Confessional: 100mg Rx

 
 
I don't know how to  
Start this  
 
Because my heads so fucking clogged up right now and it's chasing shadows  
 
I slipped up.  
I always just can't trust myself to know  
I'm un-fucking-well.  
 
      When I am well its not because of my hand
No it's a mind altering chemical.  
Medicine- chemicals.  
 
   Medicine tells a person they are sick  
No matter how you slice it  
   They aren't taking it for taste.  
-I can damn well tell you that
 
      I think I am so strong,  
So powerful  
     That I don't need the very things  
That make me feel that power.  
 
      So I slip up..every single time.  
    Because at that point  
Im the biggest and the baddest  
         In my mind  
 
Detox after detox  
      I run and run  
         Only to end up at where my line stops  
With endless sleep  
    And no drive
        And addiction  
              And wanting to end my own damn life
  Because without those pill sized chemical meth bombs  
       Thats me. Thats where I end up.  
 
It hurts.  
It feels like a prison  
     Like who I am being dragged  
     And forced back into a body I never really left
But always felt uncomfortable in.  
 
          -  my new roomate is chemicals.  
          Anti-depressants that take a whole month to level  
       Makes your skin crawl, your stomach in either knots or constant nausea  
      Headaches or hot flashes  
                A high or critical depression  
You won't even eat  
 
          A chemical persona custom fit for society
But also my safety
 
          I want to be angry, I am angry.  
                Because I got myself back here  
                Because in the end I need them
And every fucking time it hurts.  
    Detox or cold turkey, really whatever you name it  
                 Going back on it will always be hell
                  It feels like shame  
                  It feels like-
After all this I need them.  
              And surrendering my pride, my body, my mind, my blood  
To the main treatment of what kills me  
                 Will always be a kick in the mouth  
                  Because I can't do it on my own.  
      Detoxed- clean.  
       Something always goes wrong and I can't be naturaly human for more than 2 months.  
                 Heres to pride and the very modified chemicaly advanced drug in my blood stream.  
I'll take you in the morning- cheers.