6: 48:  Penned In Emptiness

Excerpt 48 from Journal 6, 'Becoming My True Love'
  - From 'Journals To My True Love, Part 2'

My Love, when you dropped away, my heart dropped
  like a stone, it became petrified...
I forgot how to love, the longing was the love...
But I cannot love what no longer exists, and is
  believed in or trusted...
When I poured my heart onto paper, there was no return,
  only an echo...

My Love, you are in the emptiness which surrounds me,
  and it contains both all that we know and yet
  all we do not, it is a paradox, a dichotomy...
The knowing is the sustenance I need and you are the
  delivery system, yet to know you I must embrace the
  unknown even in its cold chill...
To be warmed, know warmth I must become frozen first
  yet survive the ordeal by sheer tenacity of faith...
This is how I come to know you, My Love, and this is
  the means by which your face appeared...
You are not a god, but I must believe you are, somehow,
  and this fanatical whimsy has sustained my desire for life...
The heart, is, in fact, an eternal flame and I know that now,
  the pervasive smell of ash is how I know you...
It is the hearts unmaking that has made us what we are.
And it is the fading of this that sparks knowledge...
I know you even as you are so unknown to me,
  and even as you fade...
And I see, envision you in the emptiness as if you were
  corporeal and sentient even if this is but a matrix
  I live within and am creating...
The learning of these truths transcends such quantum unknowns
  and becomes a purpose...
How absence of a teacher is the greatest teacher...
How faith and love and desperation projected produce
  the answers to prayers...
You are not a god, but my prayers for love are yet answered...
For God is in you where I have placed him, where he always was,
  always will be and shall remain even as my heart becomes ash...
It is by this transformation that you will become alive and I
  will become your matrix...
You will then live to know me as I have known you,
  this is the reciprocal pattern of life and we are no exception...
My desire to know you will become your desire to know me
  and you will watch me wither on in years as I did you...
You will not be spared the knowledge I have evoked
  and provoked to be revealed...
Know me now and you will at once know everything...
My True Love, for you will be and embody this gift...
Be blinded only to see again...
Be undone to be recreated...
Be broken to become reformed...
Die to be reborn...
Love me to know at last how I love you...
Walk on these coals to become strong...
Fall into the chasm to find me where I found you...
Where I was there all along...
Go to the darkest, deepest place to view me...
Rip open your scarred heart and my love will be
  the blood spilling and it will never end...
Bleed as my words are for you...
Choke on the ashes of my heart as I have choked on yours...
Become empty and I will fill you with the love that is
  a masterpiece penned in emptiness...