The hidden side of me (exposing insecurities)

Hi there, you dont know me and I dont know you
What I'm about to say is uncomfortable but here goes
-Sex-
The true inner me is twisted, sad, ugly, full of truth wishing I could die
I have kids but never really enjoyed sex due to molestation and victims of lies
Its been almost 8 years and still uncomfortable when it comes to sex
Only really in the mood with degrading acts but feel as though its disrespect  
I have no idea why I am turned on by these crazy and awful things
Wanting to hurt, punish, humiliate are the softer side that thoughts bring
Loving to cuddle and laugh and share my time with someone I love
Always falls short because of demented thoughts wishing to just cuddle and hug
Its not just the sex there are deeper and darker things
-Loathing-
I look in the mirror and hate what the reflection reveals
Spitting, hitting, the dark emotions from my mind I painfully peel
Self absorbed in self hatred madness what is self-esteem
A pleasure arises from masochism self mutilation loving to hate on me
Ugly, stupid, worthless, Bruise me, bleed me, hang me to dry
I apologize for the rawness but in this writing I vowed I would not lie
-Other me-
A shell of a semi masculine bearded man
Tall, dark and maybe handsome sometimes I cannot stand
Feeling most confident in a skirt and adorable patterned tights  
Pretty lipstick, tight fitting flare jeans a bra somehow feels right
The stigma from society its wrong, I'm gay, but I'm perfectly straight
Rare times I build the courage to step outside, fearful of a deadly hate
Inside the house looking and feeling confident and pretty
Confused, is it ok? Is it bad? These are struggles within me
-Outro-
So stranger that is what lies deep and dark beneath
Quit nervous to hit submit, a little hard to breathe
Thank you kindly for reading about the inner me
I mean this with much love, respect and deepest sincerity