swallow

would it help if I say that I'm sorry?
you know those words will sit on my tongue until they erode it away, until they rot the teeth right out of my head
but it aches my sardonic heart to know that you take time out of your day to make sure I'm okay
even while you struggled to roll out of your bed and felt so vacant like you could wither away
it pains me to know you would rather see me smile even when you felt like you'd rather decay
i want to apologize for all of those days but I've swallowed down those sentiments  
they try to claw their way back up but I let them leave my throat ragged and raw
I'm selfish even when I'm sorry, even when I want you to stay
I know I should be gentle and patient as you try to sedate the sadness  but I'm sneering and bitter
I could promise that I'd try harder to be better but I'm biting back those words and I'm choking on my cynical tongue
Every night it hurts a little more I'm breaking under the guilt
it's eating me away, gnawing at my bones  
you look at me with those broken eyes and it takes my breath away, my lungs are drowning in the words I just can't express
they scribe themselves into my rib cage
I'm proof that its hard to break old habits even for love