deepundergroundpoetry.com
lock of you
when the leaves hit my cheek
took me but moments
not to weep
into the wells
inside me
i do love you
as i see inside you
as i feel around you
as rivers can be deep
so am i
in moments , fell to sleep
in lost pathways, i seek
a lock of you , i must keep
took me but moments
not to weep
into the wells
inside me
i do love you
as i see inside you
as i feel around you
as rivers can be deep
so am i
in moments , fell to sleep
in lost pathways, i seek
a lock of you , i must keep
Published 19th Sep 2018
Author's Note
quick write today
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 445
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
19th Sep 2018 8:18pm
I really enjoyed this, Marielle! I do believe the last stanza could use a bit of rework ( as you have requested honest critique ).
as rivers can be deep
so, ( too ) am i
in moments , (fallen asleep)
(on) lost pathways, i seek
a lock of you , (to) keep
The italics are mere suggestions to eliminate repetition (in), and add to the consonance (particularly o). Also, fell to sleep was reading right for me. Seemed the tense was wrong.
as rivers can be deep
so, ( too ) am i
in moments , (fallen asleep)
(on) lost pathways, i seek
a lock of you , (to) keep
The italics are mere suggestions to eliminate repetition (in), and add to the consonance (particularly o). Also, fell to sleep was reading right for me. Seemed the tense was wrong.
14th Oct 2018 1:44am
19th Sep 2018 10:05pm
Great quick write ... beautiful flow ... short crisp lines ... my fav ... bravo my poetess ...
14th Oct 2018 1:44am
20th Sep 2018 12:07pm
I love where this write took me. The image of a woman/girl sitting at her vanity stroking the picture of her love, which sits on the inside lid of a music box. Not sure why it conjures up this but I enjoyed it.
14th Oct 2018 1:44am
