thats not weird or anything in a crack house? Beggars cant be choosers I guess.
So as I am standing there I remember the beer can you know the one with the menthol cig butts. But then I remember its all gone but i did dry out the butts...im a clever girl! But the smell is getting really bad and OMG are those flies congealing on my crotch and then dropping to the floor?
I begin looking for a private place to start douching and there isnt one, my pimp sleeps in the bathroom. He says he cant smell me in there with the window open and a fan going. You know some times I dont think he is such a nice guy, but then again he did take me in off the street and took me to the free clinic and got all 3 of my STD's cleared up so maybe I shouldnt be so hard on him.
So Im looking around and decide here on the floor in the kitchen will have to do. I scrape off a semi clean area and lay down on my back on the floor and begin daydreaming and start to remember something about vinegar and baking soda from science class back in highschool...i struggle to remember and nope it wont come so it cant be all that important right? I light up one of the not to soggy MENTHOL butts and draw the vingear and baking soda into the old turkey baster, no time like the present I slide in the baster and squeeze the end and not supprisingly I dont feel the liquid come out, so I take the baster out and its empty so it must have went in. At 1st I dont feel anything (reference the subway hot dog thing). I look to my right and observe the sunlight bouncing off the either sleeping or dead hooker and her great shoes...I would love to have a pair like that...if shes dead big score they are mine..but then I think to myself, I would have to file down my toe nails to fit into those shoes and its best not to plan too much for one day. And this is the point when I start to feel something..at first its all bubbly and tingly...and then it starts to sting like hell..CRAP I hope its not ANOTHER herpes sore...So I look between my legs and at first im not sure what I'm seeing..its like pea soup only thicker and coming out of my snatch. As the foaming and the pea green stuff increases I become so confused and scared, what do I do? Thats when I begin to hear the bubbling sound like a low rumble in the distance and all of a sudden a mass of foam and liquid comes shooting out my woo hoo!
WELL let me tell you...It scared me so bad and Im ebarassed to say this, but I SHARTED. So now Im laying in a puddle of douche and shit. If it were just a little shit I wouldnt have worried, after all most of my clients tell me Sweet Jeebus Janus a healthy shit would smell better than you!
But it was like a scene from the exorcist the green foam keeps coming out no more like shooting out my woohoo and now the low rumble that promises more shit begins and with that Diarreha comes shooting out my ass at like 100 MPH. Even before I could scream IN COMMING Ive sprayed not only the wall on the other side of the room but on theose killer shoes that belong to the may or maybe not dead hooker. The break I got was wearing my crotchless panties, well they may not be mine...maybe they belong to the shemale who at the sound and smell of my SHART that sounded like a hairlip playing a trumpet is now coming awake.
In retrospect this may have been an ill formed plan, but onward and upward I always say. So now Im finaly done shitting and the pea soup has stopped and I think hell this aint so bad a little spik-n-span will clean this right up, but just my luck I pick the ONE crack house that there isnt any. But since I am a "strong and independant woman" I tell myself think Janus think! but nope I just cant work it out. And then the horror of it all hit me! WHERE is the WHISKEY BOTTLE???. Franticly I look around and to my horror I see most of the steaming shit is not only ON the whiskey bottle but INSIDE it too. I am so ashamed of myself, waisting a perfectly good 1/2 bottle of Wilde Turkey! And thats when it hits me, I said to myself "Janus, WAKE up look at what youve done!" Maybe its time for a change...
So thats my story the good and the bad of it and thats when I decided to come or get clean for my own sanity, and I learned some very valuable lessons that day:
1.  Always make sure, double sure the alcohol will be safe
2.  Find another Crack House
3. Maybe less Vinegar next time?
4. and maybe the most important lesson of all : ALWAYS carry or find a spare cap for said alcohol.
So thats my story as painful as it was to read remember this is my life a beer in one hand and a 1/2 full bottle of whiskey with shit in it in my other hand. Some leassons are hard learned...
NOTE TO SELF: these are so not my panties..