deepundergroundpoetry.com
Now Unknown
Speaking then, from my soul
no place would I rather be
not in future or memory
There, your hand in mine
without hesitation
belief beyond reservation
Wholeheartedly I jumped
leaving you at the wheel
trusting us and all I feel
...
Oh God, was I mistaken
so completely wrong?
Has our love burned bright and gone?
Can you offer comfort
now I am in need
or my darling, will you watch me bleed?
no place would I rather be
not in future or memory
There, your hand in mine
without hesitation
belief beyond reservation
Wholeheartedly I jumped
leaving you at the wheel
trusting us and all I feel
...
Oh God, was I mistaken
so completely wrong?
Has our love burned bright and gone?
Can you offer comfort
now I am in need
or my darling, will you watch me bleed?
Published 18th Aug 2018
| Edited 22nd Aug 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 10
reads 584
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Aug 2018 2:20am
18th Aug 2018 11:26am
Thank you lovely Brenda. I need to remind myself it is not always rainbows and butterflies.
18th Aug 2018 10:54pm
This is tough, Mel. I had to wait a few days to say anything to allow the emotion to pass. However, I know you love honest critique so wanted to honor that request.
Legend:
[ ] suggested for removal
( ) suggested for use
{ } punctuation suggestion
The following stanzas are where I suggest revisions.
Now Unknown
Speaking then, from my soul
no place would I rather be
not in [the] future or memory
. . .
There, your hand in mine
[not] a single hesitation
belief I had, without reservation
L2 -- You've used 'not' in the previous stanza. Why not ( no pun intended ) opt for an alternative such as 'without'? It would enhance the assonance of the o and ie sound, as well as the f sound.
L3 -- try replacing without with beyond to carry the consonance of b and assonance of o.
. .
O[h](!) [M]y God[;] was I mistaken?
[was I] ( so ) completely wrong{;}
[Concerned] (has) our love [has been] (come) and gone?
Listen to the assonance of the o sing throughout the stanza now!
Are you there[?]
[now] in my time of need?
[O]r will you [simply], watch me [as I] bleed?
The assonance of the e is ringing in this stanza.
Wonderfully emotive offering Mel.
Legend:
[ ] suggested for removal
( ) suggested for use
{ } punctuation suggestion
The following stanzas are where I suggest revisions.
Now Unknown
Speaking then, from my soul
no place would I rather be
not in [the] future or memory
. . .
There, your hand in mine
[not] a single hesitation
belief I had, without reservation
L2 -- You've used 'not' in the previous stanza. Why not ( no pun intended ) opt for an alternative such as 'without'? It would enhance the assonance of the o and ie sound, as well as the f sound.
L3 -- try replacing without with beyond to carry the consonance of b and assonance of o.
. .
O[h](!) [M]y God[;] was I mistaken?
[was I] ( so ) completely wrong{;}
[Concerned] (has) our love [has been] (come) and gone?
Listen to the assonance of the o sing throughout the stanza now!
Are you there[?]
[now] in my time of need?
[O]r will you [simply], watch me [as I] bleed?
The assonance of the e is ringing in this stanza.
Wonderfully emotive offering Mel.
22nd Aug 2018 11:21am
Thank you Ahavati, this was a raw write. I needed to let the emotion pass before I could edit. I honestly appreciate your suggestions and made edits as well as some of my own. Thank you again!😘
19th Aug 2018 5:34pm
Well this is a feeling/subject I can easily relate to since I’ve been there myself. Excellent n somber...
22nd Aug 2018 11:23am
12th Jun 2019 4:58pm
Love the 2nd and 4th stanzas
"There, your hand in mine
without hesitation
belief beyond reservation "
"Oh God, was I mistaken
so completely wrong?
Has our love burned bright and gone? "
excellent write for a falling star love burned out.
well penned.
"There, your hand in mine
without hesitation
belief beyond reservation "
"Oh God, was I mistaken
so completely wrong?
Has our love burned bright and gone? "
excellent write for a falling star love burned out.
well penned.
13th Jun 2019 11:46am
Dear Samael, thank you very much for your response. While a bit sad, I appreciate that you connected to it on some level😊
19th Feb 2023 3:57pm
21st Feb 2023 3:34pm
Dear Bat,
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment:) Much appreciated. Bless
Mel
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment:) Much appreciated. Bless
Mel
