The Prediction

 
Did I ever tell you that I am a psychic
I was assessed initially as a reverse psychic
Doesn't mean I can tell you past events
I was tested with Zener cards for hours
The testers kept stopping then evaluating
Excitedly whispering to each other
Now in any Zener card testing
The law of averages applies
So if you score higher the 15%
Then you are considered potentially psychic
The test over I was lead to the library
Sat down to discuss their findings
Imagine my excitement when they told
Me I scored 86% over all nearly fainted

But:

As you know with me there is always a but
I had managed to get 86% wrong
They said it was hugely significant
But they didn't know what to do with me
so we parted company me none the wiser
Like everyone occasionally I would say
Something is gonna happen and it does
But we all get that now and then

But:

Sorry but, another But

All my kids and my ex wife were all together
Round the table talking about prediction
And other spooky stuff. I said I was psychic
We had a laugh and joke about it; then
Melisa said "ok! Give us a prediction"
Where this came from I'll never know
I told them that I would be known as
Toffeefee Man had a soft toy of that name
I told them that my wife at the time would leave me
And go live with another man, I told them they
Would blame me, hate me and never speak again
I would be a lonely sad old man, wandering the streets
With toffeefee under my arm talking to him

I said I would die alone and not be discovered for six weeks
Well technically not alone, the dog chews my legs off
And the only thing I would be remembered for
The only thing I would leave behind would be the stench
And a teddy bear collection smelling of death
And at my funeral there would be nobody there
Of course faces were serious as they promised
That they would never allow that to happen
Methinks I am more psychic than the testers thought
About 85% true now just the rest to go
Isn't life just a bowl of cherries